“i feel like i have no purpose” You are not a fixed entity. You do not have one grand, singular, constant purpose. As long as you have genuine intent behind your actions, everything you do serves a purpose. As long as you are truly present, you notice that everything contributes to a greater whole. You do not need to dedicate yourself endlessly to one practice to achieve a purpose; allow yourself to oscillate freely between them all. Experiment. You are not one dimensional: treat yourself as such.
online communities are so strange because people slip away so easily. you can be on here for years, folding people you’ve never met into the fabric of your daily life, and then they disappear, leaving only ghost posts scattered across tumblr behind. or their blog stays dormant, for weeks, months, years, until you’re only still following them because you remember that they love sunflowers or they were kind to you when they didn’t have to be or the last thing they posted was sad and raw and you still worry about them sometimes.
and sometimes they come back when you least expect it, years later, even, and there’s this sudden rush of relief like there you are, there you are, even though you barely knew each other.
there’s a strange kind of love to it. i don’t know you and i want to hold your hand across miles and time zones and oceans. i can still see the imprint of you in this community you left. you don’t think anyone will notice or care when you’re gone, but we notice and we care and we wish you well.
i hope you’re all okay out there. i hope the sun is shining on your face and you are breathing deeply. i miss you.
Jun 06
We’re moving out of state, so my boss wanted to arrange something for our team to get together before then. Most of us haven’t met in person yet.
He booked a fucking improv class for us.
*first anxiety attack in like a year enters right on cue*
Okay but legit, if you’re not in a Buy Nothing group, seek out your closest one. We literally got a free washer and dryer once. We’ve gotten groceries, craft supplies, pet supplies, clothes, and all sorts of shit. It’s awesome.
On top of that, Instead of donating our old unwanted stuff to places like Goodwill, which wildly mistreat their workers, Buy Nothing lets me donate things directly to my community, without the risk that the sorters at the thrift shop will just throw things in the trash. I’ve passed along open things of hair care products that I didn’t wind up liking but that had nothing wrong with them. I’ve passed along snacks we didn’t like, pet food we didn’t wind up using, and all sorts of perishables that would have otherwise gone right in the garbage.
My local group even has regular meetups where people bring all their stuff at once, and it’s like a giant garage sale where everything is free.
tried n true advice for skin pickers (and if this helps with other bfrbs then fuck yeah)
use dim lighting, especially in rooms where you know youre more prone to picking. for me, that mainly means showering at night with candles like the fancy little vampire i deserve to be, because i know that the bathroom is my #1 picking area on account of the nudity. i also keep my room lit at night with a relatively dim lamp, one of those little sunset lamps you can get for cheap at five below. im less prone to picking in my bedroom during the day for some reason but if that is a time and place you tend to pick, utilize those fuckin blinds babyyyy! or get some opaque curtains! by using dim lighting, its much harder to visually examine your skin, which means youre less likely to start obsessing over “flaws”.
make it more complicated to access your phone flashlight. i used to frequently turn on my flashlight to examine my skin, until i realized i could go into the settings and turn off the flashlight function. its still there if i do need to use it, but now instead of being able to instantly access it, i have to go into my settings app, search for the flashlight settings, and turn it back on. in those instances, i make sure to turn it back off as soon as im done using it, so that the process needs to be repeated next time i need the flashlight. simply adding a few extra steps is enough for my brain to decide its not worth the trouble. i do still sometimes turn my phone brightness up to examine my skin in dark rooms, but its still not as bright as a flashlight and for some reason i find it easier to stop after a little bit.
please just use lotion. i know. i know. “but the lotion will clog my pores and then ill have more bumps to pick at-” i know. in my experience, with the right lotion that isnt as much of an issue as your brain might tell you it is. the main lotion i use is up&up brand 2-in-1 hand sanitizer lotion, its cheap and for me at least it doesnt actually seem to cause any extra bumps. a little goes a long way with it too, a little bit (like the size of your average blueberry or maybe a large craisin) is enough for me to spread on both hands and both forearms. the lotion makes it physically harder to pick, and moisturizing is good for you!! ive also tried cerave SA lotion for rough and bumpy skin, and honestly i havent used it much because i always forget i have it (harder to carry around than the hand sanitizer lotion) but the few times i did use it it seemed to maybe help my keratosis pilaris? i did notice a few more bumps from it getting in my pores though, so id recommend trying it yourself to weigh the pros and cons, it is a bit pricey though at least for a broke mf like me. basically, try to find a lotion that works well for your skin, and get in the habit of using it.
romanticize using bandaids and antiseptics. if you pick at your skin, you have open wounds. in my case, i grew up not ever really treating them, which led to more infections than i needed to experience. especially if your skin picking is severe and leads to deep injuries, infections can be fucking dangerous. ive read about people needing to be hospitalized for infections resulting from skin picking. minimize that risk! you deserve not to have a bunch of infected open sores! they fucking hurt and are only going to make it more tempting to pick at those areas! as a teenager my mother (who also picked) told me she didnt want to buy me cute bandaids because she thought it would make me pick more frequently. as an adult i can tell you that that reasoning is fucking bullshit. if youre gonna be picking anyway, fun bandages very well might help you remember to cover up the wounds, which will help keep them sterile. but honestly even just keeping stocked on normal ass bandaids is important. things like neosporin and antiseptic spray (NOT HYDROGEN PEROXIDE) are also extremely helpful for healing up injuries. additionally, if bandaid adhesive irritates your skin or if you need to cover up a large area, gauze with medical tape is a fantastic alternative, although it can be a bit pricier as gauze typically isnt meant to be used frequently.
i know a lot of this advice involves spending money, but please try to remember that taking care of your health is important and worth budgeting for whenever possible. you deserve to be healthy. skin picking fucking sucks balls but there are ways to manage it to minimize the damage you do to your body and you dont need the most expensive high end shit to do it, you just need things that get the job done. i love you. take care of yourself.
Jan 04
It’s official official today. I have celiac disease.
Here’s my journey to diagnosis in a nut shell. It started off slow and just cascaded starting this past summer:
Moved to a new state ~4.5 years ago and instantly got a weird rash (which has only gotten increasingly miserable). Assumed a local allergy.
Didn’t test positive for any local allergens and none of the 4 doctors I saw recognized DH. In particular, the dermatologist literally left me in a puddle of tears. He was so rude about my dermatillomania.
About a year ago, I stumbled upon Dermatitis Herpetiformis (DH) on Google and got suspicious.
Ignorantly decided to go GF to test my theory (don’t, for the love of God, do this before you get tested). 80-90% of the rash cleared in about 6-8 months.
While waiting for a new doctor’s appointment over the summer, I got like 12+ cavities filled and discovered an enamel pit on one of my front teeth. (I’ve never had a cavity before and I’m 28.)
General annual blood work shows deficiency in vitamin D + elevated ALT and AST liver enzyme levels.
Finally got an appointment with a new dermatologist, who agreed it was probably DH. First biopsy was inconclusive.
Started my 6 week gluten challenge and obtained a ton of fun new symptoms, like severe head ache, stomach ache, bloating, gas. Plus my DH surged again, with a vengence. Absolutely **fucking miserable** time.
Celiac blood panel shows ttg IgA and Deamidated Gliadin IgA both >250 u/ml (normal range is 0-3 u/ml).
Two new skin biopsies come back positive/consistent with DH.
Additional blood work shows iron deficiency.
DEXA bone density scan (still don’t have those results).
Gastroenterologist said my endoscopy results showed extreme damage to the small intestine. Villi are basically completely flat.
So here I am. Systematically going through my kitchen to get rid of gluten-y things. I’m so excited to have an answer and to FINALLY feel better over the next few years!! 🎉
ALT
ALT
ALT
ALT