It's our first day home. The rooms feel big while the silence feels deafening. We're planning on going back to work on Monday and I don't know how to follow in the footsteps of who I used to be. Even though I would firmly say I hated that man I hate this version even worse. We clean up the books and the plush that prepared for your arrival and instead fill the space with literature on grief and loss which still does nothing to quiet the echoes of where your footsteps should have been. People give their condolences and remind us one day we will be parents but when was that title ripped from me just because you're not in my arms. I miss you, I miss the version of me that was expecting you. I miss the man called Dad.

10 minutes left of our angel babies birthday. To celebrate we got her a brownie icecream cake from dairy Queen. Made a build a bear with birthday attire to match, watched the movie soul and ended the night with some tarot reading and journaling. Everything seems so hallow and so sad. I want to do these things with my girl earthside. But we can't.

For the first time though she had someone to play with on her birthday. Her brother. And that brings the slightest sliver of comfort to two heartbroken parents.

Happy Third Birthday Baby. Daddy loves you so much 💜

I am super scared to post this and hope people understand where I'm coming from. My wife (27F - she was carrying) and I (27 FtM) lost our little one at 8 weeks 6 days and today she had her D&C. I told my wife any decision around her medical care are hers to make and I support any decision she chooses. However in private I was scared that she opted for for the medical intervention A. Because no surgery is guaranteed and bad things can happen. B. This is her second D&C and her first one resulted in 2 infections and the need for a hysteroscopy. My poor girl was in so much pain and I was shaking thinking I may have to watch her suffer all over again for our dream. And from a panicked Google search I learned that D&C's can effect fertility in the future (I learned that I was hoping in private that she would opt to try naturally. I know alot of this is ignorance about the miscarriage process more about that later.)

I posted my thoughts on this in a miscarriage group and granted it was not worded well at all cause our timeline got moved up and the fear was suffocating me while I was prioritizing making sure my wife was okay. And boy did I get shit on. Told I'm a horrible partner, a woman told me she's angry my wife has to go through this with a man like me, how dare I prioritize a future pregnancy over my wife's comfort. And to say I'm shocked over this reception and beyond hurt is an understatement.

It's a weird middle ground I find myself stuck in. Losing our little boy I too grieve emotionally and mentally. My wife deals with all that and then the physical elements on top of it. I couldn't begin to imagine her pain. Now that she's out of surgery she's related the pain to the 3rd day of a really bad period and how uncomfortable it is to pass clots. Which as a trans man I do understand.

I learned something through this process. Resources and supports seems to be reserved for the mother's (rightfully so but I wish there were more resources for dads and us as a couple) men are not welcome in miscarriage support groups and there is no grace or kindness for poorly worded posts or comments while navigating the grief around loosing your child and watching the woman or person carrying your child hurt in unimaginable ways. And I'm angry at the education system. Schools should teach us about these things. I was fear mongered into not being a teen parent and the danger of STD's but I never learned about how trying for a baby can be so hard and you won't always get to hold that child at the end.

That comment "I'm so mad your wife has to deal with you and this." Is just another scar I'm going to have to bear while navigating this grief. We tell men it's so amazing when a man can cry and feel his emotions but then when he does he's chastised and made to feel like he's the enemy. I'm so hurt and feel like I have to suffer in silence through this now.

More importantly, she's out of surgery and she's okay. We've sat together and cried together while she's bled and now we're sitting watching Disney movies. The one saving grace in this healing process is I still have her and she's okay. She out of surgery and healing. I'm so proud of her she's the strongest woman I know. She even wanted to go out for pizza right after and we were able to laugh and make jokes just like the woman I fell in love with. If anything I find myself falling more in love with her and that's incredibly healing.