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@andiv3r-archived

andi/andiver/andy, it/xe (plus he/she if we're friends), aro intersex trans boygirl, focused on my ocs but i may post gravity falls too https://andiver.straw.page/

Deleting tumblr for an unknown amount of time. Maybe but hopefully not forever. I had decided this a while back but didn't want to make anything "official" in case I changed my mind, but. Yeah. There's not really anything else that could happen at this point. Either I get my shit together and come back, or this blog stays as an archive of everything I've created up until now. Either way, I appreciate everyone on here who's been so kind since I joined. It's been fun. See ya around.

also my old pinned since i'm pinning this

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vent post warning.

#i love.all my friends so much. i love everyone . ilove you guys.#dumb post to ramble on but it needs to be said i'm sorry.if uou're a friend i haven't talked to much or at all lately. i'm Really Sorry.#i'm scared and i don't really know what to do and i've been spending all of my time. bouncing between talking to like maybe five people#total#not counting servers#and i Want to start reaching out to people again but it doesn't feel.possible right now#it doesn't feel like i'd be doing any good#i kind of feel like. it'd be a lot better if i just cut contact with Everyone#ive already stopped leaving my house so it's not even that big of a step. what if i just disappeared. yknow#but i won't because that would scare.the people who care about me.#because i have those.somehow. even though i don't deserve people who care about me i Have Them. so i can't disappear#i hope everyone leaves and finds better friends someday. on one hand i know this is the disorders talking because i wouldn't think#that someone who was in my exact scenario but just Wasn't Me didn't deserve friends. but i think that of myself.#but on the other hand i really just want to lean into it and just let them talk#but i dunno. here i am doing the exact thing i'm so paranoid about. talking about Scary Bad Things in a place where people can see and i ca#be a bad influence and cause harm because if i don't isolate myself from everyone i'll wind up hurting them. because that's what i do.#i can't do anything right. i can't even be angry about anything because then i just feel Guilty#what am i even mad about. can i even remember? do i even remember?#i don't have a right to be angry. no one did anything wrong. why can't i move on. why can't i move on.#i love everyone.but i wish so badly that no one loved me so that i didn't have to hold on#i'm tired of being scared all the time. of being convinced that one wrong move#one accident.#will hurt someone in ways i didn't anticipate and make me irredeemable in the eyes of everyone who ever saw the good in me#i'm so sick of waiting for it to happen. i don't want to wait. i don't want to keep meeting new people and loving them and knowing#that one day i'll fuck it up#i'll do something and make them hate me and i'll lose them and it'll happen over and over and over and over again#i always do#half the time i don't even know what i've done but that doesn't make it any less obvious when the messages start slowing down#and then stopping#i don't know. maybe i'm just broken. i'm going to bed

Plurality is some fucking bullshit because what do you mean I can have a person who was an important part of my life for a long time and one day my brain decides to zap a fuckin shadow realm version of that person up in there so that they can tell me I'm bad at cooking.

I’m sorry it’s been so long since I’ve talked to you <3 happy birthday my friend, I hope you have/had a wonderful day

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Aruee i didnt get to this until now. But it's completely fine, i. Also haven't talked to. A Lot Of People in a while. :,] i hope we Can actually talk again soon fhjhn

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