also, I'm terrible with words.

I have no idea how to properly/accurately/adequately describe what I feel, how things are, why they are this way.
So fuck it. I'll just ramble.

Consider this a vent/personal life update or whatever.

I feel like I'm falling apart. Barely holding together as-is, and unravel a bit more as each new unpleasant development happens.
This summer has been awful.
I had my old vehicle begin to die on me a few months back. In response I had to end up buying a new vehicle just to make sure I had good reliable transportation.
An unfortunate "need" here in the US.

Yes, I did have an "emergency fund" saved away, and I am thankful to the small handful of friends who gifted me funds to help with that expense.
Even with that, my nice comfy savings account cushion was mostly gone. That sense of "Oh, it's ok. If I have a bad month or two I'll be ok.", poof.
My hope was I'd be able to sell my old vehicle, and then work really hard on comms for a while to build it back up. Maybe sell some other random things here and there... make up the diff.

The issue is... problems always always always happen in.... many.

- My business has tanked. Like it fucking knew I was struggling, suddenly I have found it nearly impossible to even break even these past few months, let alone trying to recover any of my lost savings from the car purchase.
- My old vehicle is a curse. Not only did it do nothing but cause me grief (repair costs, stress, etc), but now I can't even get it sold (or possibly donated). Despite being a Honda, and very likely fixable repairable (a bit costly, but doable), nobody is interested. Even tried donating it, and then being told they were having trouble "finding a buyer that would benefit the charity" for the damn thing.
So I guess fuck me for hoping I could get even a fraction of that cost back.
- SO MANY other expenses have fallen on this same period of time. The 'new' vehicle needed a timing belt. Quarterly taxes. Suit rental for a wedding. Basic food, medicine, and medical expenses for my dog. It just never stops.

For the briefest moment, I thought things were looking up. I had just gotten into an apartment after years and years of sleeping in any corner someone would offer me. I finally had a "job" that seemed to both pay the bills and I actually enjoyed.
I could work from home, which is important cuz I have a dog that regularly suffers for seizures (not to mention the social anxiety that makes most regular work absolute hell).

But go figure, one domino falls and shit implodes. Not completely broke yet, but it's not a long road at the current rate.

All that said, my mental state was never GREAT to begin with.
Times like these absolutely cause an even worse downward spiral.
Like say with my art and my business.
I ask myself,
"Why is hardly anybody interested?"
"What did I do wrong this time?"
Some people get burnout from too much work... my motivation falls apart when it feels like nobody cares. Nobody wants my art. Maybe it's not good enough. Maybe I'm just not worth it.
How long to I keep trying? When do I admit this is yet another failure and give up?
MAYBE it's just the Summer slow period. MAYBE IT ISN'T.
The two sure feel the same.

No energy. No inspiration. No aspiration. No support.
I've been trying to keep moving forward alone for almost 35 years now.
Where am I even trying to go? Why am I trying so hard?
Why is it so hard to just LIVE?
Or maybe I'm just really bad at it.

I don't have answers right now.

I just have a dog. My job is to make sure she's ok. I'll deal with that for now.
Maybe this all will pass. Maybe not.

Nothing more I can do about it. I'm already doing everything I can.
Either things happen or they don't.
Trying to tell my brain to wait and see.

But it just keeps screaming.
I hate being alone with my own thoughts.