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Happy New Year! / 2018+ Retrospective on why Im ignoring ...
3 years ago
General
"Either you die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain!"
I've become what i hate - a clickbait title!
Hello everyone and HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I wish you everything that is good and fortunate in the following year in this apocalypse.
I think this is the perfect time to actually talk about things and offer some insight to those who have tried to be a friend to me in the past few years. Emphasis on tried, as i don't exactly make it easy. So maybe after reading this, my friend, you will more understand of why i disappeared from time to time, but if you don't i guess you will never know and that is also okay.
So lets do this chronologically.
2018 was actually a pretty good year for me... at the start of it. At the second half of 2018, something in me broke, either from just pressure or stress, or just peoples expectations that i just couldn't keep up that i got very bitter and deeply disappointed in everyone around me online, that i've retreated into my hermit mode and i was taking breaks from just being online, which to a lot of people isn't something they would ever do.
To me, being online is work and draining. Maintaining relationships through constant typing and texting, even though sometimes very fun, is not ideal and i heavily prefer face-to-face communication. I don't like using my phone, so me constantly being glued to it and having to reply to every single person all the time to no end took its toll on me, and i would just disappear. Turn off my phone and my social media and then just disappear not replying for days, come back once i have a little bit of "online social energy" and then quickly retreat once it is spent.
Some people straight up did not like that and left. I lost some really good friendships over that. Which is also okay. If their friendship hangs on the thread of me having to be constantly reassuring them of whatever their need is, maybe it is okay to let them go no matter how fun it is. It sucks, but sometimes you need to let people go.
Spoiler alert: This mood will not change since then even today, i just learned how to manage this better.
In 2019 the 2018 mood persisted and i was pretty much an internet recluse. I would still do some drawing here and there, but most of my efforts went to the gym, but i was feeling overall exhausted.
In August i started playing Final Fantasy XIV, but because of severe anxiety i did not want to let anyone know that i did, or play with other people. I wasn't even sure how long i would play it. This has everything to do with the Guild Wars 2 experience of running a guild, and my heart just couldn't handle any more disappointment in people.
In September, my dad breaks his hip, and this would change my life drastically. So if you thought i disappeared in 2018, oh boy...
I am my fathers primary caretaker since i have a "flexible schedule" so i had to take care of him. It wasn't anything super bad, i just had to do shopping or something he needed where he couldn't walk.
Me and my dad do not have a good relationship, so me having to do this is not ideal for me or my mental health.
I could still draw and do my commissions and go to the gym, it's just this one added obligation to my schedule.
And then we all know what happens
Ah yes. The disaster that was 2020. Short version of everything is:
- my dad's hip doesn't get fixed because COVID happened, he is still in pain, im still there for him
- COVID happened
- had to self isolate to protect my dad which means no gym anymore
- i am playing Animal Crossing like a maniac
- I am playing Final Fantasy XIV
- arting here and there but there is a severe drop in productivity
- anxiety and not wanting to talk to people is still at high levels
In 2021, i've decided to become social again. Or at least, build courage to be, and generally to be kinder to people. Become the change you want to see in the world, right?
I am still super heavily into FFXIV, so with the help of my FC, we open our own social venue in the game, for Hrothgars and Roes. This would be what i really needed to figure stuff out and get out my rut.
I started being social and slowly recover mentally, and learning how to deal with different situation to not affect me as much.
I've met some wonderful friends, and i've even tweeted about how FFXIV was super beneficial to my own mental health.
The pressures of being an online public figure didn't go away, i just learned how to manage it better.
But then in October 2021, my life would drastically change where i would just disappear like i did in 2018, so if you have been trying to talk to me since then, and you didn't know what happened, i will tell you now. I am sorry that i ignored you.
In October 2021, my dads hip STILL is NOT fixed, and he has been displaying some suspicious neurological symptoms. After some horrible visits to the hospital, we found out that he had a brain tumor.
He could walk, but it was extremely painful every time we had to take him to the doctor. It was a huge problem to have him seated in the car every time. He got operated on in December.
My online life at the time, i told maybe just a handful of people about this and what is happening, and i would try my very best to stay online and talk to you. But i would also just disappear or flat out ignore mundane memes or people just whining at me, when i had an actual problem on my hands.
I have stopped engaging with 80% of things happening online. My dad who i have a complex relationship with, had cancer that cannot be cured, and i was his primary caretaker. I know nothing about taking care of another person.
I think i grew up a lot in 2022. My dads cancer put things into perspective.
[TRIGGER WARNING] If you were in a similar situation i was in, you don't have to read any further and remember those horrible times. What i went through with him, i wouldn't wish upon anyone. Cancer is a horrible HORRIBLE illness.
His condition would be deteriorating rapidly.
His speech: he couldn't even form a sentence. He wasn't demented, his thoughts worked properly, it's just when he wanted to say something, he couldn't. That made communication a problem since he couldn't say the simplest things like "I want _______ for breakfast."
He would lose his balance, so i had to hold him and watch over him as he walked to the bathroom with his crutches, while balancing to give him SOME sense of independence, that he can do something on his own.
He would forget how to use a spoon, or a toothbrush, or the shower.
He would become aware of the fact that he has no idea how do the simplest things, like changing a channel on the tv, and he just wouldn't see the point in continuing like this.
He would refuse to take his medicine every single day.
He would refuse to eat or drink every single day.
Every single day, i was with him, from the moment i wake up, to when i put him to bed. Sometimes even wake up in the middle of the night if there was some accident. Dealing with unhelpful doctors. I've had some help, but mostly it was me who had to do everything
On October 4th 2022, my dad passed away.
My dads cancer put things into perspective.
I had good people around me.
I had bad people around me.
I mostly had people who only think they're good around me.
I was, and even to this day, i am disappointed in some people, when i thought my expectations of them couldn't be lower.
I won't go into detail but i am:
angry, bitter, disappointed.
But i also have this great fire and resolution in me to do the things i need/have/want to do.
I know kindness, and who to give it to
I know indifference for those who deserve it
I've learned to not take things personally
I have the courage to be disliked
I have the strength to stand my ground
I have the determination to walk my own path
I've become what i hate - a clickbait title!
Hello everyone and HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I wish you everything that is good and fortunate in the following year in this apocalypse.
I think this is the perfect time to actually talk about things and offer some insight to those who have tried to be a friend to me in the past few years. Emphasis on tried, as i don't exactly make it easy. So maybe after reading this, my friend, you will more understand of why i disappeared from time to time, but if you don't i guess you will never know and that is also okay.
So lets do this chronologically.
2018
2018 was actually a pretty good year for me... at the start of it. At the second half of 2018, something in me broke, either from just pressure or stress, or just peoples expectations that i just couldn't keep up that i got very bitter and deeply disappointed in everyone around me online, that i've retreated into my hermit mode and i was taking breaks from just being online, which to a lot of people isn't something they would ever do.
To me, being online is work and draining. Maintaining relationships through constant typing and texting, even though sometimes very fun, is not ideal and i heavily prefer face-to-face communication. I don't like using my phone, so me constantly being glued to it and having to reply to every single person all the time to no end took its toll on me, and i would just disappear. Turn off my phone and my social media and then just disappear not replying for days, come back once i have a little bit of "online social energy" and then quickly retreat once it is spent.
Some people straight up did not like that and left. I lost some really good friendships over that. Which is also okay. If their friendship hangs on the thread of me having to be constantly reassuring them of whatever their need is, maybe it is okay to let them go no matter how fun it is. It sucks, but sometimes you need to let people go.
Spoiler alert: This mood will not change since then even today, i just learned how to manage this better.
2019
In 2019 the 2018 mood persisted and i was pretty much an internet recluse. I would still do some drawing here and there, but most of my efforts went to the gym, but i was feeling overall exhausted.
In August i started playing Final Fantasy XIV, but because of severe anxiety i did not want to let anyone know that i did, or play with other people. I wasn't even sure how long i would play it. This has everything to do with the Guild Wars 2 experience of running a guild, and my heart just couldn't handle any more disappointment in people.
In September, my dad breaks his hip, and this would change my life drastically. So if you thought i disappeared in 2018, oh boy...
I am my fathers primary caretaker since i have a "flexible schedule" so i had to take care of him. It wasn't anything super bad, i just had to do shopping or something he needed where he couldn't walk.
Me and my dad do not have a good relationship, so me having to do this is not ideal for me or my mental health.
I could still draw and do my commissions and go to the gym, it's just this one added obligation to my schedule.
And then we all know what happens
2020
Ah yes. The disaster that was 2020. Short version of everything is:
- my dad's hip doesn't get fixed because COVID happened, he is still in pain, im still there for him
- COVID happened
- had to self isolate to protect my dad which means no gym anymore
- i am playing Animal Crossing like a maniac
- I am playing Final Fantasy XIV
- arting here and there but there is a severe drop in productivity
- anxiety and not wanting to talk to people is still at high levels
2021
In 2021, i've decided to become social again. Or at least, build courage to be, and generally to be kinder to people. Become the change you want to see in the world, right?
I am still super heavily into FFXIV, so with the help of my FC, we open our own social venue in the game, for Hrothgars and Roes. This would be what i really needed to figure stuff out and get out my rut.
I started being social and slowly recover mentally, and learning how to deal with different situation to not affect me as much.
I've met some wonderful friends, and i've even tweeted about how FFXIV was super beneficial to my own mental health.
The pressures of being an online public figure didn't go away, i just learned how to manage it better.
But then in October 2021, my life would drastically change where i would just disappear like i did in 2018, so if you have been trying to talk to me since then, and you didn't know what happened, i will tell you now. I am sorry that i ignored you.
In October 2021, my dads hip STILL is NOT fixed, and he has been displaying some suspicious neurological symptoms. After some horrible visits to the hospital, we found out that he had a brain tumor.
He could walk, but it was extremely painful every time we had to take him to the doctor. It was a huge problem to have him seated in the car every time. He got operated on in December.
My online life at the time, i told maybe just a handful of people about this and what is happening, and i would try my very best to stay online and talk to you. But i would also just disappear or flat out ignore mundane memes or people just whining at me, when i had an actual problem on my hands.
I have stopped engaging with 80% of things happening online. My dad who i have a complex relationship with, had cancer that cannot be cured, and i was his primary caretaker. I know nothing about taking care of another person.
2022
I think i grew up a lot in 2022. My dads cancer put things into perspective.
[TRIGGER WARNING] If you were in a similar situation i was in, you don't have to read any further and remember those horrible times. What i went through with him, i wouldn't wish upon anyone. Cancer is a horrible HORRIBLE illness.
His condition would be deteriorating rapidly.
His speech: he couldn't even form a sentence. He wasn't demented, his thoughts worked properly, it's just when he wanted to say something, he couldn't. That made communication a problem since he couldn't say the simplest things like "I want _______ for breakfast."
He would lose his balance, so i had to hold him and watch over him as he walked to the bathroom with his crutches, while balancing to give him SOME sense of independence, that he can do something on his own.
He would forget how to use a spoon, or a toothbrush, or the shower.
He would become aware of the fact that he has no idea how do the simplest things, like changing a channel on the tv, and he just wouldn't see the point in continuing like this.
He would refuse to take his medicine every single day.
He would refuse to eat or drink every single day.
Every single day, i was with him, from the moment i wake up, to when i put him to bed. Sometimes even wake up in the middle of the night if there was some accident. Dealing with unhelpful doctors. I've had some help, but mostly it was me who had to do everything
On October 4th 2022, my dad passed away.
2023
My dads cancer put things into perspective.
I had good people around me.
I had bad people around me.
I mostly had people who only think they're good around me.
I was, and even to this day, i am disappointed in some people, when i thought my expectations of them couldn't be lower.
I won't go into detail but i am:
angry, bitter, disappointed.
But i also have this great fire and resolution in me to do the things i need/have/want to do.
I know kindness, and who to give it to
I know indifference for those who deserve it
I've learned to not take things personally
I have the courage to be disliked
I have the strength to stand my ground
I have the determination to walk my own path
My new years resolution is to become an unstoppable force that has always been "Taoren"
a gigantic flame
an unmoving mountain
a raging ice storm
an unending ocean
a big green field
a falling sky.Get crushed, 2023.
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