*test driving a car with the salesperson in the car with me* hey do you mind if i test the sound system with my music?

yeah sure go ahead

*connect my mp3 player*

*song starts and the vocals are clearly my voice*

i love crashing my car, crashing the car i'm driving is my favourite, the only thing i love more than crashing cars is crashing cars with other people in the car with me

i know most leftists agree that everybody should have a right to food, water, shelter, and healthcare but i think a vitally important fifth pillar is privacy. people should not be compelled to be tracked, monitored, or to share personal space with others to access their other essential rights

"If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear" is and always has been fascist rhetoric everyone.

To paraphrase the late, great Sir Terry Pratchett... the innocent have a great deal to fear. Mostly from the kind of people who use the phrase "the innocent have nothing to fear".

david hollander is the true winner of the idgaf war. he doesn’t know what youtube is. he doesn’t care about shane’s sponsorships. he understands why shane doesn’t wanna go to wimbledon and is just happy to go with his wife. he sees his son making out with his supposed arch enemy and turns 180 degrees, gets in his car, and doesn’t tell a soul. he pulls out the vodka when his newly out gay son is having a freak out at the dinner table. if shane had even 1% of his idgaf powers he would be unstoppable. unfortunately that boy inherited his mom’s gaf-ability, which is constantly set to 150%.

You make soup in a big bowl. You serve it in a smaller bowl. And then you convey it, using a spoon, to your mouth. But what is the spoon? Simply a smaller bowl still

sorry for [remembering a tumblr post about expressing gratitude instead of apologising to make the interaction more positive for the other person] i mean thank you for having a boyfriend who was so easy to run over withmy car and reverse over three times maybe four

ok this is insanely cool

someone just literally interrupted me mid conversation to tell me “what wonderful big dark eyes i’ve got” and on the one hand extremely flattering that she couldn’t even wait until the end of my sentence to comment on this, on the other hand did she have to say it like im the big bad wolf

This man's an expert

PEER REVIEWED, THIS IS THE BEST POSSIBLE ADDITION

my corner store guy is a 50 year old man who's my best friend in the world and recently he was like "you're too pretty to be single I have some nephews you should meet. very handsome!" and I was like "a niece might be more up my alley" and he just got more excited and said "ah even better! I was overselling my nephews but my nieces are very beautiful"

OP the tags!!

mastering ancient breathing techniques in the mountains of china to control my heart rate finely enough to jam out a sick tune on the hospital’s heart monitor

I love getting older. I’m hotter, more confident, more intelligent. Ageism is a dirty trap. Don’t get caught in it.

Get rotated. Loser.

come back my scarab

please come back my scarab

i,m so fuckign sorryy my scarab

sorry im not giving into the cutting out sweet treats propaganda. life is hard enough

So wait are livestock guardian dogs to their flocks like… Clark Kent among the residents of Smallville? He’s been here since he was a baby, we all know him, and he’s… generally one-of-us shaped, uh, approximately. And then when something goes wrong he suddenly leaps into action and does some terrifying impossible shit none of us could do. And then comes back home and settles in like nothing happened and he’s one of us again.

Hmm.

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

Actual answer: the sheep know the dogs are not sheep, and they also know the dog is protecting them and take their cues from the dog about whether they need to run for the barn or can just ignore anything scary that approaches.

However, a friend once had an extremely premature orphan lamb born in December who had to live in the house for a couple of months with leg braces and all that, who due to spending her lambhood with dogs instead of sheep came out of the whole experience convinced she was a livestock guardian dog! She would patrol the perimeter of the fields every evening with the actual dog, stand watch in the barn door at night like the dog, and was more than willing to throw down if she saw something scary coming towards the flock the way the guard dog did. Tragically orphaned lamb did a convincing job at being a guard dog without actually having any of the biological advantages a dog has over a sheep.

Which I suppose made her Sheep Batman.