Today didn’t feel right from the moment I woke up. Something felt off. Was it because I’d gotten 2 hours of sleep and had to go out on an early morning call, or just that I knew something was not right today.

Breakfast was around 2:00PM
We got a call before we could finish.

When we got there to find out That the apartment didn’t belong to the guy who called, but to his brother.
They told me a few details of why they wanted me to unlock the door.

I wish that when I unlocked the door, the apartment was just empty. That he had left to spend the night somewhere and just didn’t want to talk to anyone.
I wish that he was just in bed, with his phone off not wanting to talk to anyone, but would have at least listened to what his mother had to say.

I wish that there wasn’t a 20 year old man, just starting his life that still had his older brother.

I wish that today was different.
I was there with my older brother. He was working with me today to help out. The job came in when we were eating breakfast. My waffle iron broke 3/5th of the way through making waffles.
So the rest of the batter was used to make two small pancakes.
I gave my brother the last 1/4 of my waffle because he really wanted waffles this morning.

This poor kid is never going to share waffles with his brother again.
His mother will never be the same again. Losing her first born child.
Questioning forever and filling herself with those terrible thoughts that we all have when something like this happens.
All those “what if’s”
What if they went there last night?
What if they called us 4 hours sooner?
8 hours sooner?
Or right when the first time he didn’t answer his phone?

It was traumatic for everyone.
His brother
His girlfriend
Their mother and step father who were there because they cared about him and didn’t want him to hurt himself or do something stupid.
And there I am
I’ve had too many people I know and care about take their own lives.
Too many brothers who are now just.... sons.

And to walk into that, his mother asking me... pleading.... wanting to know what happens before I unlocked that door. With those “you’ve seen this before right? We’re worrying over nothing, right? My baby is going to be ok, right?!”
I could FEEL when she knew
When she heard her other son
How his voice sounded
It was palpable. You could feel the break

Then she screamed. Her husband and son had to hold her back while we all frantically scrambled for our phones to dial 911
Asking if anyone knew CPR
I don’t know it.... I should.
I’ve forgotten because I learned it a very long time ago, and never really got to practice it or anything
And I think it’s different now from when I remember it

And with this damn virus, it’s not safe for most things to be done the old fashioned way.

All I could do was stand there, trembling and apologizing because I couldn’t do anything else.
Other than open the door to let this family discover something nobody should ever have to see or experience.