me, holding a pizza box and shouting: SUE!

customer walks up

me: sue?

customer opens the box, frowns, and sticks her finger in the pizza: i didn’t order pepperoni

me, with a voice devoid of any emotion: ……. sue?

customer: oh! no i’m (name)!

the actual sue, materializing at my elbow: is that a pizza for sue?

me: would you like some free breadsticks to eat while we remake you pizza? another customer touched it

‘another customer’ sheepishly mumbles sorry

sue, who has clearly worked with the public: you take as long as you need to, honey

me, shouting at the top of my lungs: ICED VENTI VANILLA LATTE FOR JENNIFER

male customer standing right in front of me turns to look

me: jennifer? iced vanilla latte?

customer says nothing, takes the drink, shoves straw in, takes a long sip

customer: i wanted this hot. i ordered a small hot decaf skinny vanilla latte.

me: are you jennifer?

customer: no, i’m daniel

Some people wonder why people fight wars, but I have no trouble imagining reasons for people to just haul off on each other. 

People like this should have to pay full price for the order they ruined.

People like this should

have to pay full price for the

order they ruined.

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

There's families where both parents are raising the kids. Then there's families where one parent is doing their best to raise the kids while the other parent sabotages every attempt to do so every step of the way. Then there's families where nobody is raising the kids, and the kids are doing their best to raise each other. And then there's families where the kids are doing their best to raise each other while the parents sabotage their every attempt to do so every step of the way.

salvage

After growing up during the I Can Haz Cheeseburger era, I'm glad that we as a society have progressed to the point of understanding that cats' internal narration should be extremely dignified and comically formal for a creature so dumb. They really are like

Sir, I fail to see which part of this situation you could possibly find amusing. Can you not see that I am stuck, trapped onto this couch by my own claw, and shall consequently die?

It's interesting to find out as an adult that a lot of things you were taught to regard as "pretentious incomprehensible nonsense that fancy pretentious intellectuals pretend to understand in order to impress other fancy pretentious intellectuals who also won't admit that they don't get it either" are actually perfectly comprehensible. It's just that the people who raised you were either too stupid to get it, or too stubborn to even try. Yes I do actually understand how the cinematic visual symbolism of something that would make no sense in real life represents the characters' emotions in this scene.

I understand everything except wine. I just don't have a strong enough sense of scent or taste to tell the difference beyond what colour it is.

Big ‘ld turnip brain forgot to post this here

Can I be a hater?

You are not staying in the tags

x

Generational differences!

together in our flock

when i was 18 i used to go to plant parenthood for my testosterone with my mom and the protesters outside would yell at me like i was there helping my mom get an abortion

imagining we both walk in but then my mom leaves alone

Last night I had a dream where I was walking somewhere on a sunny day on a perfectly regular street, and saw someone walking a bunch of dogs, including three identical dachshunds that were off-leash, but attached to each other by a stick passed through all three of their harnesses. They were running around enthusiastically in a perfect row, while simultaneously keeping those little low "I'm warning you, I don't like this" growls at each other, clearly at conflict between loving the freedom of being unleashed, and hating the fact that they were stuck to each other.

I saw that go by and thought "holy shit, that's definitely my One Good Thing I Saw Today" but then I woke up.

Fun fact: if you, as an adult, tell miserable children that their youth is the best that life will ever be, and that it's all just downhill from there, there's a percentage of them who will hear this and think "well, I guess I better kill myself before that happens." And a certain percentage of those will proceed to do that and succeed.

Anyway what I'm saying is that any time you feel tempted to say that, you should instead consider shutting the fuck up. Just because you peaked at 16 doesn't mean anyone else did. Most peoples' lives get better than that.

A conversation in the nighttime

Part 1

Part 2

Here was the comic I was yapping about :D.

It got too long so I had to split it into two parts.

Ways to make everyone instantly uncomfortable: If someone casually mentions some apparently commonly known fact that you hadn't heard of before, you can always say "oh, that's a real thing? I thought that it was just a porn trope."

My friend had no idea the southern hemisphere had opposite seasons until I told him (we are both adults)

I think I would’ve died on the spot if this had been his response.

I imagine there's been at least two christmas-themed New Zealand porn films featuring sex on the beach, but the implication that there'd be enough to make up their own genre, and have it be someone's favourite genre to the point that they assume that the circumstances are just a porn trope, would have killed me on the spot also.

Cause of Death: finding out your friend is so into such a hyperspecific brand of NZ porn they believed the axial tilt of our planet was made up for said porn.

It's probably too long to go on a tombstone, but I'd say least make sure it got into the obituary.

Make the text on the tombstone get smaller and smaller every row like the person carving it realised halfway through that they're running out of space but still decided to keep going.

Why do you guys think tombstones have cause of death on them?

Wait, they don't? Is that just a porn trope?