I realized I internalize a lot of my emotions.

My friend and I watched Captain Marvel, and when it ended, she asked me, “I love it! What did you think!?” 

I just said, “It was good.” But inside, I was screaming excitedly and being a nerd, dissecting and analyzing everything that I just saw.

But then, my mind wandered off into other things. For some context, my friends are planning on going to get KBBQ next week, but I had already scheduled myself to work on the day they’re going. I’m not going to let my absence get in the way of their cravings and fun, but I just started thinking about how I feel that we’re not close or I feel like I’m just not as close to them as they are to each other.

I texted them and said, “I’m working that night, but it’s fine; I’ll just FOMO.” There was no response to it.

Is it me? 

Is it because I keep myself from being emotionally vulnerable that it keeps me from truly connecting with others? 

Am I being honest with myself?

I’m terrible at investing time and energy and feelings into my friends. Sometimes, I think it’s because I don’t feel worthy of theirs.