extremely funny to me that Kermit the Frog is the only main overlap character between Sesame Street and The Muppets. imagine your day job is hanging out in a community of lovely people that genuinely just want to help kids learn and care about everyone so so much and then your night job is the reason that you have to stay up to date on your rabies AND tetanus vaccine

at noon the giant you're hanging out with is Big Bird! a wonderful fellow who likes reading stories and singing and telling fun facts! at midnight there's a giant named Sweetums who makes you feel like you're being hunted for sport

Ernie, trying to maybe come out to Kermit: well you know Kermit, me and Bert-

Bert: Bert and I

Ernie: Bert and I, we've been best friends forever, but we're also something else too!

Kermit, who every goddamn night has to tell Beaker and Bunsen to keep it professional, deal with Statler and Waldorf's bullshit, AND update his organizational chart on Dr. Teeth and the Electric Polycule: that's really great to hear fellas, happy for you two! :)

horse with a dvd player on its back 2006-03-21

wild

sorry I have some kind of brain disease

I suspect this was meant as a visual pun because this server is rated for 733 watts, almost exactly one metric horsepower

what if we kissed 🫣. and we were both lemons 🍋😳

So recently I discovered that there is a historical recreation group that runs a local park. That park is a old abandoned quarry that a local man bought and then started rebuilding historic buildings in. Like, an old doctor's office. An old farmhouse. A period blacksmith's shop. That sort of thing. He did this for 50 years, puttering around on the property happily and indulging his special interest in re creating period accurate nails and horseshoes. We stan a local flourishing autistic king.

ANYWAY. He donated it to the local city when he died and now a local historical reenactment society runs it. IDK why I didn't know about this because I got married there. The only recent revelation is that the reenactment society will accept, say, any local madwoman who messages them out of the blue going 'hey u need someone who can spin on a period wheel?'

Long story short, yes. The previous lady who could hand spin was 87 and died recently. Peacefully, of being 87, and they've been going mad trying to find someone else who knows how the fuck to refurbish and work a spinning wheel. I'm eyeballing Frigga rn hardcore for that 'hey I should google that place' thought.

HOWEVER. I encountered a reality check.

Namely, Liz, the lady who runs the group, texted me 'omg do you know how to work a loom?'

Me, who has been marinating in a bubble of fiber artists online for years; I mean not like super well? I've dabbled but I've not attempted anything more adventurous than a regular plain weave, fair warning.

Liz; what's a plain weave

Me; .....

Me; Okay so like what kind of loom is it.

Liz; it's a big one (sends a picture of an antique floor loom)

Me; oh shit six pedals, nice, well, the heddles look in good shape so...

Liz; what's a heddle

Me;

Me; Yes I can clean it, set it up properly, and warp it. What do you want to weave.

Liz, after sending about 48 delighted emojis; rag rugs to sell in the gift shop omg omg thank you so much it's so complicated looking all of us have been afraid to touch it

Me; this is that xckd relative familiarity comic isn't it

So you know how every once in a while someone gets a bunch of notes for pointing out that it's theoretically possible for a trans masc to get two penises, one from phalloplasty and one from metoidioplasty?

So I had a consult with Dr. Rajveer Purovit at Mount Sinai in NYC, and while I am not remotely trying to get that, it just happened to come up in conversation that yes, he does in fact have patients who have done exactly that. His preferred way of doing things is to do metoidioplasty first, then construct a phallus from abdominal tissue and place it on the groin above the meta phallus, and then have a third stage of surgery where they are combined and urethral lengthening happens. And the PA was just straight up like "yeah, some people do just stop after phase 2 because they like having the appearance and visual of the larger phallo phallus, but the higher sexual stimulation and better ability to pee with the meta phallus."

So. Yeah it turns out. That is not just a tumblr hypothetical. There are trans people walking around right now in the real world with two penises, and this is a normal surgical outcome from a surgeon who is renowned enough to have his own Wikipedia page.

Like, I definitely would not want that outcome personally, but holy shit that's awesome.

The Turkey Story

So it’s 2001, and my family drives from fucking California and like three blizzards to get to Ohio for thanksgiving, becuase my grandparents are moving into a nursing home and it’s their last holiday in that house.  So its a bit bittersweet but ultimately a good thing.

Since it’s their last holiday there, the family pulls out all the stops when it comes to dinner, all the Russian desserts come out, as does the Lethal Bacon Mashed Potatoes and the horrible candied yams with the mini marshmallows dish because not all expressions of love are good, even if they are sincere.  In the spirit of going all-out, Uncle Bobby smokes a Turkey.  

Uncle Bobby started cooking as a boy scout by tossing foil-wrapped potatoes into a campfire and has been addicted since, and now has a hand-made smokehouse in the backyard where he makes various cured meats and other delights.  He seasons the turkey in the traditional manner, but he and grandpa have a shared passion for a spicier mesquite-style bird, so Bobby makes a Cornish Game Hen seasoned that way, for them.

Then Bobby has a Brilliant Idea.  He realizes that he can stuff the turkey (once it has been smoked) with regular stuffing, and there is still plenty of room for him to put the game hen inside THAT, and stuff the game hen becuase why not?  He confers with Mom, and she explains how to cut open the turkey so there’s  dramatic reveal as the stuffing and game hen come out.  It’s Genius.

Except, of course, that my Aunt Sue is attending, Uncle Cliff slouching after her.

So the day of the dinner, tensions are running a bit high, between the marathon cooking, the kids all being trapped indoors due to aforementioned blizzards, and Uncle Cliff deciding that the best way to amuse himself is by hiding from the adults in the basement, getting drunk and rambling about how various ethic groups were destroying America.  Being that I had close Muslim friends that were leaving the country becuase of 9/11, I was near tears from this nonsense and ready to fight a man roughly five times my size.  

Sue, for some reason, keeps coming down and defending him, or telling us we’re rotten children for ‘attacking’ him, becuase she Must Stand By Her Man, even if her man is a hefty bag of dog feces with an ugly mustache.

My sister eventually bolts upstairs to tattle and my grandfather limps down to the basement and brandishes his Hip-Bone Cane, hands rock-steady in spite of the Parkinson’s slowly taking over him.

“Firstly Cliff, It may not be my roof much longer but while you are under it you will be civil, or I’ll beat your skull in.  Also, dinner’s ready, everyone go wash up.”

We go upstairs and sit down, and do the traditional “Name one thing you’re thankful for” as the bread gets passed around the table, and things calm down a bit.  Bobby brings out the Turkey and everyone goes OOH becuase it’s really pretty, them Mom carves it open so that the stuffing spills out dramatically along with the game hen and there’s an appreciative gasp all around becuase it looks cool.

Only Sue KEEPS gasping, in utter horror, before getting up and clasping her hands to her face ala Edvard Munch and shrieks-

“OH MY GOD IT WAS PREGNANT!”

We all stare at Sue.  We all look back at the fully-dressed-cooked-and-stuffed birds that in no way had any internal organs in them or ever gave live birth. Then we all looked back at Sue, trying to figure out where to begin but since she’d been trying to justify Cliff’s behavior she was pretty much free-associating conspiracies and scandals now, and just kept going.

“IT WAS PREGNANT MY GOD WE’VE COMMITTED AN ABORTION WE’RE ALL GOING TO HELL FOR THIS, I’M SO SORRY JESUS-” She goes into full pearl-clutching gibbering horror at this point and falls back into her chair like it’s a Victorian fainting couch only it’s a shitty chair from the Eisenhower administration so it collapses and she slams into the floor, sobbing and kicking her feet like a toddler.

Everyone watched for a moment before my Mom sighs heavily and starts carving and serving the turkey while my grandmother mouths “she’s not coming back”.   

Cliff, reactions delayed by about six beers, finally notices his wife is on the floor and tries to pick her up, falls on his ass himself.  They are assisted by Dad, who is saintly patient man and less immune to this jacknapery at that point. I am stuffing dinner rolls into my face to keep from laughing at this grand spectacle and it’s not working.

“I CAN’T EAT IT, I REFUSE TO PARTAKE IN THIS BARBARISM-”  Sue begins but Dad puts on his best Kindly Father voice (he was heavily involved with the catholic church and even considered becoming a priest before getting drafted but that’s another story) and assures Sue that she need not eat, or even be in the room if she wants.  She nods, placated by being the center of attention again, and Dad goes in for the kill.

“I wouldn’t want you to go hungry.  Can I make you some Eggs?”

“That would be lovely.” Said Sue, joke flying over her head like a boeing 747.  I recall watching my grandmother nearly choke to death on the green beans over that, and everyone pointedly trying to avoid talking about anything poultry-related while Sue sat there and ate the most ironic scrambled eggs in the history of mankind.

Shortly thereafter, Cliff threw up in the sink and they went home, and the party got underway properly, with Grandpa raising a toast to Mom and Uncle Bobby “For marrying well, for a change” “Pregnant Turkey” has been an Ohioan thanksgiving staple since then.  I’ll see if I can hit Uncle Bobby up for instructions but if you decide to make it 1. you HAVE to shriek “OH MY GOD IT WAS PREGNANT” when you carve it open, or it’s not authentic and won’t taste as good 2. Share the pictures with me.

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Oh, challenging schmallenging.

i love her 😍🥰

they'll transport just about anything on here!

Randomly remembered something I saw online and can't remember the exact details of - a translation of an ancient Egyptian letter that a young soldier sent his family from abroad, I think from Rome. While all the other details are lost to me, I distinctly remember the tone of the letter, because the attitude in it was so shockingly different to the way I was raised. In Finnish, the word for "conceited" is literally "self-loving", and there's a saying about how self-praise reeks, and any kind of praise of one's own is downright shameful. Entire generations have been raised with the idea that saying anything positive about your own children will rot their moral core.

And this guy in this letter was like "Dear father, dear mother, I am now here in Rome! I am sure to prosper thanks to how excellently you have raised me. I have commissioned a picture of myself in my new uniform, so you can see how handsome I look in it."

Like... Damn. Imagine raising a kid to be that unwaveringly confident in their own worth and prospects, and unhesitant to praise you as well. Why would you raise your kid any other way.

someone you loved just died of mysterious causes and you look out your window..

i like working at plant store. sometimes you ring up someone and there's a slug on their plant and so you're like "Oh haha you've got a friend there let me get that for you" and you put the slug on your hand for safekeeping but then its really busy and you dont have time to take the slug outside before the next customer in line so you just have a slug chilling on your hand for 15 minutes. really makes you feel at peace with nature. also it means sometimes i get to say my favorite line which is "would you like this free slug with your purchase"

@holyknuckled you get it. lterally what are we here on earth for if not to occasionally impose gastropods upon unsuspecting customers. this story is delightful

@holyknuckled like that?

oh? my god???

yeah, Exactly like that

*Scrolls past*

*reluctant sigh*

*scrolls back up*

*rebogs*

in a quick panic for an excuse one day, a red ranger insists on the existence of a Red Ranger Council that every red is a part of. they use it to communicate and plan, according to the ranger

news travels fast between teams, and the reds - who don’t need any context but will always back up a fellow leader’s schemes - agree without hesitation when asked

taylor: no way this is true

cole, had no idea about this but always ready to lie out of his ass without breaking a sweat: i have the minutes from our last meeting

casey: i got my invitation when i was visited in a prophetic dream

rj: by WHO

casey, dead serious: recruitment’s been easier since the mystic force team

kendall: this all just seems a little far-fetched

tyler: i have a life outside of this cave

lucas: but this wasn’t on record anywhere in history

wes: why would it be? we all know about it

it’s in their dna, even the newest reds accept this as fact. reds will never ever lie to their rangers, but like HELL are they going down for this single moment of weakness. it’s beyond their control now, out of their hands. they might as well just create a council at this point. they’re in too deep to come clean.

I need Sam to complain about having to be the one who recites the exorcism, why do I always have to do it, can’t you memorize it, and Dean laughs and says you’re the geek here, that’s why it’s your job, I do the fighting and you do the Latinating, and Sam says yeah, big talk, I know you just don’t want to say it because it hurts, stop being such a wuss about it and take your turn, and Dean says what do you mean it hurts and Sam says you know, the way it makes your throat and mouth burn and Dean says what the fuck, Sam, what are you talking about and then they both just… oh.

Love it when toddlers “read” books upside down. Oh small child, your imitation of adult activities is unsuccessful right now but someday you will know which direction that hungry caterpillar should be facing in order to surrender its information to you.

One day soon you will have almost all knowledge in the known universe at your fingertips and be very dangerous indeed. All that power may be enough to overwhelm you at times. But right now you are looking at an upside down picture of big bird. Oh, the things you are learning. Like how to pretend to look busy. You are practicing that skill very well already.

meirl

I’d like to add dickey collars for consideration.

I can picture him having an entire drawer devoted to an assortment of these, right next to his drawer full of ascots.

May I present this image from Legend of the Vampire?

what is the FUCKING truth

He has multiple outfits that all look identical while having completely different construction

why was this whole post obliterated

STAFF DOESN’T WANT US TO KNOW THE TRUTH

THE TRUTH CANNOT BE HIDDEN

What the hell happened here

I just logged on for the first time in hours and this was the first thing I saw, what the fuck? 😭😭😭

sometimes i wonder what my cat named me