It's been years since i've posted something resembling a proper "journal" entry on this website. But lately I've been struggling with my own mind on my future decisions. This may become just another childish rant but i just feel like putting it all out.

I am not happy.
I have been since I was in high school. I had thought about..."off-ing" myself more times than i could count. I felt that i had no reason or purpose to live. There is no meaning in living. It was a depressing period of my life but i managed to get over it. I gave meaning or rather a reason for myself to keep on living. I thought that "if i wanna die, might as well die after seeing the world". After all, the world is such a big place right? It would be ashamed to die just like that.

It wasn't long after my decision to see the world that i finally was able to see the lies behind the religion that my family pushed towards me. And once I've finally truly accepted myself for being gay, my family feels...fake... I feel like coming out to them again and again but each time, it would be stopped by the fear of "what if they don't accept me and/or tries to "fix" me?". Soon the feeling of wanting to see the world evolved into "wanting to leaving this place".

Some of you (who are somehow still reading this long ass journal) might think "they are your family, they wouldn't kick you out or fix you" or some stuff like that. I would love to think that but the position i am in...its too risky. And my family haven't gave me any reason for me to believe that. Even my parents think that homosexuality is like a disease that only "god and jesus" can help cure.

I believe that the moment i tell them that i am gay, i will be roped even deeper into religion. I would lose my freedom to see the world and live as "me"

So why am i telling you this? "Its just another sappy story about a gay kid born into a religious family, its not unique and happens a lot more often than you'd think". To be honest...its cuz I thought it would stop the voices in my head from being too loud. I've been planning my own path for the last year and a half about running away from this place and i've been putting it on hold for way longer than it should, out of fear that i may fail... but i think i should start moving on.

Soon i'll be opening a bit more commissions so that i may be able to move on forward and away from here. Don't be obligated to help me out of pity, this is just me ranting out stuff cuz i don't want to bother anyone on my rants...but i guess if you're reading this, i'm bothering you with my own rants aren't i? Hehe...

For those who've spent your time reading all of this junk, thank you for listening to my childish rant. That's all...so...bye?