you cannot tell me that harry potter was not the Pettiest™ he once threw a potter stinks badge at ron’s head and then said the lines “maybe if you’re lucky it will leave a scar, that’s what you want isn’t it?” like u fucking Savage

Harry: GINNY!!

Ginny: What?

Harry: Where’s the Sword of Gryffindor?

Ginny: What?!

Harry: Where. Is. The. Sword. Of. Gryffindor??

Ginny: I, uh, put it away.

Harry: Where?

Ginny: WHY do you need to know??

Harry: I need it!

Ginny: Uh-uh! Don’t you think about running off doing no daring-do! We’ve been planning this dinner for two months!

Harry: The Wizarding World is in danger!

Ginny: My evening is in danger!

Harry: You tell me where my sword is, Ginny! We are talking about the greater good!

Ginny: “Greater good?” I am your wife! I am the greatest good you are ever gonna get!

I don’t wanna name an actual author so let’s just make one up; let’s call her ‘JK Rowling.’ So I’ll fall in love with this author’s work and I’ll ask her, ‘Can we have some happiness?’ And she’ll go, ‘No. They all end up straight or dead.’ And I go, ‘Okaaay!’ And then I go to the bathroom. Then I come out of the bathroom and I go, ‘How about a sequel?’ and she goes ‘Ha, you get one (1) weird play. Now take this shitty play that paints everyone you loved as super out of character and leaves you feeling queerbaited, go fetch!’ And I go ‘Okaaay!’ and I go over to Pottermore and go, ‘Can I have anything please?’ and they go ‘NO!’ And I go ‘Okaaay!’ And they go, ‘Everything JKR does is good because she considers herself a feminist!’ And I go ‘Nooo,’ and they go ‘SAY IT!’ and I go ‘Everything JKR does is good because she considers herself a feminist.’ And then I go over to look at the diversity and representation in Harry Potter, which is an oxymoron, and I go, ‘Can we please have an openly gay character?’ and they go ‘No! In fact, we’re not even going to mention the sexuality of the one (1) gay character we revealed to be gay post canon despite his central roll in the new movie series that we’re pushing at you! And we’re going to support a man who beat his wife instead of listening to the scores of fans who feel hurt and alienated by our decisions!’ And I go ‘Why are you doing this?!’ And they go, ‘Because we’re JK Rowling and Warner Bros, and life is a fucking nightmare!’

Harry: [holding up a picture of Ginny] Have you seen my wife?

Kingsley: Not since yesterday. Is she missing?

Harry: Oh no she’s fine. She’s training right now but I just want people to look at her. Isn’t she perfect?

actual College Student peter parker:

- Peter: i’m gonna die

  Tony: bad guys?

   Peter: finals

- peter being That Person in the group accommodation that the rest of the hall genuinely doesn’t believe exists. like that room at the end of the hall no one ever seems to enter or exit?? peter’s. he comes in through the window. the rest of the hall are sure they met him once at orientation but they haven’t seen him since

-  but sometimes they hear weird bumps in the night and muffled cursing and the resident stoner swears he saw tony stark go in there but nobody believes him

- *peter gets in from patrol at 4am* *see’s planner* “ah shit I have a lecture at 8″

- peter lying in bed as his alarm goes off the next morning: is it worth it. is it. do i even really need a degree? i could be a stripper. I have an okay body. strippers don’t have to get up for 8am lectures. is it r e a l l y worth it  - 

- peter at a morning lecture, with three coffees and a pack of redbull and one pen missing a lid “this is fine”

- “did that dude just down a pack of redbull like he’s doing shots” “same”

- u know that really annoying person who misses like 80% of the lectures but still somehow manages to get the highest mark on the exam? peter is That Asshole

- *peter showing up 10 mins late, bags the size of texas under his eyes, wearing pajama bottoms and a t shirt advertising iced tea, shaking from a lack of sleep/caffeine binge* “is this advanced chemistry?” “ancient history” “close enough” *collapses onto nearest desk*

- peter going around the freshers fair and grabbing every free thing in sight: pens, tote bags, notebooks, t shirts advertising shitty energy drinks, shoving everything edible in his mouth bc he’s a poor kid and he  knows You Don’t Turn Down Free Food

- “Karen, how long can I survive on pot noddles and discount pizza before I die?”

FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO 

THEM

Slytherin: better than you? Probably

Ravenclaw: smarter than you? Indeed

Hufflepuff: kinder than you? Without a doubt

Gryffindor: hotel? Trivago

“Snape Snape Severus Snape DUMBLEDORE Potter, you were named after the catchiest puppet song I ever heard.”