I regret to inform you

You have to call the school and tell them I’ve got polio

CALLOUT POST ON TWITTER

CAT ARE ABUSERS

my cat gettin ready to beat me to a pulp

Me as Joe dkhskhsjs

A Two-Year-Old’s Solution to the Trolley Problem

[x]

Philosophy: Solved

I’ve never laughed so hard 

cishet white guys will make fun of you for liking ke$ha then turn around and play the beatles

jim lemon wishes he had the range to sing praying

Making conversation can be tougher than it seems

This one time at work, I was training someone and the system froze so I decided to have some small talk and I asked her if she had any kids or anything (she was older) and she started crying. She asked me if it was cool if she went to take a walk to get some air and I told her okay because I mean what was I supposed to say? Anyways, she came back clearly still upset and told me that her husband left her for one of her daughters.

After that, I kept all my conversations strictly work related.

Bitch whet

I once had a customer ask for a drink and asked me to add extra vodka because she had a bad day. I had the bartender do it for free (because my brother was bartending) and I brought it back and asked her what was her bad day (because usually it’s like work sucked, just a long day, or they work at the hospital nearby) and her sister shook her head at me and the customer goes “our dad died today” and I just went “oh my god do you want some soup” because I’m an idiot

So my nana died and to cheer my mum up, my brother bought 2 bottles of wine, 2 cartons of juice, and a packet of party poppers because my nana would’ve found that funny. He got the the till and the guy behind him in the queue said “I’d love to go to the party you’re heading to!” And my brother said “You really don’t. It’s a wake.” The guy liked like he wanted to due there and then

Those facial expressions are spot on

This is genuinely 100% what white girls in middle school act like

Being late for the meeting and not having the agenda is the bisexual agenda.

my humble opinion is that men that dont do any housework should die

you just killed my brothers

you’re welcome :)

Self burn, those are rare.

Wait you forgot the original (my fave)

Imagine being this awful in bed you actually think that women who enjoy sex have no credibility.

Wow Scott… I don’t know if I’ve seen something quite this embarrassing in a while.

There’s self burns, and then there’s. Just. Thorough, systematic, and utterly determined self immolation.

My condolences to any woman who has slept with Scott

Only a matter of time before this is printed on a shirt