I love asking friends, without context, "what are you really into this week?" I'll go first. this week I'm really into mouthwash and sudoku. Last week I was into peaches.

we used to be a society on here!! reblog, don't like! I want to hear what you're into!!! I'm literally looking into the nyt game Pips!!!

compiling my favourite responses

#voiceacting

may have found the funniest possible thing ever in this essay on medieval sex laws im reading hold on

From Law, Sex, and Christian Society in Medieval Europe by James A. Brundage

This is how tiktok users decide if you deserve to die or not

Wait wait wait

You weren't allowed to be naked???

every time I always want to write a program to do the flowchart for you (if you don't know, a lot of early programming is taught as flowcharts (or at least used to be), so there's a natural flowchart->computer program connection already in my mind)

like it could ask you the yes/no questions, then you enter the date and it calculates if it's one of these dates when it's sin. and it'd be a fun research thing, you know? to go look up what exactly the rules are around those dates. it could be like an apple II program, since it's very simple.

plus you could hook it in with the penances for those sins! so it can also be used for reference. if you accidentally fucked your wife on a feast day, how bad as sin is that? do you gotta only eat bread and water for three years, stay off the ale for 6, and leave the country?¹ or do you just gotta stay on bread & water for a 100 days²?

but then sometimes you gotta realize that you're seriously considering writing BASIC software for Early Middle Ages catholic priests? based on a type of document that went out of favor IN THE TWELFTH CENTURY AD?

yeah I am. I just really like programming and religious miscellanea. this is awesome.

1. Penitential of Finnian (pdf link), what you gotta do if you kill your friend not out of hatred but because the devil made you do it.
2. Penitential of Cummean (link), what you gotta do if you puked somewhere and a dog ate it. Some other fun bits of Cummean:
   If a cleric fathers a child, they should do one year bread and water. Unless the child is a boy, then it's 7 years, get out the country, and no fucking! CHASTITY FOR SEVEN YEARS, CHURCHMAN!
   Speaking of clerics and not fucking: if a cleric "makes love to a woman [..] in his mind", that's 7 days penance on the bread and water. But if the reason it was only in your mind was because you asked her, and she said no? FORTY DAYS PENANCE, LOSER!

wait. if I'm reading Cummean right, you get less penance for masturbating with a friend than on your own. if "boys of twenty years" masturbate together, it's 20/40 days penance. but if a man masturbates alone, it's 100 days. Huh. I wouldn't guess that hanging out together was the way to make your masturbation less sinful.

Those are first offenses, of course. there's like, a scale you go up if you repeat it.

Also, everyone's favorite "used to be huge, now fallen out of the zeitgeist" type of sex makes an appearance: Intercrural sex! (aka thighjobs). Here called "femoral masturbation", a wild term I've not seen before today.

They're mentioned so they can be not as bad as sodomy. a thighjob with your bro is 100 days, then a year each time you do it again.

While sodomy starts at a year, goes up to two, then three, and then "if it becomes a habit" (and sodomy so easily can become a habit), seven years! and "a method of penance shall be added according to the judgment of this priest". Zero idea what that'd be.

they have a rule about what punishment there should be for if someone gives someone else a liquor "in which a mouse or a weasel is found dead". which seems a very specific situation to write down the rules for, but I don't know what it was like in 7th century Ireland. maybe this was a serious problem.

I think you have to do a penance if you have (either a sex dream or a nocturnal emission, I'm not 100% sure), but only if it's "willingly". I'm not really sure what they mean by that but it's another wild idea.

(the penance is singing, obviously)

(well, singing AND bread and water, but BREAD AND WATER! is the standard penance around here)

I was looking at Paenitentiale Umbrense in Latin and tossed it into google translate and got this:

"Likewise, he who commits this manly crime shall repent for four years"

I DON'T THINK ARCHBISHOP THEODORE OF CANTERBURY CIRCA 700 AD CALLED SODOMY A "MANLY CRIME", GOOGLE TRANSLATE!

ALT

I scrolled past "in femoribus" too fast and thought it said "in femboys". Gonna start telling people that's what femoribus means in latin; femboy. yeah, if you fucked a femboy in 7th century ireland, the penance was a year of bread and water.

BTW I just LOVE how they said "in femoribus". This is a translation from 1938! They're too shy to explain what "in femoribus" means, because that was a thing back in british/US academia in the day: you didn't translate anything relating to homosexuality, so that only Educated Men could read about it. We can't have just anyone knowing about thighjobs, you see.

"Of a wife who is a harlot, thus the same man explained"

I chimed in with a "Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?"

ALT

first millenium germany had some wild problems

I made the program:

ALT

I tried to confirm some translation and the Vatican has some original manuscripts but they're a little hard to read

ALT

the other version is in Beneventan script? I very can't read that.

"He who is guilty of sodomy in its various forms shall do penance for four, three, or two years according to the nature of the offense."

they wouldn't translate the "three types of sodomy", but I can!

respectively they are:

1. Anal (four years)
2. Thighjob (three years)
3. Handjob/Masturbation (two years)

BTW bestiality ("He who sins with a dog or with an animal") is two years.

So apparently dogfucking is worse than a handjob but better than a thighjob or anal.

(this is from The Synod of the Grove of Victory. Cummean says oral is 4 years, so the same as anal)

BTW I'm not randomly being up bestiality for homophobic reasons, that's literally the verse above Sodomy. The verse above that is momfucking (three years AND you gotta go on a perpetual pilgrimage)

for reference, if a married man sees a naked woman, it's five days penance. unless he's in a bath with his wife and other women, and they all see each other, it's three days.

if an unmarried man sees a naked woman, it's only two days.

if an unmarried

man sees a naked woman,

it’s only two days.

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

I am in awe just imagining the number of takes this required

I am in awe just

imagining the number

of takes this required

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

I want one of those scenes in a dude bro film where “tomboy” chick has to wear a dress to go undercover or whatever, but instead of the guys drooling as she walks down the stairs, they’re like “k. U need to stop. Go put the cargo pants back on. You look super uncomfortable and awkward in that. Brutus, you go be the fake prostitute.”

I’m just imagining this super ripped guy called Brutus being like ‘YESSS!!! I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE THE FAKE PROSTITUTE!! Now is my time to shine!!’

so I got inspired… and had to make a comic….

*wipes away a single tear* Yes.

Miss Congeniality, but with The Rock instead of Sandra Bullock

He looks so ready. XD

“My time has come.”

Plot twist she’s his bodyguard

I specifically went back through my reblogs to find these

My dashboard has been blessed by this post again

ok!

yeah okay ill reblog that

I will never not reblog Brutus my beloved

Brutus

A series of events:

1. I put in an Annual Leave request form almost 3 weeks ago and my boss has not approved it yet

2. I went into my office today and replaced every single writing utensil with crayons in preparation for April Fools Day on Monday

3. Whilst searching for pens to remove, I found my unsigned Annual Leave form in my boss’s drawer

4. I placed my unsigned Annual Leave form in a photo frame and put it on his desk

5. The frame I used was from a photo of his kids that I deemed less important than my Leave form

6. My boss sometimes goes into the office on Saturdays to work

7.

World Heritage Post

reblog if ur mom is smart and beautiful

This is one of my favorite sites on here because everyone who reblogged it truly believes it because their moms won’t actually see it