As a queer person who has had this kind of conversation with my straight mother, I’m obsessed with Ilya’s reaction to Yuna saying he and Shane staying in the closet and keeping their relationship a secret for the rest of their careers is sad. That feeling when someone’s catching up to your lived experience over the last decade.
ok i’m rewatching e5 and it’s really getting to me how painful shane’s closet is. like he has to be closeted i understand the logistics and his position. i get it. but he uses it against himself all the time. it’s so painful for him. having sex with women is humiliating & difficult but he thinks it’s necessary. keeping distance between himself and his loved ones is isolating but he thinks it’s necessary. having his emotional and sexual needs only barely satisfied for ten whole years is agony but he thinks it’s necessary. everything he does is calculated, everything he does is a fight to not be Too Obvious. being closeted is hard enough, but shane is torturing himself inside his. he punishes himself for being gay all the time. it’s almost like self harm. maybe if he’s a little harder on himself, maybe if he pushes until it hurts, maybe if he tries and tries and tries and just never accepts failure and just works really hard on it then it’ll be fine. he takes that approach to hockey and it works. maybe if it hurts for long enough, badly enough, then he will become a better man by enduring it. maybe it has to hurt for there to be a positive result. maybe the punishment is necessary. and the only person who can punish shane for this is shane himself. so he does. but every time he goes back to ilya it’s a failure, every time he can’t get hard with a woman it’s a failure, every time he thinks about maybe letting himself be what he knows he is it’s a failure. do you ever want to just cry
shane hollander understanders summit meeting in the tags:
i’m literally always saying perfectionism as self-harm#i can’t make more posts about the show’s choice to show shane having sex with my rose when it happens offscreen in the book#but suffice to say i am still thinking about it - @thepoisonroom
do you ever think about shane hollander and want to throw up from how bad hes hurting#“maybe it has to hurt for there to be a positive result” ouch#also very hockey of him#he was born to be and a bit shaped into the perfect canadian golden boy hockey player and i mean that in the most pitying way possible#my sweet sweet boy#one must imagine sisyphus happy#one must imagine shane hollander having a moment of quiet in his brain outside of sex - @creamsiclemelt
There’s Scott-closeted & then there’s Shane-closeted#There’s I’m not wrong but the sport I’ve dedicated my life to won’t accept me & there’s my sport is 100% correct & why don’t I fit - @ohmystarsoverhead
shane hollander shame thesis colloquium you better be ready
“My mother didn’t suck. She was great…I don’t want you to think she was weak. She wasn’t. She was so funny and beautiful. She was so sad and my dad was so hard on her.” - Ilya Rozanov, Heated Rivalry 01.06 “The Cottage” (insp)
listen I understand why anyone writing a bodyguard au for hollanov defaults to ilya being the body guard and shane being the superstar. but I just think we’re collectively sleeping on the appeal of playboy celeb ilya rozanov getting scuffed like a kitten by his deadpan, no nonsense security detail, shane hollander
