doing an english vocabulary test even though i'm a native speaker (i guess i've just hit a certain level of boredom). i like these alternative words for headache. this is giving me a headouch. i think we should start using that. My Head Ouchie Mama

Today in my fiction class i had my students give presentations on their writing process and one girl had a slide in her presentation that was titled ‘Challenges’ and then had the following image:

And I laughed really loudly at it and then asked her to send it to me after class.

The big wet puppy eyes my grandpa just gave me when I said I was making naan and he said “garlic naan ??” With barely concealed excitement . Needless to say I added so much garlic to the naan

this is killing me

Why are you such a bore Ford

"I CANT HANDLE THIS" *handles this*

"I CANT TAKE ANOTHER DAY" *takes another day*

You won't believe me when I say this, but one color, plus another color, equals another color

actually when i was a strapping young dyke of only 2 years old i grabbed hot chocolate from the microwave, which had been boiling this beverage for 5 minutes straight, and spilled it all over me. severe burns but i was a really cool two year old and swagged through it. anyway when i got older my mother told me they had used pigs skin for the graft and so that's what i told my friends in school. ever since then my nickname in highschool had became hotdog skin. only once i was a strong and hearty lesbian did she reveal to me that it was just normal skin not pig skin and they were joking with me. i was out here telling people i had pig skin as an interesting icebreaker my entire academic life. my entire world upturned. ah well yet again i swagged through it. for women everywhere

every single day the news is like "breaking: the president has decreed that 100 to 200 angry hornets will be crammed into the mouth of each and every non-billionaire in the continental US on a random night this week while they sleep!" and every single time i'm like "...is this a power traditionally held by the executive branch of the US government?" and sometimes the answer is "unfortunately yes" and sometimes the answer is "no but it's happening anyway lol" and then i'm like "well i guess i hope the other branches impose checks and balances on his decision" and then the republican-majority supreme court is like "we're fine with this" and the republican-majority congress is like "what if the hornets were angrier actually" and then some glossy new startup is like "we built a tool to help predict which night is your night to have the hornets jammed in there, it's called buzzz :)" but then it turns out the tool is powered by ai so it's completely worthless and anyway what i'm saying is no, i haven't really been keeping up on my laundry lately.

so i hauve covid rn and i must say, American cold medicine is the absolute bees knees. You go to a UK pharmacy and they tenderly press like eight (8) paracetamol into the palm of your hand... God FORBID you're sick in France, i had to scour every pharmacy in Paris for something that wasn't HOMEOPATHIC PASTILLES. meanwhile last night i took the last of my stash of Nyquil that expired in 2019 and it was like getting hit by a fucking baseball bat (affectionate). press X to timeskip. LOVE me a cheeky little medically induced coma. you can really feel that it's a precursor to meth. i know that everything is fucking awful over there my friedns and my heart goes out to every one of you but if you need one small bright light of national pride in this time of strife please know that i envy you your cold medicine every day

back before I had a bazillion parents and siblings when I was still an only child with a single mom and I wasn’t old enough for school she used to take me to work with her and I’d just read and colour and nap on a blanket under her desk, and as a funny result of that no matter how alert or uncomfy I am, if I can get myself under a desk somewhere then I will sleep like the dead. My old roommate got mad at me once cause she found me under the dining table

someone just literally interrupted me mid conversation to tell me “what wonderful big dark eyes i’ve got” and on the one hand extremely flattering that she couldn’t even wait until the end of my sentence to comment on this, on the other hand did she have to say it like im the big bad wolf

some of u should have an OnlyClowns account

what the fuck do you think a tumblr is

My body can orgasm at a perfect 2.4 GHz. Tread carefully you horny little hylic whelp, lest I deign to sunder your neurons apart with a blast of sexual orgone wifi.

Listen kitten, mommy REALLY needs to caramelize four pounds of onions in a huge pot. Mommy isn't sure if this is a sex thing for her just yet but she will keep you updated.