Oh, Star. (the character lol)

I do like the way you do dialogue in your stories!

Martin is full on facepalm. Like out of all the questions she could have started with...Why there? *Everyone in the audience cringes in unison*

I thought it was a good question. I like knowing people's past as it helps me get a better picture of the person standing before me.

Well hopefully this page can give some insight as to why it's not a good question, if at some point your trans friends want to talk about their past in that sense then they should really get to chose when that moment is really. Like Im married. I took my husbands surname, everyone uses that...Noone absouletly noone has ever asked me what my maiden name was. "Oh you're married? what was your surname before that?" Is just not a question you ever hear.

That question is not the first I considered with Star dealing with this news, but for someone who has 0 information or experience with transgenderism, or something like it , it makes sense as a reasonable question. It's helpful to know that the question is rude/harmful, but for anyone curious, a transgender person should realize, that question is going to come up. It seems like they could just say they don't wish to talk about, but how is a new person supposed to know that from the start? It's clear that the pronouns used for Kim, and the past relationship that went poorly, set her up as a female, until they explained that she's transgender. So it's not even introducing her as transgender, so even Star is led to believe one thing, until they reveal the truth. If Kim were introduced as such, it'd be a lot more rude if Star then went "Hey why are you this way?".

Comparing transitioning to a name identity, like with marriage, I don't feel is the best. Because if you are married, it's assumed that one person takes the last name. Obviously that's not always the case, since most of the time it's man and woman, when it could be man and man, woman and woman, so on and so forth. Plus people share last names as well.

But I would compare it to the first time a person had a thought or feeling that they were a certain way. In a sense that to the person, they realize who they are, and maybe they were something they changed from, but if it's a personal change that they don't really share with anyone else, and they become a new person/who they were all along, that's not going to clearly communicate to others, especially strangers who aren't intending to be harmful, but understand such a person, as to be a friend, or understand them. That would be a good way to actually have a support system. While it may still be painful to discuss, when you present something new to another, the curiosity begins to flow.

I think I see where you're coming from, but speaking as someone who is transgender, even though the norm these days is to ask that, it comes off like water torture for the person being asked. That question is just about the rudest thing to ask, next to prying into my sex life/genitalia. It tells me that you want to know the person someone else claimed I was, not who I am. That name and the person connected to it is gone. And on top of that for a lot of transgender people, they never were that person. For me personally, it was a role I played because I was told to play it. I never connected with the name I was given, it was never comfortable for me, and these days it physically hurts to hear someone use it.

Curiosity is fine, but prying into someone's private life like that is just wrong. And quite frankly, the cisgender population needs to learn this lesson. If you wouldn't yank a hijab off of someone's hair, don't ask for someone's dead name. ((And if you're okay with pulling off someone's hijab, block me, I don't want to know you.))

Also, as a side note: "transgenderism" isn't a thing. The phrase you're looking for there is "transgender people".

For some it's not about their sex life, it's their identity. And what you're saying is understandable, but a worn religious item is not a good comparison either... If someone presented themselves or was known to be transgender, then yeah don't just ask them about their transition.

I think you missed something in what I was saying. Trans people have their sex lives and genitalia questioned even more frequently than their names.

I used the hijab as an example because it's more than "a worn religious item" it an integral part of how they live their lives and who they are. Prying into what they look like without it is very similar to prying into a trans person's pre-transition life. It's private and share only with select few people, usually just a partner and close family.

Basically, the short version is: take people at their word. What they say is what you get to know. No one is obligated to be a teacher for others, and no one is entitled to information people don't want to share. No matter how curious someone is.

I find it hard to believe that outside of close friends, that trans people get that question frequently. But I don't know, I'm not in that group of people. I know some trans people that I deal with on a daily basis. I recognize that they do not look like what I consider to be an evident man, nor an evident woman, like a particular face structure, vocal pitch, etc, but I've NEVER considered asking, "Hey......why did you transition?". I just avoid assumptive pronouns, and treat them like everyone else. I also don't ask anyone who they have sex with, to any people.

You could say a hijab, or a kippah, depending on the religion, but with that example, you would see someone with a hijab or a kippah, and you can assume that they follow the beliefs/lifestyle of that religion. But do you want transgender people to walk around with symbols or signs that say they are transgender?

Also, it really depends on the person. Some people wear religious items for malicious purposes, so I couldn't assume that the item means someone follows the religion. Cosmetically they seem to.

It's like seeing someone wear a cross, or have a cross as a tattoo, but clearly by their behavior and what they say, they don't follow Jesus, Christianity, etc.

Now with that in mind, I would stay if Star is entering a relationship with Martin and Kim, that she's in very close quarters. So this normally rude question, shouldn't be as rude, compared to Star asking as a complete stranger.


Lastly, I agree, no one is owed information about another, but if you want to be accepted for who you are, telling others about yourself is a really good way to do that. If Kim and Martin really want a baby girl to look after, at some point, though I assume Star won't be replaced, Kim is going to have to be brave, or strong enough, to explain and inform. Martin accepts it and knows about transgender people, or at least Kim and her struggles, but Star doesn't. So in the equation, Martin is fine, Star is fine but wants to know more, and Kim is the one at the center of the "issue" that drove away the last baby girl they had.

Let me say it again. I am trans! I have been asked all sorts of random indecently personal questions. Including but not limited to a former "good" friend, who wanted to know if he could play with my tits before I got rid of them.

So I don't really care if you find it hard to believe. It happens. And if you STILL don't believe me, look up interviews with Laverne Cox and just TRY to tell me cisgender people would have to deal with those questions.

As for the religious thing, you're beginning to sound like a sea lion. The religion isn't the point. The person's faith isn't the point. And even though I'm pretty sure you aren't going to actually listen this time either, I'm going to say it AGAIN.

My point with the hijab is it's INCREDIBLY personal and disrespectful to pull it off of someone.

And regardless of anything else, THAT information, Kim's deadname, has NO bearing on their relationship. Other questions that pertain to how the relationship is going to move forward, can be answered. LATER.

But considering you likely aren't going to listen to this reply either, I'm done. Enjoy your life of ignorance and disrespect.

I didn’t say it doesn’t happen. I said it isn’t likely a frequent thing. And while your account is valid, it’s not statistical. I think it doesn’t happen a lot, you think it always happens.

I see you’ve gone to name calling, so that’s nice.

If you would like to elaborate while Muslim/Islam religious garments are more important than Jewish ones, I’d love to hear why. Are you saying mocking a hijab is not similar, if not identical to mocking a Kippah? I’m not sure what point you’re trying to make here. You say it’s personal as in a personal offense to the person wearing it, but when I suggested other religious items, the hijab stands out as the only thing that would be offensive to mock.

Star is a curious child to a transgender person, so it’s not that the question is necessary, but it’s what she thought of to ask.

Given the history of the last relationship, leading to this one, makes things stand out as important like Kim’s past to Star. So I couldn’t suggest that this is a routine way in discussing how someone is transgender.

I’m sorry that you feel that way. But you’re making my point. I want to learn and understand, but you’re insulting me and telling me goodbye... I have read your points and tried to reply to each section, but I’m human and perhaps misunderstood some things you tried to say, or did say.

Well here's another thread that went well.

Anyway, trans rights are human rights.

(And fur rights :3)

Dude come on try a little harder (? Is almost as if you want to insult the people in this page read experience from real trans and then read again what you just wrote is plain rude, invalidating and insensitive

It's not. I'm trying to explain this from a view without assumptions.

In short, it's a question of one's curiosity at the sake of another's comfort. It's just not something you should ask right away or really at all, especially of someone you just met. It's understandable that someone may not realize the pain it carries, but still not okay to ask.

From another persons point of view. I'd rather bring up the topic. That what if they don't know better? This is the first time I'm hearing about this and if this was brought up to be I didn't even know trans people charged their names. So while I agree if you know you should respect the person.

On the same side I also say that if someone asks if they don't know "such as star" I do not think they should be demonized and labeled as rude and enemies to the trans community.

Hate on someone who doesn't know is gonna breed hatred. So like me "who is figuring all this stuff out now". I know, will never ask. And will inform.

Oh, I don't think the person should be immediately demonized for asking such questions if it's from ignorance like Star in the comic. It's still possible to see it as rude and then explain why you don't do that like Kim is doing above. But it's good to recognize that one's curiosity isn't above other's comfort levels. Star in the comic did a really good job approaching it.

A person being unintentionally rude doesn't change the fact that they were rude. Like, it would be rude to ask a person in a wheelchair, "were you ever able to walk," unprompted. They may not know a question like that would ruffle feathers, but they're asking really personal questions. If it weren't so personal, it wouldn't be an issue. But their asking about a person's past without even thinking about whether that past is a happy one or a painful one

If you see a transgender person, you may not know that they are. For example, Kim was depicted and spoken of as a female. Up until these last couple of pages, I didn't know any different.

If you see a person in a wheel chair, with crutches, an eye patch, or missing a limb, you would easily detect that you should not address those things, because the person is likely sensitive about it.

Rude: discourteous or impolite, especially in a deliberate way (dictionary.com)

Being rude usually implies intent. Some people can be oblivious to certain behavior that is rude, or certain words that are rude, but it also revolves around something that is commonly rude. Like asking about someone's weight, or who they sleep with. How many people understand that for some, if not all, transgender people, that discussing their transition is rude?

Does it matter that they didn't know better? I'd argue it doesn't matter, that they should own up to their mistake, apologize, and move on. It's certainly not the worst thing they could have done (violence comes to mind as being much worse), but its still wrong.

I will say most trans people are understanding, they see that a mistake like this was made in ignorance as opposed to malice. It's easily forgivable, though I think it's petty if they don't at least acknowledge their mistake.

Once it is known what is right and wrong, and someone chooses wrong, then that is the bad part. Learning a question is harmful, then apologizing is the right act.

But my point is that you cannot assume people will just know someone’s life, or know what is right or wrong.

Like a really insensitive question, would be “oh you’re a transgender woman? When did you chop your d*** off?”
“Why did you change gender? That’s gross and stupid”.

Asking about someone in a way of “oh. Ok, can you tell me about it? Like what caused that? Or when did you feel that way?”. While it may be “rude/insensitive”, it’s coming from a place of compassion, at least in Star’s case.

Understandable, but I don't think this applies in the context of the comic with Star. Star was fine assuming Kim was female, as that's what she was told. But now she's told Kim is transgender, and she's obviously fine with it, but she's gonna be curious. And again, the last relationship Martin and Kim had was ruined because of this exact issue.

If Kim had said she was female, and Martin from the get go said she was transgender female, they probably could have skipped the turmoil in the current page.

Possibly, but that comes with it's own risk. Many people are very transphobic and a lot of people want to get an idea of how they will react before coming out. Plus, it wasn't Martin's place to out Kim to Star but for Kim to do so when and if she felt like it.

That is reasonable, but it's far too difficult to try and have a conversation with someone, if they're afraid they can't be honest, but if someone tries to be open and learn, is then scolded for asking a rude question. At some point, there has to be some work from both sides to better each other.

It's not Martin's place, however, Martin has done this before. As we're learning, it's a big issue and it caused the rift with the last baby they tried to 'make a family' with. So either Martin or Kim should have, in my opinion, tried to explain herself beforehand. In a situation of 'waiting for the right moment', it's only going to lead to predictable bumps.

It's sadly such a dumb thing to me, because Star is an angel. She has no malice towards Kim, and is only trying to learn. And while Kim is explaining that her former self is 'dead', she can't expect Star to know that. Martin even groans from a cringe moment, but it's only cringe to those in the transgender community. It's a rough spot that is speaking to the story, and to the reader to address an issue in the transgender community. But for a community that is gaining, at whatever speed, more acceptance as time goes on, people on the outside of the community need more help to understand. It can't be expected.

I can only imagine it was a similar thing for homosexual people, with a question like, "When did you turn gay?". But that's been utilized for the answer, "I've always been", as a proud badge to say "This is me". That's something most others can understand.

"Such a dumb thing to me"
Y'know, I'd bet money that the one who flipped out on Kim was a perfect angel too, a great baby. Up until they learned she's trans. Not saying anything immediately is a matter of figuring out the safest route. Control of the environment. Kim didn't drive them away, they drove Kim away by being bigoted.

Being trans, is never knowing if someone will be safe on hearing everything. Never knowing if they'll scream, attack, run in horror. Physical danger, is something we have to think about all the time. No matter how nice and sweet someone is, "You had to change your body? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Doing it like this, outnumbered Star, put her in an unfamiliar environment the two are in control of, and gives Kim privacy for what would be an emotional aftermath if Star weren't as cool as she is.

Keep in mind, we know Star, but all they know, is that she's cute when doing baby stuff. Bigots aren't often assholes to everyone. The last one only became awful after knowing Kim is trans, the fact that they're still worried up to the point of Star being pretty chill shows that there weren't any signs of the last attempt being a horrible person beforehand. No malice towards Kim... until learning she's an acceptable target for their bigotry.

That's why Trans people are careful. Bigots don't wear their hatred on their sleeves. We never know whose kindness is a mask they'll drop the moment they hear the right key-words. We never know who they are beneath the mask and need to always be ready for the worst, always ready to fight for our lives, literally. The world might be improving, but it's not there yet. We still face violence and while each individual's judgement of a safe and controlled environment varies, the fact is that we have more reason to be careful than you have reason to know anything right away.

We don't need to be open to those we don't yet trust, when we have the option to hide. Anybody, no matter how pretty the flower, could be hiding thorns.

We don't know anything about the previous baby except that they flipped out when finding out Kim was trans. However, this time the couple is being far more careful and upfront about it, which means the last time, they assumed it would be okay. To me, that means the baby, while possibly very bigoted, could have felt tricked and lied to. I imagine the other baby may have had their own fantasy of a daddy and mommy and was happy, until they found out their mommy wasn't a mommy in the way they wanted, and they bolted.

Martin knows Star far better than Kim does. Remember that Martin has been involved in helping Star with her military issue, and was there to watch over her at the kink meetup. Martin knows Star's biggest secret and there is trust built there. They are respecting Star though, and don't want to hurt, nor be hurt, so they brought up the fact that Kim is transgender.

Um.....I'm not sure how many bigots you've met, but a lot of them do wear it on their sleeves. And they usually act like assholes, so it's easy to see. Some are quiet bigots though, and you might see them as friendly until the topic comes up. I'm not saying the world is entirely safe for transgender people, but Martin, Kim, and Star are all in a personal and close relationship setting right now, so it's not the same as opening up to a stranger.

I don't think a person should be expected to experience personal pain for another's curiosity. Like, I like Kim's response in explaining it. But simply stating that it's rude to ask is also enough and valid. To push further is not okay. Especially when, if they don't understand still, you can easily google why it's rude. Like, I get asking initially but even being asked can bring up painful memories and it's not on the person hurting to have to just endure it. These days it's so easy to learn from those with the spoons to speak out that it's no longer valid to say everyone in that group needs to become educators even at their own expense.

I actually agree with Martin and Kim's decision on there. If it was unknown what kind of person they were coming out to, it could have been disastrous or even dangerous. Many people are violent, after all, and I've heard of people compare dating a transperson to consent violations. It's a safety issue. And, as this is the first time Star is meeting Kim, it's not like it was dragged on or anything. Before this point, it didn't really matter because it was just between Martin and Star. In the end, predictable bumps is better than unknown potential harm (like, possibly physical harm even, because people can be trash).

Even if innocently, like in Star's case, that doesn't mean it's not cringey or hurtful. So it's great to see Star immediately understand and not push it. Unfortunately, not everyone is so kind.

Homosexuality and Transgender have their own unique struggles and I'm not sure you can compare them the same way. Especially when you have homosexal transgender folks who struggle with both as well as erasure issues (oh, but physically you're a straight couple so you're not really gay is absolutely a trash opinion some have).

If you want to be open and honest with others, and accepted, then you have to take the pain and be open. If you want to just live your life, that's fine as well. Once you learn something is rude, then yeah, asking about it more is bad, leaving it alone or as the person requests is the right thing to do.

Still, a stranger to someone who is transgender might ask questions in person rather than saying, "Hang on, let me google this stuff, then we can keep talking".

Martin and Kim did bring up the topic at the right time, but I don't think there was any risk of violence. I think that's making an assumption and applying it to a situation where it wasn't a huge possibility.

Homosexuality and Transgender certainly are similar in the way they introduced to the public. Neither were accepted, and people are still fairly rude when dealing with it. I'm not saying everything is the same, but I can't think of another lifestyle that was taken like those two.

Nope. Completely not okay to say that if people want to be accepted, they should just suck it up and bare the pain because of others. That's basically what you're saying. Why should we expect a group of people who already going through stigmas and pain to have to suffer more for the comfort of others? Especially when there are options (others are willing to speak on the matter and have done so. Takes 2 seconds to google it).

As said, if asked innocently, that's one thing. Still hurts, but understandable. But good to quickly teach them that it's inappropriate and harmful to ask. It's like if you bump into someone, maybe you didn't mean harm. But you still caused it. And if that person has a bad shoulder, it could have caused a lot of pain and so it's understandable for them to not want to be absolutely polite with it.

In this case, probably no risk of violence. But in general, yeah, there is. Which is probably why Kim opened up about it. But you can't just assume that in every case when first meeting someone, which is why people often wait to disclose that kinda info. I mean, until recently, the "gay panic" defense was a real thing and only just now being fought against as the bullshit it is.

Being gay and being trans are similar, but they are also unique, which is why I pointed out that. Plus, trans-folk often face issues from others of the queer community.

No, you misunderstand what I’m saying. If as a transgender person, they want to be accepted, not in hiding, not ashamed, they have to share themselves with others. You can’t tell everyone to not ask certain questions, and assume everyone will follow suit. You can explain how some questions are off limits, or harmful, but who is the first to explain that? Who is the first to detail why it is painful? At the point where people know and understand, then less people will have to suffer that question.

Friends usually share their past, good and bad, so you know their pain, you know their hardship, and you understand them as a person. I’m not saying transgender people just have to accept hatred or abuse. But if at the same time they include curious people with actual bigots, you lose any audience that isn’t transgender.

I agree with your other points :3.

No, you can absolutely say you aren't comfortable answering that question and that others are, go hear what they have to say. It's never okay to say that someone has to open up painful wounds for the sake of others.

We get that some people are curious (thought the reasons why can vary from innocently curious to hateful people looking to attack). And that's on a case-by-case basis. But being trans doesn't mean you have to answer and explain every part of it. Especially these days when plenty of people are willing and made such answers readily available.

You can say you aren't comfortable and don't want to answer that question, but then do you live life with that struggle to be what you want? Does that person become a transgender person that no one really knows about? "Oh that's Jenny, she's transgender, but don't ask her anything about it". That doesn't seem very accepting. It is the only thing notable about them? No, but one of the most important parts of your being is off limits? That seems like a lonely way to approach it.

If you're vegan, follow a religion, if you follow a set of rules, if you're part of something, then there are questions that will be asked, that might not be the comfiest to answer.

I just figure normalizing something, is an easy way to get people not to be as concerned about it, and thus eliminate the question altogether.

I mean, that's kinda the whole point here? That so many trans-folk have to struggle to live a life authenticate to themselves. And that's all we want, is to just live. Not change the world or anything. Just be who we are. So ideally, yes. It's be great if being trans was just as mundane as one's hair color or eye color. That it's a thing you may note, but no big deal. It's can be exhausting to live life alternating between trying to justify your existence being valid and trying to educate others constantly.

To be seen as a person first and foremost and trans as background info. Otherwise, is truthfully more lonely than what you are suggesting because you aren't seen as an individual but someone's textbook or curiosity item like at a zoo.

Not all vegans follow a religion? And veganism or religion is not the same as this as those questions usually don't involve trauma. I mean, they can. When I get asked about my religious beliefs, I can get awkward and hurt because there are reasons I switched religions; both very uplifting and good and very poor.

I think there's always going to be things that pop up that aren't viewed as normal, that take time to become normal. My main issue is that information is needed for understanding, so shunning curious people trying to learn isn't helpful.

It can be a struggle, and painful, and 'rude', but until the information is common enough, I don't see a way around it. A transitionary period.

Again, I despise the use of the word "existence". Transgender people exist, but people don't agree with who they say they are. Even the most bigoted still think transgender people exist as humans.

In regard to the curiosity item/zoo, that's everyone at some point. Women, homosexuals, different races, people with lots of money, people with no money, celebrities, homeless people, and transgender people of course. In time things become part of the norm, and are no longer a "curiosity item".

No, you missed the point. If you're a vegan people ask "Why? Meat is so good. What made you become vegan? Why don't you eat this stuff?"

If you're a part of a religion people ask "Why? You seriously believe that? What made your life change to believe that?"

It's not that veganism and religion are the same, it's that they share the stigma of people asking intruding questions. Instead of someone just going "Ok they're vegan. Ok they follow that religion".

In regard to trauma......there are many examples for religious persecution that are traumatic. With Vegans, perhaps someone saw a slaughter house. While not as traumatic, that could be painful to talk about.

I think where we disagree is where that information needs to come from. You seem to be suggestion all trans need to be a source of education, I suggest that they can turn to those who are open and willing to talk about things.

And, unfortunately, incorrect. A lot of bigots /don't/ think trans people exist. They think they are just mentally ill folk, or perverted folks, or something similar.

Again, no, vegan and religion are not good metamours because those questions aren't typically loaded with unpacking trauma as a whole group (yes, some religious groups, but not all overall). And even then, it's still invasive questions at the expense of another person. Just because someone is curious doesn't mean they deserve an answer. IMO, it's kinda arrogant to think otherwise.

I would not advocate all transgender people to be brave and speak up, but if at least one can, and the information spreads, that is helpful.

Actually on that you are incorrect. As you said, “bigots think they are mentally ill or perverted folk”. So bigots still understand that transgender people exist, as mentally ill/perverted folk in this context, but they don’t recognize their identity.

I think you’re opinion on the comparative metaphors is focused only on the troubles of transgender people, and I understand, but I see them as similar issues that can carry traumatic weight.

By no means were the questions valid or polite to ask, but they were examples of things that are asked, and are invasive, annoying, and something to be dealt with.

I’m not saying the question deserves an answer, I’m saying the question is understandable in why it is asked. But if no answer is given, it’s likely to be asked again and again until people understand the why.

Wow, 18 levels deep of nested replies! I didn't even know that many were possible!

Curiosity doesn't justify asking personal questions, especially if they don't know whether the history they're asking about is a painful memory or not. Sometimes, you have to accept that curiosity doesn't have to be appropriate in all situations. It's okay to be curious, but letting that curiosity push you forward at all times is not okay.

It's not justifying it, it's reasoning it. It's very likely that anyone can ask a regular question, like, "Do you enjoy going to the beach?". And turns out, the person you asked nearly drowned and had a traumatic experience, and now that person is upset. How in the world were you supposed to know that? You apologize, and avoid bringing it up again, but no one is perfect to know everyone's life and history.

Reasoning without purpose is wasted effort my friend. I get what you're saying, but it comes off as insensitive. I unironically have to defend my right to exist from people who are, "just asking questions." While you don't have their vibe, you are kinda missing for forest for the treas here in the same way they are.

You're asking, "why did Star make this mistake," instead of, "why was this a mistake." I suspect you're answering the first question because it's more relatable to you than the second (hard to know why it's wrong unless you're trans or talk with trans folks).

That's why you're getting a little pushback in the comments. Your view isn't wrong exactly, though if you look through the comments here, you'll find some that are pretty bad.

The purpose is to connect and understand a person, and an idea that you know nothing about. Not you personally, but how is a stranger supposed to learn about something they never even thought about? So there is purpose behind the reasoning.

I do despise the widely used “we just want to exist” slogan, but that is a side note. While there are countries that do actively kill homosexual and transgender people, there are counties like the USA and UK, where there is a fight for transgender rights, but they are not being murdered as a result of legislation. Most corporations are even trying to pander to transgender to show support.

Transgender people have an issue with being identified as they wish, but I’m fairly sure they still exist. My example is the few I talk with every week, even though that doesn’t represent everyone.

I don’t think Star made any mistake. She had no idea what was ok and not ok to ask until Kim explained it.

The reason why she would ask a question like that is also not a problem. Again, if questions like hers are an issue, there has to be a teaching somewhere down the line by someone who understands it. Otherwise no one knows, and the question will be asked again.

Also, it’s not hard to understand at all. Kim had a past life that she does not acknowledge. She is Kim now. A transgender woman. So don’t ask about Kim’s past life, in regard to before she was Kim.

And I’m not trying to start any nasty comment wars, not saying I am being accused of such, but there has to be more understanding than just “eww trans” and “eww hateful bigots”.

If you can learn and understand someone, it makes living together and accepting one another so much easier.

But they do know, to a degree, in this case. Finding out that Kim is transgender, it's easy to assume that childhood wasn't easy. Especially since Kim and Martin explained they've faced issues with this before.

So it's less of just randomly asking do you enjoy going to the beach, but asking that of someone who is afraid of drowning. It may sound innocent, but if you think about it, probably not a smart question to ask because it will almost certain not be a fun conversation for the other person.

I don’t think Star, nor most, would assume to not ask that question though. My first thought when someone reveals themself as something different than what others knew, the first thought that I get, but don’t ask, is “why did you change?”. Because something or some thought finally allowed for said person to be who they were from the get go. And the answers are probably simple, that they felt brave enough to do so. But the thought when someone changes who they are leads to the question why.

Star is probably thinking, why that hair color? Why those clothes? Why the name Kim? She’s trying to learn about Kim in a friendly manner. And innocently. Nothing about Star was malicious, given how she apologizes after learning it was a painful thing to ask.

But Kim says, “it’s a dead name for a reason”. Star has no idea what that means. Yet Kim says it like it’s common knowledge.

I fully support you in this discussion, mattstig. From the looks of it a few of these people ganged up on you to try and disprove quite a few good and respectable points you made. Don't let them discourage you, friend.

I appreciate it. I'm certainly not discouraged. I would just like to see a world where people work to understand each other. It's going to be hard, but worth it in the end.

Idk, I've read most of your replies. It sounds like you're trying VERY hard to justify why you should be allowed to be rude to people. Like, people are saying "don't ask that, here's why it's uncomfortable" but you seam to be saying "it's not common knowledge that that's offensive, therefore no one should be upset hearing such a question."

I’m not trying hard at all to be offensive. If you read all my comments, I said that I talk with a few transgender people on a weekly basis. I can see that they are transgender, but we have friendly conversations all the time. We talk about work, how dumb customers are etc. but the LAST thing I do is use the wrong pronoun or ask them about their lifestyle. We’ve talked about what we drive, general living areas, but I personally do not cross that boundary line.

My argument is mainly for those who might not, or just don’t, understand what can be or is offensive to those that are transgender. The reaction to Star’s question, more from the comments than Kim, was “yeah, painful, never ask”. Yet transgender people want to not be a sore thumb, they want to be alongside everyone else. So the more people can learn about transgender people and their plight, the easier it is for others to understand.

I also stated it’s not okay, nor good to blatantly ask an offensive question, but if done so in curiosity or care from a friend, then it shouldn’t be shunned as bigoted, but explained. Kim does a good job, except for the assumption that everyone knows what a “dead name” is. And Star does the right thing in apologizing. Martin does the dumb thing by groaning and cringing, yet never took a moment to try and inform Star, even in such a short moment, what is okay and what’s not okay, so how would she have known, up until the point that Kim explained and informed it to Star.

So being hurt at the question, I understand. Being upset at the person asking the question, who doesn’t know better, I don’t understand.

Ok, that's on me, I for sure did not read through ALL of your comments, but the fair bit I did read through gave me my initial impression. You're not trying to be offensive, I concede.

As far as the next paragraph, yeah, no one really wants to be a sore thumb, that's not wrong. "Yeah, painful, never ask" is a very valid and fair reaction though. Like, no one was demonized in this scenario, just corrected. That kinda goes into your next paragraph as well, where I agree, explain>shun for sure. It IS still bigoted, ignorance is no excuse in our modern society where all information is a swipe away, but of course if it's coming from a genuine and caring place, then it's unintentional bigotry which I'd much rather deal with any day of the week. That said, I (and any other trans people) don't owe anyone free lessons on transgenderism. It's OK to not explain what a dead name is because frankly, context clues there are pretty blatant. It's not called a "first name" or a "pre name" or even a "gleefully retired name." It's a dead name. I don't want to think of my dead name. I don't want people to remind me I have a dead name.
It's also okay to cringe when an innocently bigoted question was asked. Is it the BEST thing to do, no, there are other options, however it's still okay. That's an awkward situation, and in this particular case, I didn't get the feeling that his cringe was accusatory or out of anger, more just second hand embarrassment. I could have misunderstood, but that's how I interpreted it.

When all is said and done, I now understand more what you're trying to say. I disagree that Kim or Martin did anything really wrong here, but I at least see you're not trying to justify bigotry.

Thank you for being reasonable, not that you ever weren't. I'm sorry that my comments came off as combatitive.

I still disagree with some things you mentioned though.

In the context of this comic with Star, Star has no idea. She didn't have a moment to look up transgender information when confronted with the subject. So she went straight to what she felt she was curious about. If it happens in society in general, yeah there's a lot of info available.

I disagree that it is unintentional bigotry.
Dictionary.com Bigotry - stubborn and complete intolerance of any creed, belief, or opinion that differs from one's own.

Star definitely is okay with transgender people, so in no way is her question intolerant. Stubborn I would argue is knowing the truth, and not acknowledging it, like arguing with Kim's explanation, which Star does not.

If applied to real world scenarios, if someone knows the information and asks a question like Star did, specifically to hurt someone's feelings, then yeah, that's a dick move, and that person is an ass/bigot.

My only issue with Martin and Kim is that they're trying to do better at telling Star that Kim is transgender, rather than waiting like they did with the previous baby they had. But Kim assuming that transgender terms are commonplace, and Martin cringing at a rough question, don't convey much to Star. She's just as confused until Kim explains it. But I think those reactions hit home with many transgender people, given the other comments on this page.

I've never heard the term "dead name". My first thought is that it's a name that no one uses anymore, but not specifically a name that was given, but no longer used, specifically in regard to a transgender person. I could see that apply to like a sport/ball park, since they at times are bought by companies. Like a stadium being called Wonder Stadium, then gets bought out by like Pepsi or something, then it's Pepsi stadium. Wonder Stadium could/would be a dead name no one uses anymore.

I completely understand where you're coming from and know you're not trying to be rude. I'm mtf Trans and don't mind at all on any questions anyone asks me because they want to learn more about myself and about being transgeneder. However, some people do take offense to this. (I myself don't necessarily understand why but every individual is unique and thus will respond in different ways) So for asking questions it's best to ask that specific person on what they're comfortable talking about before asking any questions. I don't see anything wrong with stars question since kim did give her permission to ask and star clearly had no experience prior to meeting Kim in the comic about being transgender. But if it were myself I'd just ask them on what they feel most comfortable talking about before hand. I'm sorry some people are taking you out of context and getting a tad rude with you but if you have anymore questions about the transgender community I'd be delighted to pm you on my experiences on my journey struggles and more :)

Thank you. And how you explained things is why, in my own life, when dealing with, addressing someone that seems to be transgender, or someone that might introduce themself as such, I will avoid being offensive, rude, and/or asking questions that might make them uncomfortable.

I'm not overly concerned about other users here, I'm sure they mean well. I just want to see a bridge between groups that hate/misunderstand each other. But if an issue comes up, I will surely source you/seek you out, for info. Like a transpedia (transgender encyclopedia)

Well said!

Well, it still is an ism. the subject. The people are transgender people.

For example, I fervently believe technology will reach a point where progress will be so fast that the concept of improvements will be a daily, if not hourly thing. that is transhumanism, doesn't make me a transhuman person.

Though I can understand how people take offense to transgender people (proper) and transgendered (improper) Because people can't be transgendered.. that implies something is done TO them as opposed to with and for. Also callous jackasses have used the "transgendered" term as a means to offend and derogate

I think that connotation may also be why people bristle at "transgenderism," because it's often used by transphobic people. "Transgenderism is corrupting our youth!" or some variation thereof is something I've seen numerous times, and it's basically the only time I see "transgenderism" used.

then everything can be offensive, and I categorically reject that.

Literally have never seen this pointed out, and damn, that's a haymaker of an explanation that I'm absolutely stealing to use repeatedly in the future.

NGL, as someone who is trans, a lot of people who find out start with that question. So, pretty accurate actually.

I can attest that. Luckily i dont personally see my past as erroneous or bad my old self was more like incomplete?

Yeah, I can agree with that

In fairness though I can see how the uninitiated would start there out of curiosity/ignorance. Personally I don't mind if people ask but I know some do. Still, I can't hold it against anyone who would ask that first seeing as it's a logical place for a mind to go when you tell them you have a different name now. I guess all I'm saying is while Star objectively should possibly have breached that later she can't be faulted for innocently asking, especially after being invited to do so.

Martin is reacting from a place of knowing a lot more than Star about these things, and while he would never make this mistake (if it even is one as it would not be with me), it is perfectly forgiveable/understandable with Star, who just learned about it five minutes ago.

Next page will be the 400! one

I recently had somebody ask me this as a transgender male and I got so uncomfortable...good writing though! I'm glad Kim was more chill than I would be ^^;

I love this comic so muuuuch omfg

Yea, Star is an amazingly talented artist and a skillful writer.

I read it thinking her dead name was “Chuckles”

Hmmm, do I see a little art style change?

Yay for nearly 400 pages on FA

Honestly though, I have the same questions, since I have not met many transgender people

Stars face in that second panel annoys me Her eyes are super super wrong and I probably should have fixed it...her whole head is wrong....I'll just draw her with a paper bag over her head... but yeah hopefully Kims answer means you wont have to make the same mistakes Star is making. It really doesnt matter what someone used to be called. if thats not what they're called now.

I Thought that panal was on perpose XD, wants to ask a question then "duuuuuuu what was your old name" with wide innocent eyes, then Martin just "grooooon" was class, i hope you diny change it las it's just so good, to me anyway xP

Thanks for the Intel star. Now I know better.

Honest to goodness, had to wonder if this was accidentally drawn a strange way or if this was, as the other commenter said, intentional to comically purvey Star's complete lack of understanding. The art style was so different I wondered if that panel had been guest-drawn or something.

Yeah I never asked for my friends deadnames, no need for them as I'll never use them anyway :p

For most not in the community, Someones past is what makes them who they are, but in the transgender community the opposite is true. Who they were doesn't matter. It's who they are and will be.

This is one of the biggest rifts in the psychology between two groups of people and many downplay it as a simple concept, but without careful understanding it regularly leads to conflicts in terms which aggravates people and closes them off.

Which is why discussions legal documents and debates are preceded by speakers explaining their terminology, and also why those unfamiliar with the practice are overwhelmed by the glossary.

Someone like me who this occurs to naturally is almost always on the outside watching as misunderstandings grind the best intentions to a nosedive.

It's a huge headache sometimes, but thankfully, most people recognize the mistake

to be fair, I think one of my friends told me her deadname, but I already forgot it, it so unimportant in my head...

Oh, Star, honey...

I know you don't mean any harm, but as someone with a few close trans* friends....


OOOOOOOOF

I know it has to happen, I know we won't ever be seen if we don't answer questions, but damn is it tiring being the trans teacher. I'm the first trans person so many people have met, and there's always question hour, and it's just so old by this point.

Yeah I think I said in the artist comment...pretty much ALL of my trans friends...I cant think of a single one....who hasn't been interrogated like this at some point or multiple points, and will probably continue to do so until theres more trans representation in mainstream media really. It was one of the reasons it was important for me to get Kims genuine responses to these questions as I certainly know other trans friends of mine would have approached this from a completely different angle and probably slightly less grace. Hopefully throwing Star under the bus a bit during this section will help maybe educate people a little.

I can totaly Sign that, Made the same experience though but, staying calm like on the page was very good.

So faved that page for good reasons!

I've had the joy of being active duty Navy while I transition. I have gotten all kinds of questions, luckily most people have been chill. I did go through the whole gender spectrum with a class of peers before I fully came out. It wasn't great.

Yay for early in the morning page !

They would be worst questions to start with, but I'm sure she did meant well.

Quick question "that was pretty intensive of me" ? I have no idea what it mean :( wasn't the word intrusive by any luck?
I knew I needed to listen in english classe...

insensitive....It means being inconsiderate of other peoples feelings

Oh, Thank-you very much, I thought it was from intense, like high energy or how rollerscoster feel XD

I have to say Kim has really grown on me as a character. She seems really understanding despite Star's faux pas, still remaining calm and open. Love it when Martin looks up as Kim chuckles. This page serves as a good education.

Oh, def, but Kim likely understands that Star is clearly accepting just unfamiliar. context changes everything another person just asking that would be pretty bad.

I can't help but wonder if that's her natural fur/hair color. *ponders* Just thinking, wouldn't surprise me to get a dye job to look more feminine. That and I like picturing anthro worlds with salons that just have a whole wading pool full of dye for full fur dying jobs. :D

As far as im aware thats Kims natural fur colour...but its not actually Martins natural fur colour so full on fur dying does occur in this world

Awesome!

I literally face palmed and said "oh no Star....no" loud enough to startle my pet. At least she didn't ask what's in Kim's pants. I've been asked both those question too many times. =P

It might be coming up though...

as a furry I almost never use anyones real name just fur names

Oh the classic question for somebody not knowing any better. Star is so innocent and it is obvious she did not mean any harm.

I love Kims reaction and even more the GROAN <3

But also then, IMHO, Star asks a beautiful question after that. A really good one <3

If Star had never met a trans before, it is not a thoughtless question. It simply is an innocent question, and I really like how well Kimberly handled it.

"Dead Name"? I'll admit, I've never heard that term before, but it does make sense.

Within the trans community it is a common term.
Many of us trans people use it to describe that the old person they were once "died" and one can start their life anew. That is why the name is dead. It is something not to talk about - and as Kim has described - it can be a big source of pain and more than that.

I never knew it went that deep. I know that coming out can be a huge stressful time, but I didn't know people go so far as to throw out names/identities to that degree. Thank you for telling me this

*Great, now I really feel like a dick after last page.*

i REALLY love how kim coming out to star and helping star learn abt being trans and how to be respectful to trans ppl is a minor plot point! its fun in furry stories where being trans is just a normal 100% accepted thing for comfort escapist reasons, but its good to have more realistic stories too ^^ in educating star, kim is helping to educate lots of readers too! so it all works out

When you meet a trans person, I know you're 100% NOT supposed to ask if they've had any kind of top or bottom surgery, but... come to think of it, if intimacy is potentially on the table at some point, what then? Is it okay to ask during, say, the "what do you like to do in bed?" conversation?

When you have been dating or about to take it to the next level then you can disclose. It is a deeply personal thing and varies from person to person.

There's actually a bit of contention regarding this point, and honestly there's a lot of nuance to it.

For one, coming out immediately isn't always a safe option for trans people. Being our authentic self is often vital for our mental health (it was literally life or death for me). However, we might live in a place that's not welcoming to queer folks. The America south is a great example. If you're gay in Los Angeles, nobody bats an eye; but the same couple holding hands in rural Missouri might end up on a missing persons report...

I tend to recommend disclosing being trans early in the relationship (assuming you're safe to do so), but sometimes life moves faster than we expect. For example, most romantic encounters start off friendly, they're a little ambiguous and maybe a little flirty. By the time either realizes it, they have feelings for eachother. If you don't know whether you're just going to be friends or something more, disclosing that you're trans is weird and needlessly painful.

I never want to give partners the wrong idea, and I do think they have the right to know if we're both interested in a sexual relationship. But I also acknowledge thst there needs to be some groundwork laid before disclosing, and that life comes in shades of gray sometimes.

I'm glad your going over these questions in the next couple pages because I feel I have the same questions as star... I wanna be respectful and courteous but my curiosity is still pretty strong...

Most of the the time I just warn people that I might flub up and say something stupid by accident and i don't mean anything ... I just try to remember that even though I don't understand, I can still be courteous and polite and honor the wishes of those around me.

That's probably what most trans people would prefer. Like, there are plenty of uncomfortable questions which would definitely earn groans, but if you're willing to back off when you learn it's a difficult subject then it's not bad.
It only takes once to learn what not to do, and so if you're open about not knowing then it's easier to be gracious.

Of course, it's almost certainly not the first time that the trans person you're interacting with has heard all the same questions. Kim actually handled this really well, plenty of people (myself included) can get snippy after being questioned so many times.

I thoroughly approve of, and enjoy this kind of conversation!
People who may not be 'In the know' so have questions those who are might KNOW are 'Triggering/not-so-PC'?! If said questions are presented via ignorance? That's how people LEARN! If you just smack them down (verbally or otherwise), all that's going to do is raise brick walls against them ever wanting to learn.
Now, if someone becomes knowledgeable and THEN choose to ask or make pointed, rude comments?
That's a whole 'nuther kind of 'Debate', and one that can easily lead to bruises, busted lips, and perhaps some lost teeth?!

On the one hand, very much agreed. But it's also important to realize that being asked painful questions repeatedly, even if innocently done, can become painful and difficult to tolerate. It's good to educate, sure, but it needs to be understood that not everyone constantly has the spoons for it.

I think the issue is that it's not just one person asking those questions. It's all the people you meet, having the same sorts of questions, where you have to be a representative for "the trans." Eventually you get tired of the constant invalidation and questioning, even when a person doesn't havead intentions. (Come to think of it, I've had plenty of people with "good" intentions ask the worst questions and pry the most, because then they double down on "but I'm just trying to understand. Now, are you just trans because it's a fetish?")

I know Martin reaction all to well my Partner / Beautiful Girl who also Trans Makayla has been ask that question by some people

OOF awwwkwaaaard ‘>.>

I feel, sorry for Kims parents, they probably raised her with love as the peron she was but now she considers that person " dead" in a sense.

Do you really. Consider, should parents worry about their childs happiness or their own pride and work?

I think people should not have to declare unashamed parts of there own past and selves " dead" in order to feel comfortable in the present.

It would be wonderful to live in a world where I could just say "this is who I am" and have everyone just accept it and move on. But we don't live in that world. And for a lot of people the parts that they declare dead cause pain and suffering to them. Myself included.

I assume you didn't mean any harm by what you said. However the more important thing to focus on here is Kim is happy and healthy and thriving with a loving, supportive partner. Anyone who doesn't support her and love her as her truest self really needs to reorient their priorities. And I'm sad to say, far too much of the time, your parents and siblings are the least supportive, refusing to adapt to who you actually are in favor of holding onto who they thought you were. Because the person Kim's parents raised was Kim, even if at one point in her life that wasn't how they addressed her. But as I said in a comment to someone else on this page, that name is attached to a projection of a person that they expected her to be. Whatever the details of that projection were, Kim is who she is, and her parents haven't lost anything. They know her better now.

Im sorry your family have trouble accepting you for who you are. Surely if anyones parents brought somone up with love and affection, declaring that time as " dead" is in the very least insensetive to them? On a wider note would it be more desirable that people tolerate and accept their own pasts rather than feel the need to avoid or " kill it" to try and deal with who they are in the present?

If your parents wanted you to be a doctor, gave you doctor-themed toys when you were a child, asked if you were taking classes in school that a doctor would take, etc. Would it be insensitive to your parents if you fell in love with music and wanted to become a music teacher? Someone else (anyone else) forcibly deciding who YOU are and who you're going to be is insensitive. A person deciding for themselves who they truly are and want to be is them being honest with themself and those around them. People change and grow over the course of their lives, and for some people that includes not agreeing with the choices our parents forcibly made for us.

I'm glad that you've been able to live exactly as your parents wanted you to, but that doesn't give you the right to invalidate other people's choices in life by calling them insensitive.

We dont know that about Kims parents though. But its fair to say associating a time or aspect that involves a parents love and affection as " dead" is not the best choice of terms either meaningfully or figuratively.

Having a deadname doesn't mean all history is dead, your memories with your parents don't change, it's entirely possible to have a dead name and still talk about pre-transition happy memories with your folks.

Why not just call it a " past" or " different" name then? It seems insensetive to refer to it as " dead". Like refering to cherished memories as " dead memories".

Can we not tell a group of people to use different terms, please? Just let us use what we use.

The name is dead, it isn't used anymore, calling it dead can be more comfortable. "I'm not x anymore, I'm doing better now"
The name is just a name, that's all, the name is separate from the memories. The name is not cherished.

Idk, I’m not trans so I wouldn’t dream of telling a trans person how I think they should live their life or what words to use to define an experience I know nothing about. 🤔

no one told anyone to do anything. I beleive every individual is entitled to an opinion regardless of their race,religion or identity.

Perhaps you'd like to enlighten us all to what your attention to it made you ask that.

From what I have gathered from your comments, it seems like you aren't listening to anyone. It is disrespectful to use a deadname. I have a dead name and I am not trans. It is better to call it a deadname because it can be a name with toxic memories.. pain.. anxiety triggers.. Things like that.

And yes.. you are trying to tell everyone how to do something.. Like calling something that they are not comfortable with. You have NO idea what a trans person goes through. None. It is not an easy decision to make the choice to work to become the person you are meant to be especially by name.

Please.. talk to trans people and trans furries.. Because they will help you understand. I am not sure if you were insulting them on purpose or not. But I am an ally and I am very protective of trans people. Please.. Just.. think before you ask a question....

How do you know im not trans?

You have not stated one thing about being trans.. In fact, it is more like you are being transphobic. It is great to have an opinion, yes.. But not to where you are constantly repeating yourself to get others to believe you. It just hurts to see that.. I hope you understand from everyone's view that is commenting on your comments.

So unless people make sweeping staements about their identity you just assume if they are trans or not? Thats nice to know.

Sweeping statements? Really? You are actually hurting some people with your statements. I stand by what I have said.

I'm not going to assume that you are trans or not, but will state that some of these opinions are transphobic, even if maybe not meant.

Its very clear you're not trans just from your opening statement on this comment section, because you would know what a dead name was and would know why its called that and generally accepted across the trans community as the name for someones past name. I wasn't sure if you were trying to have a meaningful discussion here and being willfully dismissive/ignorant of peoples very polite and calm ways of explaining why the term dead name was used, just to play devils advocate....but with THIS comment I think you've now punted yourself into baiting and trolling, and that's not acceptable. So time out.

Thanks, Star. I cannot stand people like this. I agree with you completely. I felt that they were fishing for a fight but I did what I could not to fall for the bait so to speak. I hope you are doing well.

Everyone has been very calm in explaining what it meant and those comments were ignored in order to pursue ones more open to be argued with. There was no "thanks I understand now" just more looking for people to argue with so sorry and thank you for being so patient

That's great to have an opinion, I guess, but when you're having an opinion against a group of people you don't understand, that is harmful (meant or otherwise), it's good to take a step back and reconsider it or at least stop presenting it to those people. Opinions can be problematic.

Look,your past self can be like a trauma trigger if you are transgender. It can feel like being forced back into a black tunnel of discomfort. But not because you necessarily hate your past self (some do though). It's because when you live your more authentic self, then your older, less authentic self can be like a traumatic trigger that makes you feel terrible and forces you into a box of bad feelings.
The same with a name. A "dead name" can be like a bad trigger moment and just like a trans person might not hate their past self but might sometimes feel disgusted by it so does saying "dead name" not imply you hate your parents or do not appreciate what they tried to do for you. the "dead" refers to how you personally feel about yourself, not about the people you spent time with. A little bit like saying "the name is taboo now" - and your suggestions of "different/past name" does not bring this across.

And then please remember that growing up was an extremely terrible experience for some trans people and that in such cases in can really be a matter of mental health to say "this name is dead." I understand how it can sound "drastic" but when you say it is "insensitive" to parents then you overlook that the "dead"refers to a statement of individual psychological pain that, as such, does not necessarily makes a negative statement about the past life with, e.g., parents.

Because they aren't cherished memories. A dead name refers to a time when a person was treated (and many times had to act) as someone they were simply weren't and never could be. Even if the parents meant well and tried to do well by their child, it can be a painful experience that resulted in painful memories.

It's considered a dead-name because that person, the one they were imposed to be, is dead. Or, more accurately, never really existed.

It's just a word to describe a name they no longer go by, not killing their past. It may seem a little harsh to call it a "deadname" but for many trans people, their birth name is a name associated with pain and turmoil. That's why it's so liberating to "kill" the birth name, and choose one of your own. It's like removing a big yucky tumor that everyone would point out any time they see you. It feels so good to be rid of it, to be who you really are without carrying that painful burden. At least, that's how I would explain it! I hope this helps you understand a little bit more clearly. Have an awesome day!

I would elaborate further but my friends here seem to have said everything I would say. The name I was given is dead, it's my deadname. You are free to be as uncomfortable about that as you like, but you're not me and you aren't living my life.

That's a really round about way of condemning a trans person for living their life. I normally give people the benefit of the doubt, but you're talking a little too much like a reactionary for me to not mention it.

Constantly dodging people's questions, changing the subject, asking questions like, "how do you know I'm not trans," instead of calling them out and saying you're trans. You're not actually engaging with the things they're saying, you're play a conversational cat and mouse game with someone who's not interested in playing.

Answer me this, are trans people valid? Is a trans woman a woman? Is a trans person's perspective that a name that hurts them can be exchanged for one that suits them better without being criticized for it valid? If you want to prove me wrong, answer those three questions and I'll apologize.

All i originally said was " I feel sorry for kims parents that she considers an aspect of her life that they likely gave a lot of love and affection for dead in either a figurative or more substantial way. I dont see how that follows on to asking me if i feel trans people are valid or not.

Then I'm asking you now, are trans people valid?

Is a trans woman a woman?

Is the trans person's desire to be comfortably themselves more important than the name they were given?

A trans person gives up their old name because it doesn't represent who they are. It's telling that you immediately jump to the parents grief instead of considering the transgender person's grief that led to their decision

But that puts blame on trans people for feeling the hurt they have. It's making it seem as though the person grieving and their pain is less than that of a parent who's grieving assumptions made about a person.

I can't speak for Kim or what her life was like pre-transition.

Fortunately, you've been arguing against the concept of deadnames completely, which means I can speak to my experience.

My deadname belongs to a person who is not me. A person who did whatever was necessary, sacrificing their personal identity, in order to be accepted. That person is dead. They were never really alive to begin with. If my parents would like to have a loving relationship with me then they'll have to have it with me, not the dead person.

You seem to exclusively empathize with the parents here, with no consideration for what trans people go through. I get to mourn the fact I never had a proper childhood. I missed out on many experiences that others my age got, and some of those experiences can never be replaced. I still have to fight to have my identity recognized, with people continually pushing back. But you don't seem to recognize those problems, only the difficulty cis people have with accepting a trans person.

*Audience facepalm meme here*

Ohnonono star, lots of nono questions. You dont ask about their past self unless they voluntarily share. Least Kims taking it alright.

Oh Star, you silly sausage -.(\

this is a learning experience for me to I was never taught about trans people like what you should and should not say to them that makes them uncomfortable

Your experience is really common, I've found. Most people go through life assuming people have a fundamentally similar outlook on certain things. If you're cis and never dealt with gender incongruence, it can be difficult understanding a trans person's perspective without actually talking to one.

I graduated in 2012 and since my town is a college one you would think they would keep their books up-to-date but I guess not 😓

Star's faux-pas makes her feel super real rn IMO. I think mistakes are fine providing you're willing to learn and accept the correction. I'm enjoying learning more about Kim's character!

Agreed. Kim is clearly strong. even more so to explain the situation

Star is such a baby, she just doesn't do social interactions well. I'm glad Kim is treating it like such and calmly explaining why she doesn't go by that name anymore.

Starrrrrrrrrrr. That's a time out... from abdl stuff. Go outside and be an adult for the next hour.


Kim is being very patient with our clueless kitty. Kim <3

Worst punishment ever

It is never too late to be yourself and live a more genuine life. Life is too short to live it chained down. You have to make your own decision about how to go about that, of course. (I myself am only partially out about a lot of my life because the the difficulties it would make with my family and choosing semi-peace for the time being.) But it is never too late to change how you are living and to transition if that's what you're wanting to do.

I started transition in my 30's. It's never too late to start living as yourself!

IDK any of you. None of you know me. Not trying to start an argument. Sorry if this sounds rude.

I'm just a random passer by saying thank you. I know that comment wasn't for me, but thanks anyways.

Yep insensitive but asking questions is how you learn to know better.

Im with martin on this. =x

i have 1 trans friends F/M and oh boy did i get in trouble for asking that very first question what his name was before x_x but if you are not knowing how it is or what to ask it can be hard. but it is such sensitive question for most of them and i deeply respect their choices :)

I was kind of fortunate in a way that the first trans person that I met was actually a secondary school friend who realised they were trans after finishing school. So I kinda got to piggyback on that journey a bit and learn some stuff early.

Haha oh no, Star why THAT question??? I'm with Martin on this one, that question SUCKS BUTT

I'm loving the comic, this part is really good ^^

I met someone like kim here and well she told me her old name without me asking. I never knew her as him and in my head I can't see it working. But that's me.

Yes dead names are definitely something that some people feel invalidate when asked but look at how star phrases it she wasn't trying to invalidate but yeah try to avoid words like real or really

Is Star fidgeting with her hair also a stim?

Its something she does when she's nervous or flustered, Im not sure she even realises she does it

I can relate with rubbing my thumb against my fingers. Don't really notice until into doing it either. XD

I see this as very genuine, for both Star's questions. After all if someone has never met a person like Kim, meaning their transition is absolutely flawless, then of course your mind is going to wonder about their past. But, I'm happy to hear Kim being so calm and rational about this, with a bit of playfulness.

Martin's reaction is hilarious and Star asked a much better question in that last panel. I'm glad to see a positive reaction to questions like these in your comic.

Star is going though questions that cis people tend to ask us (I'm non-binary, they/them). Paul needs to calm down, like many people Star has no bad intentions and didn't know. Especially if she hasn't met a trans person before. I'm sure Kim will help Star out quite abit on how to understand trans people <3.

And yea, being deadnamed isn't fun >_<. For me though, my name and my deadname are close to each other as I didn't mind my name but heavily preferred having a gender neutral version of it (which just chops two letters off the masculine deadname, and adds a letter to the shortened version of my deadname). But despite that, I still would much prefer my current name and it brings me dysphoria to be called my dead name and/or to be misgendered. You'd think that it being close to my deadname would make people not deadname me as much.... You'd be wrong >_<. Still get deadnamed and misgendered allot :(, even by close friends (though my best friend is catching on). Sometimes though, these things take time and people will get it right in time :3

Meant to say Martin, not Paul. Oof >_<

Thats easily done. Ive come sooo close to putting out comic pages where i call martin paul or paul martin LOL so yeah I feel your pain

That 2nd panel star face tho

Oh boy. Poor Star. I knew we were going to have some awkward questions, but what a doozy to start out with. I'll admit, that wasn't the first question I thought she was going to ask and much better than some options so I'll give her that.

Martin's reaction is great though. XD

Ahhh like a child she has soo many invasive questions. Well if Star is there little, then they need to treat her as such lol

I cant blame star for being curious, but then again sometimes things are just better left buried I the past

I stumbled across this comic two days ago and have had an absolute blast reading the whole thing. You did such a wonderful job with expressing the characters, and oh gosh poor Star at times. She's so very lucky to have such understanding and caring friends about her to help her through her own insecurities, they're such a wonderful group.

I look forward to seeing how things progress from here, overall I've felt everything from worry to fits of giggly laughter at the more comedic bits.

Sorry for all the gushing but I absolutely loved this and it tickled me pink more than much anything else I've seen recently.

Thankyooo and welcome to the chaos!

Seems a little out of character for Star to ask something like that, considering her brother is LGBTQ+. Maybe I'm projecting, but I thought she'd be more sensitive to an obvious faux pas such as that. Also seems a little out of character for Star not to have a little shudder when Kim corrects her and addresses herself as "Miss Kimberly" to her, cuz I sure did ./////.

Unfortunately the LGBTQ+ community isn't always the nicest or well informed of trans people and issues focusing on them. Same for other sub-groups of that umbrella. :C

I don't 100% get it, like what if you meet someone who had your old name? Would you be uncomfortable around them just because of their name?

Not necessarily, but when your dead name is directed at you it can be very uncomfortable.

More directed at them or talking about them, because it's a reminder of a time they couldn't be who they really are. That those times are often painful.

Oh okay that makes more sense, thanks :)

I honestly love it when people are like this. Yes Star was insensitive, but it was due to her not knowing any better and Kim understood that, and didn't get upset or offended or whatnot. I see it happen all too often that, people who don't understand something say things not realizing the problem and then get their head ripped off for it... good on Kim to be patient and understanding of Star's ignorance!

Kim has only known Star for two hours and already she's going to pour out her soul to her.

When I first spotted this comic, it seemed like it was dealing with things quite realistically, so I got intrigued and started reading. I do not remember how I got over the diapers, but somehow I ended up enjoying Star’s struggles as just a particular manifestation of what everyone deals with to some extent. It helped me understand babyfurs maybe a tiny bit more and develop some compassion that I did not have before. Also you asked a real person - that makes this comic not just enjoyable, but also helps people get along! :) That is cool!

I think a lot of what Star goes through...(ignoring the whole blackmail sidequest) is a pretty common experience.
Character has odd kink/fetish....Character struggles to reconcile with that kink/fetish whilst dealing with normal day to day life...Character finds someone or group who help to explore that kink/fetish leading to character to explore themselves.

This comic happens to be an AB/DL kink but it could easily be any other fetish or kink. I think folk have a habit of only seeing the person AS the kink/fetish but we're all just people trying to pay bills and work and eat and live whilst having this extra bit about us that we hide from most other 'non-kink' people
life is complicated and messy and theres no purely black and white scenarios, noone is a purely wholsesome character everyone has faults and flaws and do things out of character, selfish characters can do selfless things and visa versa once in a while or screw up and make mistakes and....Im just trying to create a story that sorta reflects all of that mess.

I'd like to say that it's also been a cathartic outlet and vicarious lens for an experience like this for those of us who by circumstance aren't really in a place where they could explore a kink with a community of people.

You are right, I see it the same way, and I might add it does not have to be "kink" per se, it could be really anything that separates you from what others think is acceptable. So it really has a very broad appeal. It is in a sense always the same story, but it never gets old. :)

I still struggle not to deadname either of my siblings when talking to other people about them. I think I'm getting better about the names (my sister is trickier because she's still not out to my parents) but I still keep slipping up with the pronouns. I absolutely ADORE how patient Kim is being with Star. This is lovely and wonderful.

Now wait a minute BabyStar, I thought you were trans irl

I'm sorry you thought this. I've never portrayed myself as Trans anywhere,ever, but I do seem to get...Assumed I'm trans a lot and I don't really know where that comes from. maybe someone pretending to be me somewhere else online perhaps? I dunno but you're def not the first to come to that conclusion

my apologies. also i just realized this was a shitty thing to say and may have outed you if you were indeed trans and hiding it for whatever reason so my apologies for even bringing this up

OH Star....
(though i wouldnt be surprised if Star turns out to not be cis, after getting to know that gender doesnt have to be perscriptive)

I don't know why but star is quite cute in this one with her big eyes hehe.

Oof

It's nice to see a British author actually treating trans people kindly and thoughtfully, considering the contrast to what a certain famous British author has been saying...

My background music for this, the last, and probably the next few pages

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s70OsXlDD94

Just kinda fits the mood of Star's acceptance and curiosity about Kim, but that's just me.

Ooooooo yeah... X3 I mean at least we know she's asking it out of naivite rather than malice, she just genuinely doesn't realize what she's asking. Still... oof.

Kim is an absolute sweetheart
Love the way the recent chapters have been going

Atleast Kim is patient and willing to educate little star

I love that you are using the questions we get all the damn time. It brings a degree of realism in to the mix which makes the story so good IMO

had a coworker at an old job who was transitioning, honestly if not for the voice youd never know. she chose the name Andromeda. everyone in the office except the boss had trouble with it. then the boss found out her dead name or was just lucky in the name he called her to make it easier on himself, i wont say it out of respect but it was an A name, and called her that for the rest of the time i was there. i saw the poor thing cringe every single time.

I've been on both sides of this conversation, having friends who I found out were trans and getting all awkward and asking questions to being trans and answering those questions.

Honestly, if someone asks out of genuine curiosity then I have no issue talking with them. It usually shows that they care enough to educate themselves instead of being bigoted. :)

I wonder if this subject could be breached with more thoughtful phrasing, like "who existed before you came to be?", which might theoretically give the person more room to disassociate from their dead name by thinking of it as if [DEAD NAME] was a different person entirely.

You and Kim are both absolute legends, thank you.

Stars second question would be my first, I'd really like to know what goes into finding a new name for you to use in everyday life, it's not quite the same as an online name but shares some similarities for sure.
I don't think I would ask someone about their deadname, unless I really know them and for a long time (though by then maybe they'd have already told me), but I also didn't know it could be hurtful/insulting. Though actually thinking about it for a couple minutes I can realize why.

I hate that I'm 3 days late here, and replying to old comments but eh. Guess I'll give my thoughts.
I'd imagine the process is different for everyone. Some might do it to honor friends. Some might do it because something is cute or it feels more comfortable. Some could do it because of what helped them through transitioning. It's probably different for everybody. Trying to pinpoint a general idea of what goes into a name would require something extremely broad and vague. Though, I wouldn't entirely know. Take my words with huge piles of salt.

With this amount of comments you could make a book out of it

:0 book o comments

A great way to move on AND a much better question about her name.

I'd figure the best question would be something about what the goal is of the potential relationship, like what's being looked for.

Though thanks to the internet, and furry fandom, names don't really seem that important to me either way.

No star bad i knows you a kitten but somethings you dont ask ok

I don't think I have ever gotten that question, most of them are a lot more soft/ How come, and why your current name seem the most active ones. Sometimes people never ask any, and honestly that's the best.

Careful where you step with topics like that, might accidentally set off a landmine

Kim is extremely lovely and patient <3 I hope I can be like her someday.

boy i sure do like this comic a lot, as a trans woman its great to see myself represented in this way. now to not read any of the comments ever (:

I won't lie, I cringed a little when Star asked that. But Kim is such a sweetheart and understanding that Star didn't mean anything harmful by it (just clueless!) and took that into account when answering and that's just beautiful! <3
I love that you and Kim are working together to make this so authentic and the gentle, educational approach she has with Star is just so precious! I love them all!

Believe me that when people ask me about my change . They ask a lot of things that hurt and its totally innocent of them since they have no clue what a Trans person has to go through. Most of us already have our Changed name set even before we start.. Mine was simple. Ever since I was able to hear I was called by my now Female name of Brandy... Grandma always called me that. As did my family.. So when I legally had my name changed it was a no Brainer.

Thats very cute in a sense. Star just needs some pat pat on the head. She’l get more and more accostumed with time

as a trans person (nonbinary) i really love how you're writing star. it's very relatable, bc sometimes its frustrating when ppl ask the same questions but...she rly is just trying to learn xD but the diff reactions are also valid. martin being like AGH! and kim being more understanding as she seems to be kind of a lil more patient hehe! i love their dynamics

I love that you've drawn Star more child-like in this scene, given her bigger eyes and a rounder face, playing with her braid. Very cute and adds a lot of character to her

When will the next two pages be available here? Also, is there an update schedule?

Uploads every Friday

Awesome! Thanks! I love your work!

I'm very pleased to see how well Kim handled such a question. It's good to see Kim understands why Star asked it and that she innocently meant nothing by it, just wanting to know more, and just explained why it's not an appropriate question and to move on from it, kindly.

I think these kinds of answers would truly foster a more accepting environment towards all groups of misunderstood and mistreated peoples. Angry responses to questions like this will only foster more anger. Acceptance and love cannot come from anger.

---

Now, of course, if it's being asked in a hurtful or obviously thoughtless way without such innocence, by someone who should know better overall... of course there's a different answer THERE.

True, but it is worth pointing out that online, sometimes troll groups will target an individual with a barrage of seemingly innocent-but-hurtful questions like this to intentionally upset someone, then use any angry response to go "see, they're all awful and irrational people."
Sealioning is a similar deal.

100% I've never heard the term "Sealioning". I assume it's "Sea Lion"-ing., but I have no idea what that means.

I get the point if it's a trolling attempt, but like, face to face one on one, I've had people explode at others over shit that they couldn't have possibly known, related to trans and non-trans issues alike. In general, people suck. XD

Sealioning, sea lioning, or sea-lioning. It's based of a coming with a sea lion harassing someone while pretending to be polite.
And yeah, face to face is def a different issue, and usually gets more leniency, but the reason I bring up this is because a lot of the image of trans people being volatile and ready to blow up on anyone who says the wrong thing just once comes from people witnessing this happen to people, and not knowing that the person being SL'd snapped due to being repeatedly bothered.
Although some people do have legitimately short fuses. ^^;

Dagnabbit, *based off a COMIC, not coming

Very moving page. Very educational as well. I am of a firm belief to let others decide for themselves who/what they want to be, and I am very supportive of anyone in those roles. I had no idea that it was called a 'deadname' or such, and I doubt I ever would have asked anyone so casually, but Now because of this page, I know that it is taboo. I love that Star is teaching even if she taking one for the 'Innocent but still an OOOPS team.!" so that i never have to!

Im gonna be honest, im trans myself and in some ways i can relate, but in other ways, i get confused. Maybe its cause im not in the later stages due to losing my insurance but alot of terminologies changed from when I started. Needless to say, i feel both old and isolated. u3u

I never heard of the term “dead name” till I read this page myself. If there was a website with info on this that would be helpful honestly. I mean I’d try googling it and trying to find it but I don’t want to accidentally end up on a wrong website with false info. I see a lot of people commenting they don’t want to have to explain the same thing over and over, and now I’m just wondering if someone bothers to write it all down for anyone to look at if needed.

Gender just doesn’t seem to be something documented that well from my experience. Shame too because I can’t just ask people to try to understand better. Someone should try to keep a record. Sorry if that sounds rude. I just wish when I started questioning if I was trans I could of found info easier.

Aw this is really nice, it's hard, as someone who's trans, to even take that first step and tell someone about it because I've had this happen among other questions about things like surgery, hormones and that sort of thing usually and it takes a lot of patience and understanding sometimes to just not tell the person they're being offensive and get angry about it even tho we have every right to be at least a lil angry that those are the sorts of things that most people jump to and seem to be most "curious" about instead of getting to know us as who we are now.

Kim is handling it really well and so is Star because she just said she was sorry and didn't get defensive like a lot of people do and she then asked a much better question. It's ok to be curious, every one is it's human nature but if someone lets you know that a question is inappropriate just apologize and ask for clarification if you don't understand.

I think people also need to keep in mind that not all of us are/want to be open about transness or our own transitions or sometimes it's just legit a bad time to ask certain things (I know for me if I've been misgendereda lot or have struggled with a lot of dysphoria recently I don't usually want to talk about my transness) but there are plenty of trans people who are very open about things and you can always watch youtube vids/look up forums/etc. if there's something you feel like you just really need to know about.

You and Kim are both absolute legends, thank you.

This dialog should be shown to everyone before they ever write a news article on someone who is trans, because Holy cow, they still dont get it.

So... I am not into ABDL though am about as non-judgy as they come. I was originally sent this comic by a friend whom is a Little and thought the comic was a great way of explaining the ABDL scene to an outsider, and it was! And I -kept- reading because the writing is actually fantastic. So grats on drawing in readers even outside the abdl community itself. :P Great writing and artwork.

Funnily enough though, it is -this- discussion that I absolutely love in how it was handled. I have several trans friends, and can at least say I have never made the mistake of asking her ~next~ question, but I have accidentally hit someones deadname (In my defense, I didn't know the context of the conversation I came into and used the name without having realized the context, having picked up on the name itself as they were referring to a tv character. Still, it was dumb to immediately go "Oh! your name is __?" Which also had 3 different people present for it jump down my throat @_@).

I just love how they aren't offended, they just take the question, point out why it was rude to ask by changing the context to a more "traditional" context people would be familiar with to force the mental connection between the two, and move on without attacking each other. It recognizes how transgenderism is, for many people, strange and different. They have a lot of questions they wouldn't normally ask someone, even if they don't actually have any problems with transgender people. Sometimes it just takes that moment of re-contextualizing the question for them to realize just how rude and inappropriate that question actually is. These pages are my favorite in the comic.

It's always really cool when people who aren't I to this stuff read my comic I appreciate you being open minded enough to give it a shot and I'm sure your friend appreciates it too.
I was very lucky to be able to work alongside Kim in the writing of these pages as I wanted to give her authentic responses and reactions to what star was saying, so I certainly can't take full credit for this specific scene

I figure if it's not hurting anyone then there's nothing wrong with it! That goes for pretty much anything too. If everyone is involved consenting and happy, it is no one else's business. Period. I was originally sent it because said little was a pet of mine, and while I do daddy/little stuff I didn't go into abdl range, so they were talking about it with me as something they wanted to explore. I write it for them from time to time and do my best for them even if it's not my personal kink. My closest friend  sarsis (no idea if that works in comments) would say "try everything twice. The second time, just in case the first time was just a bad experience".

Tell Kim your readers (or at least one of them!) think she could practically write a guide on how to handle those awkward inappropriate questions!~ and don't worry, star explaining things to her roommate was also great, and I have enjoyed all the different perspectives talking about what it means for them or the reasons that they do it. You're a fantastic writer, even if my favorite discussion so far was also Kim. :P

unfortunate massive L for star on this page

Yeah she's doing it so others can learn what not to do, so I do really cringe with these pages but it's just a far too common line of questioning that I wanted to highlight

No for sure, as a trans woman, this kind of learning by characters is good to see. It honestly made me realize that Star really was sheltered from anything queer or nonconforming UNTIL she entered abdl. A repressed ageplayer in the army probably doesn't have any trans friends.

I'm not sure how far you've read but she is generally accepting of difference, but yeah just not much in the way of contact with it.