it's hard to be anywhere these days when all i want is you

[inspired by @skepticalfrog’s young dean artwork] it’s dean’s 43rd birthday, and everyone’s excited to celebrate. after an overheard conversation gives jack some unusual gift inspiration, however, the bunker suddenly finds itself with one more winchester than expected. 26 year-old dean winchester’s scared, angry, and lonely — between fighting monsters and chasing demons with a father hellbent on revenge and a brother desperate to get away, celebrating his birthday is the last thing on his mind. now it’s up to older dean, cas, sam, jack, and eileen to help him learn that good things do happen, and birthday wishes can come true. 

There’s an ex-angel shaped like a human in the hallways of the bunker, and Dean doesn’t have a clue what to say to him. Because the thing is. The thing is. Dean is in love with him. Dean has been in love with him for a long goddamn time, in fact, and dealt with it about as well as he’s dealt with everything else in his life. But sorting out all of that is one of many items on a long, long list that Dean has been putting off.  Like, Dean has to come out to Sam. And Dean has to deal with the fact that he’s been a hunter first, person second for the entirety of his adult life, which hasn’t really left a lot of time for soul searching. And Dean has to make peace with a father who wanted revenge more than he wanted his sons, and yet still found the time to mess them both up. All of those tasks seem insurmountable, so Dean focuses on what he can do. He drives, he hunts, he watches cowboy movies with Cas. He figures it out, bit by bit.

Cas didn’t hear his prayer. It shouldn’t be so surprising, and Dean supposes he has no right to feel so dejected. Cas’s powers have been failing - not that Dean has asked him about it - and they’ve barely spoken in weeks. The schism between them is widening, and he can’t bring himself to bridge that gap. So Dean soldiers on as he always does, keeps his head down and his gun loaded, and focuses his attention on saving Chuck. But when the nightmares start, Dean has no choice but to confront his own demons and face the possibility of losing the one thing he’s truly wanted.

[ID. Two GIFs from Supernatural. The first, a closeup of Lily Sunder’s face from Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets. Realizing that Ishim has killed Akobel she starts to cry and says “You killed him? And now you’re gonna kill me?”. The second, a closeup of Dean’s face right before Castiel’s confession during Despair. With tears in his eyes he says “She’s gonna get through that door. And she’s gonna kill you, and then she’s gonna kill me.” /END ID]