Things I wish people would do when their partner says no to having sex:
- Not try to convince them otherwise. You can have a discussion later about wanting to have sex more. Right now, there’s likely a lot of emotions going on and it may be seen as coercive. Have this discussion after both of you are in better headspaces, in a nonsexual situation.
- Not take it personally. Someone else not wanting to have sex with you right now is probably not about you. Especially if you’re in an otherwise stable relationship. If you have difficulty with this, please talk to a trusted third-party about it.
- Ask your partner if there’s another bonding activity they would be interested in. This can help with (2). Ideas: watching tv, playing a game, cuddling. This can also help reassure your partner that you are not mad at them for saying no and that you are a safe person to say no to.
A Bit of a Related Tangent:
People talk a lot about compromise. About how, in a relationship, if one person wants sex all the time and one wants sex only half the time, that they “should meet in the middle.” They forget to add that compromise is OPTIONAL.
If you do not want to have any sex (and especially if having sex is making you feel uncomfortable in any way), you do not have to compromise by sometimes having sex. You CAN if you want to/don’t mind doing so!! But you DO NOT HAVE TO. (You can also try and then say no that’s not going to work. You do not have to try if you do not want to.)
If you do want to have sex and your partner doesn’t, you do not have to be in that relationship.
You are allowed to be sexually incompatible with people. How that impacts your relationship is up to the people therein.
Your partner should not use “compromise” as a way to try to coerce you into having sex that you are otherwise not interested in having. If you are compromising, both parties should feel comfortable and happy with the outcome, not like it is their duty or just a way to prevent someone from leaving them.