I wish I could say it more poetically (I say this a lot). I feel a struggle to write something more profound, more meaningful, more creative, but I feel null. I can’t make myself write something artistic about the last year, all I can say is I’m exhausted. It’s felt like a real inflection point for me, and “5 years” is a reoccurring theme. In this halfway point for the next 5 years, things which I don’t want to detail. Reflection of how I view myself and my identity, how I view others and my connections, how I view myself in the context of the wider political landscape. Things I deserve to feel guilty about, things I’ll regret for the rest of my life, things which I need to be more forgiving of myself, things I need to change. I hope I can treat the next 5 years as the change that comes after the reflection.

Of course things overlap, or things are never a perfect narrative, I’m going through changes and reflection constantly, but I can’t think of another year in the past 5, maybe except for 2020 (another inflection point), where I can name multiple, very distinct and sharp events or changes that have rocked me and my personal life. I’ve cried a lot. I’ve fucked up a lot.

I simply hope next year is better, personal lives, I can’t speak of an optimism towards the larger world. I simply hope the next year will be okay, and we can all be safe, and enjoy the time for the people we care about, or make those important connections or realizations we need to. I thank the people I am close with, you spoil me, I’m not appreciative enough, or I’m unhealthily clingy. I apologize to the people I’ve hurt and for things I can’t be forgiven for, but I endlessly love the people I’ve known and the connections I’ve made, even if I delusionally can’t believe it sometimes, or it drives me up a wall, or I’m selfishly sick of you and want you to go away, or I want to isolate from everyone and everything from the stress or shame. I care about you all.

Please stay safe and warm. It’ll be okay.