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something good needs to happen

i wish a merry christmas to everyone but the nurse that put the final nail on my grandma’s coffin

She loved being a grandma

my friend’s mom just went to that same hospital with numbness in her arm. they found a blood clot and were like “this is URGENT you need an emergency transfer to a specialist IMMEDIATELY. just fill out this paperwork first”

she gets to the other hospital after six hours of paperwork, they put her under, couldn’t stop the bleeding during surgery, and she never woke up.

i’m sure the six hours delay for a time-critical medical emergency had absolutely nothing to do with it idk

they misgendered my grandma in her obituary even after death she can’t catch a break man

my mom just told me about the last real conversation she had with grandma

it was the one day mom worked a half-day, thinking grandma was finally getting better. she came in later than usual, so grandma ate breakfast alone that morning.

when my mom got there, grandma was sitting up in bed looking out the window and said it was a beautiful day out. then she said “i think i’m getting alzheimer’s, do you think so?”

my mom said no, you’re just sick. asked if she wanted to nap. grandma said yes, so my mom lowered the hospital bed back for her, helped her get comfortable, and sat in the room for hours while she slept.

and now I can’t stop thinking about it. she was alone, lucid enough to perceive the horrifying disconnect between her mind and her body. aware that her mental state was deteriorating, reaching out for reassurance. one last attempt to understand what was happening to her.

and how my mom must feel now, like she closed the door on their final coherent conversation without even knowing it was their last. she was just trying to make her comfortable. we thought she was getting better.

i hope grandma found some peace in my mom’s answer, that it was enough to quiet the fear.

my grandma’s elementary school work 💔

whenever they’d ask my grandma who the president was to test her memory or whatever she’d give them a dirty look that told us she remembered

I lied that wasn’t my last post because I’m still losing it over the fact that this place has 4/5 stars and won’t even let me post my glowing 5-star review because it’s too long (lmao) so here’s another rant about another particular instance that still boils my blood

i mentioned the lung biopsy before but didn’t fully explain the absolute clusterfuck that led up to it. for DAYS we got conflicting information about whether it’d be a bronchoscopy or a needle biopsy. even ON THE DAY it was scheduled, we still had no clue. our faith in their competence was already so completely destroyed at this point that multiple family members literally came to say goodbye because we were pretty sure they’d manage to kill her during the procedure.

so as I posted about before they had told my delirious grandmother that she’d be sedated. then they proceed without any anesthesia whatsoever and go for a needle biopsy (I wouldn’t doubt it was a last-second decision tbh). when she’s obviously PISSED and in pain afterward, the attending doctor dismisses it by saying “biopsies aren’t painful, it’s just a needle”. even the nurse was side-eyeing that statement, thank god, and gave grandma the morphine she was begging for after this “painless” procedure.

and then some lady walks in like five minutes later and asks if she’s ready for her biopsy.

bro if we weren’t there to be like “uhh you guys literally just did that,” i’m 100% convinced they would have taken her in for another round.

my mom would call grandma every night about nothing important, about her day, about whatever. she was the one who showed up that day because grandma wasn’t answering texts, worried she was mad at her, only to find her in bed convulsing with shivers. didn’t even recognize her own daughter while she was forcing a handful of pills down her throat for the fever. she collapsed in the bathroom and fought against going to the hospital, but finally gave in to mom’s begging.

mom practically lived there after that. she worked maybe one half-day since the 22nd and spent every single moment at that hospital. she was feeding her, advocating for her, trying to navigate who to trust, sitting with her through the night when she could.

she tried to make it when they called to say it was about to happen, but arrived only minutes after grandma had already passed. came home, went to bed. all night she had nightmares, the only parts she can remember is her wandering those hospital halls.

probably my last post about this. i’m just broken for her. all she did was everything right and it still wasn’t enough.

she’s gone

my review of hospital was too long to post lmao

When they called to ask if I wanted to be there before the pain medication and hospice transfer. it sent me spiraling.

because there was STILL something we hadn’t tried.

because I couldn’t stop them from just giving up.

because we NEVER went back to the antibiotics that worked before the day I FUCKING suggested it.

I didn’t go. The thought of walking into that room knowing this would be the first time I’d entered without any hope of her getting better was too much. I’d been in denial of this even being a possibility this whole time, and I’m still catching myself with compulsions to check her patient portal for any improvement, any sign of recovery even though there won’t be.

apparently she was lucid enough then. talking to my parents about who gets what. making her peace.

and I still couldn’t come. couldn’t trust myself not to lash out at her for gambling on this hospital’s incompetence to send her home immediately and it being the very thing that ensured she’d never go home again. I knew I’d be in that room trying to emotionally blackmail my family and her POA into TRYING again and struggling with how cruel that would be after everything we’ve all been through. but a part of me kept screaming that it’s her LIFE on the line and I’m not doing everything I can because I want to spare their fucking feelings??? IM FAILING HER

I finally got a hold of myself and came today.

she’s unresponsive. the hospice nurse said that once they’re like this, they’re not aware of your presence.

thanks for telling me bro

grandma’s in hospice now, and my mom said she was having a good moment, relatively lucid and talking for a bit. so i told my mom to tell her that whenever i think about or see a kingfisher, i’ll always think of her because EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I’d bring up kingfishers, without fail, grandma would say “I drew one of those in school.” It happened so consistently I could literally predict it as soon as kingfishers were brought up. I was never wrong. so my brain has like formed a neural pathway specifically connecting my grandma and kingfishers.

but my mom recounted it all wrong and said “she says she’ll think of you when she thinks of kingfishers because you always would tell her you saw one at school.”

grandma corrected her. “no, I drew one.”

that memory is so hardwired into her brain nothing will take it from her LMAO

captainfrenzyfries:

For days, I have been begging grandma’s POA to ask the doctors to switch back immediately to the regimen PROVEN to work for her specific case that lead to immediate functional improvement and a drop in her infection markers. she was alert, conversational, eating, WALKING before it was prematurely stopped. She refused because “what if she is resistant to them now since they stopped them prematurely?” I couldn’t convince her administering a proven effective treatment when the current one isn’t lowering her infection markers by day 2 outweighs the theoretical risk. I also asked her to request a PICC line to ensure she actually gets the medication without constant, painful IV failures and missed doses (due to incompetence). I kept asking. And asking. And asking.

Several days went by of her getting worse on labs and in function, and broken promises—"I will ask tomorrow,“ "I will ask tomorrow”. It took her WBC getting HIGHER than when she was actively DYING from septic shock, PTC numbers (the number the doctor said is more important than WBC so PLEASE STOP TELLING US ABOUT HER WBC) climbing, and them finally having to slap a fucking BiPAP on her face before the POA finally asked about switching antibiotics. The doctor said he was “afraid” to take her off the current broad-spectrum antibiotic (Meropenem) because it covered more potential bugs—choosing to ignore the ACTIVE DISASTER happening RIGHT NOW in favor of mitigating some hypothetical risk. She didn’t challenge him—why would she, when he reassured her that her stats “plateauing” and the drug just needing the full 72 hours to work.

First, it had BEEN over 72 hours. Second, her WBC count was at CRITICAL levels that morning. If he was basing that on some test we didn’t see since the portal update from THAT MORNING, then she’d still be plateauing at a CRITICAL LEVEL. WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO REASSURE US??? I told POA this, but the doctor was gone now so oh well we’ll wait til to tomorrow and if she’s not better I’ll ask again. He’s nice so POA trusts him.

Until she saw that in his own signed notes—added later to the portal—explicitly contradicted everything he told her. Her infection markers (WBC and PCT) were indeed WORSENING. I’m like, we now have WRITTEN PROOF that this doctor LIED to you. You can call the charge nurse or the hospitalist on call RIGHT NOW and use this note to push for immediate action.

“We have issues with the Hospitalist”

Okay, CHARGE NURSE then??

“Charge nurse is mad that she won’t eat”

SO I GAVE HER THE NUMBER FOR HOSPITAL ADMINISTRATION/HOUSE SUPERVISOR ON-CALL. Like, here’s your actual solution to bypass all these incompetent people.

“I’ll ask tomorrow” — WHY NOT TONIGHT??

“Cuz the doctor isn’t in tonight” — BRO. I JUST GAVE YOU… you know what. whatever. yeah let’s just circle back to doctor for his next installment of gaslighting. Same doctor that claimed the other day she “didn’t miss an antibiotic dose” after her blown IVs were left in all night. This makes no sense. The Meropenem is dosed every 8 hours (ACCORDING TO INFORMATION IN HER PORTAL). If she went from 8pm to 9am with two blown IVs, she absolutely missed a dose. Maybe I’m wrong tho I’m not a fucking doctor.

All I know is she had a fever for the first time in weeks by that morning, and her infection markers shot up. Either the doctor is concealing the fact that the missed doses sent her into this downward spiral, OR someone needs to explain why a new fever in a hospitalized patient who is on one of the highest-risk antibiotics for causing C. difficile infection paired with symptoms of severe diarrhea/stomach pain were not enough to prompt them to run a C. diff toxin test. Yeah, we had to flag it ourselves. Again. I don’t even know how many times we’ve had to point out obvious, critical issues in her care that any competent medical professional should have caught. I lost track. Still haven’t gotten results so who knows if they bothered after we asked. Their “broad-spectrum” approach not only is and has been FAILING, but causing severe stomach pain (potentially C. diff) for NO benefit.

But it’s too late. My grandma, said she doesn’t want to fight anymore.

POA rejected my final plea to request antibiotics that actually WORKED for just 24-48 hours before calling hospice. She wants to respect Grandma’s decision. I told her the charts mention encephalopathy, so it’s not her decision. A 24-hour trial of THE WORKING REGIMEN via a PICC line (which she STILL hasn’t asked about, even though her arms are swollen from the constant IV torture) might clear the infection enough to restore her mental and physical comfort/lucidity so she can make a TRULY informed decision about ending her life FROM A PLACE OF COMFORT, NOT PAIN AND DELIRIUM.

POA said no. Simple as that.

I have poured hours into reviewing and documenting objective data from her charts, lab results, and physician notes and i’ve been completely shut down at every turn. Fights over.

we had to stop them like 5 times from sending her home during all this btw