Archaeoloony

Student: What's this?

Me: it's a rock, well done.

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me: you are all my children now..

Student: even Malcolm, he's sixty?

Me: did i stutter? i love my wrinkly bald son.

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Volunteer: What's this?

Me: it's a rock, sandstone probably

Volunteer: is it important?

Me: no it's a rock

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Me: Do not fall down the well.

Me: if you do fall down the well, don't die.

Me: if you die, i'll kill ya. i do not like extra paperwork.

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Student: how do you cope with on site stress?

Me: alcohol, nicotine and arboreal violence..

Student: wht?

Me: i beat up trees.

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Me: why is there a rock in your finds tray?

Volunteer: it's a pretty rock

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Me: *while plotting with my boss* MUMMY AND DADDY ARE TALKING!

Me: this is why we can't have nice things people!

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Me: If you need me I'll be hiding..

Student: where?

Me: that's the whole point.

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Me: bear in mind if you die on site your corpse will be stuffed and mounted on the spoil heap as a warning to others.

Students: *look at the spoil heap*

Me: don't worry nobody has died..yet.

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Student: i'm sorry, i can no longer work with *insert name here*

Me: did you shag?

student: how the fuck did you know..?

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Volunteer: what are you hoping to find?

Me: my will to live.

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Student: what's this

Me: its bone *licks bone* see if it sticks to your tongue its bone.

Student: ..

Me: oh yeah don't do that.

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*after a very long open day*

Tourist: so who lived here?

Me: dead people.

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*after another long open day at a different site*

Tourist: so how does geophysics work

Me: magic

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tourist: so what do you teach the students?

Me: excavation techniques..and the importance of cynicism and beer in archaeological contexts.

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*too a particularly horny and yet weirdly romantically successful male student*

Me: you shag anyone else, i'm going to have you neutered.

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newbie digger: whats this?

Me: the solid mineral material forming part of the surface of the earth and other similar planets, exposed on the surface or underlying the soil.

Me: its a rock, another one, well done.

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Student: what was that noise!?

Me: don't worry it's just the finds officer, it helps to think of him as five gibbons in a simon suit.

Student: ..wht/..

Me: hush that's the noise he makes when someone has stolen all the sharpies. if we stand very still he may pass us by...he can smell fear you know

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student: have you dug up many skeletons?

Me: yes loads

Student: i don't think i could do that.

Me: *stares at roman cemetery around us* were you at the site briefing..

Student: yeah they said inhumations..it's burials i can't deal with..

Me: ...ok...and you have graduated from university right?

Student: yes i got a first.

Me: ...

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Volunteer: i found this weird thing, it's probably another rock

Me: oh that is a lovely bit of mid 20th century..Asbestos sheeting

Volunteer: what does that mean?

Me: we run away..quite quickly..while trying not to breath

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Volunteer: I've watched every episode of time team..i know what i am doing

Me: that's a rock, these are in fact all rocks.