I've actually been dreading making this journal for a while now. Mostly because theres so much i wanna say but i don't want this to be a novel. But i feel like to those who might care should know why I've seemingly vanished again.

welp here goes. Well.. to start I literally don't have friends anymore Irl. Growing up I've always been a bit of an introvert. I never liked talking much but I've had a few friends here and there. i used to have a pretty healthy amount, id go over to their houses play games, chill have a good time etc. but over the years i lost them due to them moving away. fast forward to about 6 years ago i had a bout 4 left. over time one of them just sorta grew into an ass and another was more or less a compulsive liar with relationship problems who eventually moved down south. so as of this year 2018 I was down to two. Welp one of them was tricked into signing a lease in another state and had no choice but to move with his mother who clearly hated living here in this town. so that was scummy but i don't know if this was pure coincidence or what but shortly after my other best friend randomly says on facebook hes moving to the same state too. at this point in time we didn't hang out much, he had his job i have mine so we were always busy, but i wanted to see him one last time, you know as a send off at least. So we pick a day to hang out, and when that day came i got stood up. i asked him what happened and he told me he forgot or something. i figured, no big deal lets just reschedule we have a few days left. well... when the next time came... he stood me up yet again, only this time he doesn't give me a reason, he doesn't say anything at all. so... my childhood friend who i put on a high pedestal in my life didn't even think i was worth his time anymore and say good bye. still to this very day hasn't said a damn thing to me.


But the fun doesn't stop there, it continues online. So already after feeling pretty shitty about that I try and just talk to a few furs on here. Theres a few rather popular artists of whom i can't say that i used to talk to quite a bit. i used to look up to them and ask for advice on how to improve my work. well as of lately some of these people have been just blowing me off lately reading my messages and just not responding, i guess you could mark it off as them being busy but it still kind of rubbs me the wrong way. so then there would be people that i have on discord that would just act rude to me when i just say hi.
but the worst was when there was a certain user in particular that just pulled the biggest 180 in personality I've ever seen. We used to talk quite a bit before, i was offering to draw her fursona because i really digged her design and thought it was a really sexy take on a not so cute looking species of feline. we had a pretty fun time talking about the community. we had zero issues (or so i thought), i never insulted her or her friends, as far as i know i wasn't awkward either but one day i just discovered she removed me from discord. i thought maybe it was because we didn't chat very much at the time. Thought id head to her FA page and say hello, maybe see into why she deleted me, but no matter what i say i just can't get an answer outta her. its not like shes gone, she still posts art to this day so shes deliberately not talking to me for some reason. its like I don't even exist anymore. i can't remember word for word but there was something on her page saying "shes not going to be as out going anymore" or something like that. i dunno if someone else was creeping on her but it still made me feel like garbage.

oh and to top it all off, my mother hurt her back so she wasn't allowed to work for about a month, so i was worried if id even be able to afford living here, and my father had a mental breakdown and stole something from the store he worked at so he is currently in jail for 6 months.

So even thought i took a hiatus back in February i felt like i needed another one recently. I was probably in the worst funk i felt in a long while knowing that both IRL and online I'm just alone. I just didn't trust anyone anymore and needed to step away. i was super unmotivated to draw anything despite all the ideas i had. going to work felt like going to prison so i kept requesting days off hurting my financial income a little. This would go on for a while up until a friend of mine  charliemandango sat me down over discord and help put my life into perspective a little. he really snapped me out of it and I've been feel a little better ever since. right now i just wanna get back into drawing again. im already pretty behind as is. i have quite a few things down the pipeline I'm sure you will enjoy including a lovely little gif i bought from a user.