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The annual Fuzz went to AC and has to emotionally vent post!
6 years ago
General
Hi everybody.
As you know (or maybe you don't know), I have been attending AC annually since 2017 and tend to find myself writing rather emotionally driven journals about my experiences at the convention. 2017 can be read [here] and 2018 can be read [here].
Here's my 2019 report.
I will begin by saying that the start of this con felt different than the other years. I noticed it in a few others as well. We arrived early Thursday this year- which was the earliest to date for us. Last year we arrived Thursday evening, and 2017 we arrived Friday mid-day. Essentially we had an entire day to ourselves, since the only things happening convention-wise were a few panels and pre-reg stuff. Most of the day was simply spent meeting up with a few friends and relaxing in the hotel room. But the vibe I felt was..different. There was absolutely some excitement there, but there was also a lot more anxiety this year. Nervousness. One of my roommates felt the same way, and her and I are usually on a similar level, emotion-wise. I think I was able to attribute this to what seems to be the theme of this particular convention for me, emotionally- polish wearing off.
Now, before I go any further, that sounds a LOT more negative than I'm meaning it to. The polish by any means is not wearing off AC, conventions, or the furry fandom as a whole. Rather, the thrill and excitement of something brand new has run it's course. This is my third AC, and I had relatively high confidence in what to expect. When that excited layer is worn away, or rather not covering up everything else, it defaults to my more 'normal' state, which in this case naturally tends to have a little bit of anxiety, stress, and all that associated with it. Again, nothing negative and not the fault of the con of the fandom. Just a realization.
Realizations.
Came to a lot of those this con. Mostly good. Some just..good to know, even if they might be a little negative. I did a lot of personal reflection this convention, about the fandom, what it means to me, and what my place is in it both now and in the future.
The biggest single realization I made is that I need to get myself a fursuit. It's as simple as that. I mean..I've always felt the desire for a suit after attending a meet or a con, and it was just sort of one of those things that would fade after a few months. Too many practical reasons, too many mental sabotages forming road blocks in that regard. However, as time has gone on, the desire gets stronger and stronger, becoming more of a 'this would be nice' to more of a 'this is a necessity'. Part of that comes from just my personal experiences in dealing with the fandom-- people LIKE fursuiters. They make people smile and laugh and feel good. There is only so much I can do in my hooman suit, y'know? As I've lost weight and slowly gained self confidence, the urge and desire has gotten larger with it. This year, especially, I've realized that I need a fursuit because I am ready to experience AC on the level that being in suit can provide, and ONLY a suit can provide. It's as simple as that. I can attend panels, and I can go to the dealer's den, and I can people watch, and I will love every second of it..but I want more. And that more will come in the form of getting myself a suit and getting out there and throwing myself into the thick of it. I wanted that from the moment I stepped into the con in 2017, and now it's just an underlying, burning, ever-increasing desire. I am hoping by 2020 to have myself a suit, and I am absolutely ready to unleash Fuzzy onto the world. Sometimes I find myself regretting that it took me so long to get into the fandom- despite being in it for 18 years, I've really only become tangible in it the past 3. Most of that was beyond my control, but I can't shake the nagging..guilt, I suppose it is, that it took me so long to get started. Years I can't get back. Experiences I won't have. The physical strain it takes on an older critter like myself. I'm hoping to just push through it via sheer will.
That was really the biggest feeling I walked away from at this convention- the desire for more. To put myself out there more. I want to make a mark. I want to make people smile. I want to do the things that Fuzz can do online, in person. I want to slip into that world and become lost in it for a few days, and to slip away from worrying about stuff.
This all being said..all of the standard stuff applies here too for my con experiences. I was all smiles seeing so many beautiful people out there. There were a lot of families this year, and seeing so many children experiencing joy in the fandom and wearing suits was absolutely precious. Holy MOLY children look adorable in a goofy fursuit! I met a few first-time friends this year, and they were amazing folks. A few returned from last year, and a few sadly could not attend this year-- that was a big blow for me. One of my absolute favorite aspects of these conventions is simply standing out in the thick of it late night and absorbing it all. Talking about life, the fandom, and all out experiences while life happens around us. The late-night vibe of AC is just..peace incarnate. People walking around in their suits under the stars, some soft music playing, laughter and hugs being hard. People just being themselves and not giving a shit about what the world has to say. I was able to have less of that this year, though I was still able to spend some time with a few friends reminiscing. It's a very important part of the experience for me, I've found out.
How do I feel moving forward? I'm going to ask myself this, since you probably won't.
I feel..well, right now I feel PCD something fierce. Driving away from that love, that happiness, that freedom, that colorful wave of joy which the fandom is..it's always the hardest thing. I cried, just a little this time. I had to bite my lip pretty hard and swallow a lump in my throat as we slipped out of the city limits. I hate leaving the con behind. It just feels..wrong. That lifestyle is my home. That energy is my life. It is absolutely beyond exhausting, and i know it only happens because of the hard work of dozens of amazing people who do it for us..but god, every fiber of my being just ACHES to live in a world like that. To just..be the person I know I am, which I cannot rightfully express because folks won't allow it. I always want to just stick my head out the window and scream at the convention that I love everyone there, and i just want to thank the entire fandom for being itself. It sounds a little crazy, sure, but god if I don't mean every single word.
I love this fandom. I love being a furry. For it's ups and downs, there is nothing else on this planet I would trade it for. AC 2019 was an exhausting experience for me, but a good one. A great one, really. Nothing will ever top the fundamental impact 2017 had on me, but I am realizing now where my place in the fandom is, and where I want to find myself going in the future.
As always..thank you. Thank you to everyone who attended AC. Thank you to all the artists, suitmakers, crafters, painters, musicians, actors, volunteer members, and staff that make all of this possible. You bring so much joy to so many people. I wish there was a way I could properly express myself rather than poorly written, poorly worded soup that spills from emotional fingers..but here we are. You have all made something beautiful together, and it is always an immense honor to consider myself amongst your ranks.
Thank you for welcoming me back home. ♥
As you know (or maybe you don't know), I have been attending AC annually since 2017 and tend to find myself writing rather emotionally driven journals about my experiences at the convention. 2017 can be read [here] and 2018 can be read [here].
Here's my 2019 report.
I will begin by saying that the start of this con felt different than the other years. I noticed it in a few others as well. We arrived early Thursday this year- which was the earliest to date for us. Last year we arrived Thursday evening, and 2017 we arrived Friday mid-day. Essentially we had an entire day to ourselves, since the only things happening convention-wise were a few panels and pre-reg stuff. Most of the day was simply spent meeting up with a few friends and relaxing in the hotel room. But the vibe I felt was..different. There was absolutely some excitement there, but there was also a lot more anxiety this year. Nervousness. One of my roommates felt the same way, and her and I are usually on a similar level, emotion-wise. I think I was able to attribute this to what seems to be the theme of this particular convention for me, emotionally- polish wearing off.
Now, before I go any further, that sounds a LOT more negative than I'm meaning it to. The polish by any means is not wearing off AC, conventions, or the furry fandom as a whole. Rather, the thrill and excitement of something brand new has run it's course. This is my third AC, and I had relatively high confidence in what to expect. When that excited layer is worn away, or rather not covering up everything else, it defaults to my more 'normal' state, which in this case naturally tends to have a little bit of anxiety, stress, and all that associated with it. Again, nothing negative and not the fault of the con of the fandom. Just a realization.
Realizations.
Came to a lot of those this con. Mostly good. Some just..good to know, even if they might be a little negative. I did a lot of personal reflection this convention, about the fandom, what it means to me, and what my place is in it both now and in the future.
The biggest single realization I made is that I need to get myself a fursuit. It's as simple as that. I mean..I've always felt the desire for a suit after attending a meet or a con, and it was just sort of one of those things that would fade after a few months. Too many practical reasons, too many mental sabotages forming road blocks in that regard. However, as time has gone on, the desire gets stronger and stronger, becoming more of a 'this would be nice' to more of a 'this is a necessity'. Part of that comes from just my personal experiences in dealing with the fandom-- people LIKE fursuiters. They make people smile and laugh and feel good. There is only so much I can do in my hooman suit, y'know? As I've lost weight and slowly gained self confidence, the urge and desire has gotten larger with it. This year, especially, I've realized that I need a fursuit because I am ready to experience AC on the level that being in suit can provide, and ONLY a suit can provide. It's as simple as that. I can attend panels, and I can go to the dealer's den, and I can people watch, and I will love every second of it..but I want more. And that more will come in the form of getting myself a suit and getting out there and throwing myself into the thick of it. I wanted that from the moment I stepped into the con in 2017, and now it's just an underlying, burning, ever-increasing desire. I am hoping by 2020 to have myself a suit, and I am absolutely ready to unleash Fuzzy onto the world. Sometimes I find myself regretting that it took me so long to get into the fandom- despite being in it for 18 years, I've really only become tangible in it the past 3. Most of that was beyond my control, but I can't shake the nagging..guilt, I suppose it is, that it took me so long to get started. Years I can't get back. Experiences I won't have. The physical strain it takes on an older critter like myself. I'm hoping to just push through it via sheer will.
That was really the biggest feeling I walked away from at this convention- the desire for more. To put myself out there more. I want to make a mark. I want to make people smile. I want to do the things that Fuzz can do online, in person. I want to slip into that world and become lost in it for a few days, and to slip away from worrying about stuff.
This all being said..all of the standard stuff applies here too for my con experiences. I was all smiles seeing so many beautiful people out there. There were a lot of families this year, and seeing so many children experiencing joy in the fandom and wearing suits was absolutely precious. Holy MOLY children look adorable in a goofy fursuit! I met a few first-time friends this year, and they were amazing folks. A few returned from last year, and a few sadly could not attend this year-- that was a big blow for me. One of my absolute favorite aspects of these conventions is simply standing out in the thick of it late night and absorbing it all. Talking about life, the fandom, and all out experiences while life happens around us. The late-night vibe of AC is just..peace incarnate. People walking around in their suits under the stars, some soft music playing, laughter and hugs being hard. People just being themselves and not giving a shit about what the world has to say. I was able to have less of that this year, though I was still able to spend some time with a few friends reminiscing. It's a very important part of the experience for me, I've found out.
How do I feel moving forward? I'm going to ask myself this, since you probably won't.
I feel..well, right now I feel PCD something fierce. Driving away from that love, that happiness, that freedom, that colorful wave of joy which the fandom is..it's always the hardest thing. I cried, just a little this time. I had to bite my lip pretty hard and swallow a lump in my throat as we slipped out of the city limits. I hate leaving the con behind. It just feels..wrong. That lifestyle is my home. That energy is my life. It is absolutely beyond exhausting, and i know it only happens because of the hard work of dozens of amazing people who do it for us..but god, every fiber of my being just ACHES to live in a world like that. To just..be the person I know I am, which I cannot rightfully express because folks won't allow it. I always want to just stick my head out the window and scream at the convention that I love everyone there, and i just want to thank the entire fandom for being itself. It sounds a little crazy, sure, but god if I don't mean every single word.
I love this fandom. I love being a furry. For it's ups and downs, there is nothing else on this planet I would trade it for. AC 2019 was an exhausting experience for me, but a good one. A great one, really. Nothing will ever top the fundamental impact 2017 had on me, but I am realizing now where my place in the fandom is, and where I want to find myself going in the future.
As always..thank you. Thank you to everyone who attended AC. Thank you to all the artists, suitmakers, crafters, painters, musicians, actors, volunteer members, and staff that make all of this possible. You bring so much joy to so many people. I wish there was a way I could properly express myself rather than poorly written, poorly worded soup that spills from emotional fingers..but here we are. You have all made something beautiful together, and it is always an immense honor to consider myself amongst your ranks.
Thank you for welcoming me back home. ♥
Suiting really is something kinda special.. I had a partial at BLFC this year and it was just oddly fun to kinda make rounds and hear peoples' reactions, pose for photos, all that jazz.. I don't think it speaks to me as much as it does some and it's still kinda delightfully fulfilling!
It's also kinda exciting to see something like a con act as a catalyst for such poignant self-reflection.. always a valuable effort to put forth!
Excitingly enough, I am absolutely getting a fursuit, it's been confirmed and the deposit is made..and I am absolutely beyond excited to bring Fuzzy to life. While making people smile, posing for photos, and general suiting shenanigans are welcome, the mere fact I am finally bringing him to life after nearly two decades is just a very fundamentally powerful, moving experience for me.
I am not sure if I'll have him in time for AC 2020, but I will absolutely have a journal all ready to go after my first time in suit!
I've always appreciated your gentle intelligence you bring to my journals and writing, and I thank you again for doing so. Do let me know if you ever wanna have a proper chat outside of FA- I'm easy to contact. ♥
Also, that last bit is a real nice thing to say, I appreciate the sentiment. <3 I'm not too chatty an individual usually, but I also don't mind gettin' in touch outside shouts n' comments and all. :D