Well, its been quite a while since my last really depressing update on here.

First off, all totaled, my debts were about 130k between business and personal. That is now TAKEN CARE OF. It's been REALLY hard work, but all caught up again. Oni and I were basically running the business during the day, and then doing the work stuff at night together. We still are, but there are plans for that.

Ive gotten into commercial real estate as a broker! I even have listings and everything now, and I've become kind of known in my state for doing green zone properties, which is basically legal marijuana. Things are really looking up over there!

Oni is getting into paralegal stuff maybe. She even has a proposed internship from a super good immigration lawyer already too!

I've been keeping my weight down, I've put on a little muscle, and I'm in a way better place mentally. Still a bit to go until I feel like Im back to a baseline, but Im super proud of getting myself out of the hole I was in. One Hundred and Thirty Thousand dollars wiped clean, in a better mental state, and things are just climbing more and more.


I figured I should make this followup, because there aren't many people who will talk publicly about getting 100% suicidal, and coming back from it. I've also got zero shame about it, so if anyone EVER needs someone to talk to if they are feeling that way, let me know! I'll be super happy to help out

I've wanted to make this journal for a while, and its finally time I actually did it. It might be meandering and senseless, but I'll try to get through it all in a succinct manner.

Basically, I turned suicidal over the course of a year or more, and in November/December of 2017, I had decided to act on it.

For a long time before coming to this point, I had literally given up. My family had mostly disowned me, and I felt it was not really my fault. That's another story entirely, but it is still a good reason leading up to things.

In the process of giving up on things, I had entirely stopped paying attention to my business. It was STILL a successful business, but I was simply not paying attention to it. I had let it run a debt of well over one hundred thousand dollars. That was a huge stress on me.

While that was piling up, I had also neglected my personal life. I let myself gain weight until I was up to 235 pounds. I lost sense of myself, and did nothing but sit around everyday.

I also started to drink far too much. Full stop. I basically gave myself over to drinking myself to sleep each night because it was the only way to plough through the anxiety of the hole I had let myself get into.

While all this was going on, I was sabotaging my own friendships. There have been multiple times over the past few years where I would feel close to someone, and then they would suddenly stop talking with me. I would always wonder what had happened, but eventually settled on 'I messed this up somehow'.


All of those things together left me feeling like my best option was to ride this out until I could not handle it anymore, and simply at that point, kill myself. That came to a head at the end of 2017, and I had planned on doing just that. I built myself an exit bag, and was entirely ready to just -leave-.

There are only two things that stopped me from doing this. I had been talking to someone that I don't want to name about his thoughts on the matter, and when things got bad enough, he made me promise to talk to my wife about it.

The second thing is my wife telling my dad about what was going on, and forcing me to talk to him about things that had been going on.

Between those people, they were able to talk to me, and basically make me realize that everything I had been going through had a way to FIX things. I was in debt - no problem. The business was going well, I had just ignored it. Get that in order, the debt can go away. After that was taken care of, I could start to see that my other issues were not as bad.

I had felt like I had nothing left. I had squandered everything I had into the ground and farther, I was close to losing everything, and people I thought were friends - I thought they were leaving me or ignoring me entirely. I did not understand why some of these things were happening, and I was ignoring the things I could control.

Im writing this to tell anyone that is feeling the same - there is a good way out of it. ASK FOR HELP. I would have literally killed myself if it was not for just a couple individuals forcing their help on me. Without them, I would actually be dead right now.

There is no shame in admitting this, and there is no shame in asking for help. Since I've gotten past the initial hurt, things have gotten far better. I'm moving forward with my commercial real estate, my business is doing well, and I'm managing a few rentals still! I feel far, far happier, and more in control of things now.

I completely understand that I've tossed a few people aside, and basically forced other people out of my life. Some people just didn't want to be around me through the whole ordeal, and others just didn't want to deal with how horrible things were going. I understand all of that, and I don't disparage anyone anything. I just want to make this to tell people who might be feeling the same that it can get better. I understand how you're feeling, and you will get better. I did.

BLFC was amazing! I shared a room with Onisyra and Renix, and asides from the LACK OF SLEEP, it was a super good time. We had food and drinks in the room, tv, and some nice beds.

The flight out wasnt so bad, I just slept the whole time. After landing, first thing that I noticed was how DRY it was.. I spent the whole weekend with chapped lips and feeling thirsty. =( After getting settled in, of course Oni and I went gambling. Over the first two days, I think I won $100! Actually, I know I did, cause I was counting. RENIX, though, won like 200 on roulette his first day or so. He is always too lucky.

For the con itself, we didnt go! =D Oni and I spent our whole time gambling and eating food and drinking, along with some Reno things. We might have snuck into the con space once or twice through back doors, but we didnt sign up for any con badge. On one of the nights, we found an AWESOME pub crawl going on. It ended up being a sci fi cosplay pub crawl too! While we were out there, we also found out that a motorcycle thing was going on. So there were jedi, sith, all kind of sci fi things, AND motorcycle gangs. We ended up in a bar making friends with one of the guys, who sheepishly showed us a picture of the light saber battle, saying he didnt want his friends to know he went to it. How adorable for a guy with a leather jacket and white beard!

I ended up meeting Tojo and her husband Saber, who were super awesome people! I guess they were just following around Keden and Azusis or something, pfft. We also met Zarathus and Monaka, and at one point, an Ahk! I think I saw a Tohoma(new name, might be spelled wrong!), along with an Amiren there. Also some local people that I dont know the name of their FA! Its always amazing to find people you had NO intention of meeting though. Like a little secret surprise. =D


This con did give me some things to think about though. Well, not a lot, but I guess important? I'm not a part of this community anymore. I don't seem to get the same things out of being a part of it that everyone else does. I don't understand how certain parts of it work, or how the people in it function. I feel REALLY uncomfortable when a guy starts meowing at me on the elevator. I don't understand how relationships are supposed to work in it, either. I usually take things at face value, but Im not sure if thats how it works here anymore. I don't know the right way to say it without singling anyone out, or offending anyone.

Suffice to say, I think Im coming to a close on my whole furry thing. I'll still be around, and I'll still love the art. Hell, I might even show up to a con here and there, sans badge, and just ghost around the edges, but I dont think many of you will be hearing from me again.


It's been a long strange trip, for the better part of my life, and some of you have been the best part of it. Here's to the next chapter!

So long, and thanks for all the art!

EDIT: Oh, and after I got back, I instantly got hired at a commercial real estate brokerage, so I guess this is an entirely new chapter for me in all things.

So, I'll be heading to BLFC with my wife,  onisyra!

Right now, our plans are mostly to take it easy. We were going to be hanging out at the pool a lot, but since that is closed down, I have no idea now. Maybe a lot of walking around the town and taking in some of the local fun things to do? We'll see! I know that we'll for sure be taking nightly walks, hitting up some gambling, and going out to eat a few times.

I have a few people Im looking forward to seeing, but who else will be there? Let me know if you'll be around at all, maybe we can get a coffee at some point, or just hang out while eating some pizza!

I uploaded THREE things now this week. What is the world coming to!

I suppose I'll work on some big update journal since I've had nothing good here for over a year now. I'll say lots!

It's been a little while since I made a journal. I'll still keep this one short and to the point.

On the 29th, Onisyra's father passed away in the afternoon. She is helping her family with funeral arrangements, emotional support, and working everything out. She will be gone for a couple weeks.

This is to let people know a bit what's going on. I'll be heading out there myself, and won't be around much either.

I'm trying this. I'll answer them when I get around to it! Probably tonight or tomorrow.

Comment here, and...

I will:

1. Tell you what animal/creature you remind me of.
2. Tell you what color I think fits you.
3. Tell you how I feel about you.
4. Insult you.
5. Tell you my favorite OC of yours. (If you have one...)
6. Tell you what season you remind me of.
7. Tell you what food you smell like in my head.
8. Think of a random nickname for you.

Livestream sucks. =(

I'm stealing this from Onisyra, who stole it from someone else, then modified it! I like her version, so I'm using it.


What should I call you?
Bakel works just fine. I prefer it at cons! It sticks out, and I can hear it easily. I'll answer to pretty much any version of 'HEY YOU', though. Just don't be one of those people who forgets names, then NEVER asks. No shame in just asking people what they want to be called in person!

Age?
Moving steadily towards 30. Not there yet! Having a birthday just after the convention though.

What do you look like?
A somewhat tall guy with a bad haircut. Just look for the badge I'll be wearing. Every single one of them says 'Bakel' on it, so.. stare at my waist, where I keep my badges.

Where/how can I find you?
Bumming around with  Onisyra,  Madame,  Renix. Maybe more as the convention goes on!

Are you smoking?
Nope! I don't smoke. I DO use my vape though, and will be bringing a few flavors with me. If you're curious about it, ask! I might let you try it if I'm in a good mood. I'll also answer any questions you have about it! At least two other people that I hang out with vape, too. =>

How are you getting there?
Driving in from Michigan with a carload of people. Every year, this amount grows. It's my entourage.

What hotel are you staying at?
The Omni.

Which days will you be attending?
The whole time. Feel free to get together with me for plans!

Do you do requests?
I don't do the art.

Who will you be with?
Madame, Renix, Onisyra! Those will probably be the main three that you'll see me with. I'd say Kitsunia, but she is working a table, so won't be around as much, even if she is rooming with Onisyra, Madame, and I!

Any specific plans for the con?
Have fun! I'm REALLY looking forward to going to all the nice places to eat. I might even break my usual mold with cons and go to some panels this time. I like seeing all the nicely made fursuits around too. Following in Oni's footsteps, I'll say.. maybe I'll find some -super lucky- guy or girl to show a good time one night(or three!) ;D

Can I talk to you?
Of course! I'll make it obvious if I want out of the talking.

Can I take pictures with you?
I generally don't like photos. =(

Can I touch/hug/cuddle you?
Do I know you? Am I in a good mood? I was never much of a hugger, more of a hand shaker, but everyone at these things seems to want to hug. As long as you keep in good hygiene, I could manage a hug. If you have the smellz, no thanks!

Can I hang out with you?
Yup! Just don't invite yourself along to anything I have planned. I'll ask you if you'd like to come, or you can ask me if you'd like me to come along with you!

Can we go out to eat?
YES PLEASE. Eating is always good. I can be bribed to do anything with a good meal. I'm going to make it a point to avoid large groups though. It's a hassle to get everyone to the same place, it's a hassle to get them all seated together, and it's a hassle to try to talk to more then the people right around you anyway. No more 8+ groups for me going out!

Do you go to parties?
I invite people to my room to drink, eat pizza, hang out, and generally have a good time! No dancing or anything though. Just good old fashioned sex parti.. room parties, for me. >>

What is the best way to reach you?
Twitter, or just text me. Calling is a bit strange, but I usually pick up.


ALSO: We are bringing fancy delicious treats that you will love and beg for after having one. It's a secret what they are. Madame and Renix will be helping to make them, and we will have a variety! 8D You'll want to get one or two before they are gone by the second hour of the convention. I'm sure that Madame will have some in her artist alley table though. As bribes for commissioning her.






As for the other part of the journal, just wanted to say that everything else is going kinda smoothly! Picking up jobs here and there, growing the business, all of that stuff. The things that are going on with my family aren't as bad anymore either, it's kind of on the backburner for now, which is so nice. Oni and I have been helping out at an art co-op lately too, which gets us up and out of the house pretty often lately!

All in all, life is going MUCH better then last year! =D

I haven't done one of these in a while, so go ahead! Ask anything, and I'll answer as best as I can. Nothing is off limits today!

We got our room at the Omni! Plenty of room in that hotel. It's great to stay in. We get there on the third and leave on the sixth.

See you all there!

So.. where to start. About 8 months ago, my parents started going through a divorce. Its something that a lot of people have to deal with, and a lot of the time, the kids will get stuck in the middle, with the parents trying to get them to choose sides.

I didn't have that happen. The divorce went kind of smoothly on the 'choosing sides' issue, at first. I gave my mom a job since she said she wouldnt be able to afford things, and I was paying her to rent out the barn on her property for my business, as a storage unit. I fixed it all up, made it really nice! To the tune of around 10k and labor, give or take a couple thousand dollars. I also was paying for her insurances, and her cell phones at this point.

My dad offered her half of their combined money in the divorce, along with her choice of the house they were living in, or all the rental properties. The house they were living in was worth more by ~80k, so thats a pretty fair deal, I'd say! she decided it wasn't a good deal, and instead went to court over it, saying how she needed more. It's also good to point out that half their savings would be 100k for each of them.

During this process, she also decided that she was due my company, as part of her marital assets or something. She tried to sue me for it, while I was on vacation with Azusis and Keden, and later Madame. I got calls from her about how I was betraying her by not coming into court and giving her the company, and how I took it illegally, and all that stuff. She never once asked me anything about it. I bought the company years before the divorce ever came up, but she accused me of working with my dad just to keep her out of it. I told her that while I love her, and would always be her son, I had to stay out of her fight with my dad, and because she tried to sue me, I couldn't very well speak to her about the company until it was done.

She didnt like that, and became increasingly angry and accusatory at me over time. After the divorce papers were all signed, she made off with about 80% of the assets. Half the savings, her house, and a rental property on top of it, along with most all of their possessions. Since my business was no longer in jeopardy, I called her to tell her I'd help getting her on cheaper insurance, new phones, and help her rent out the house for income. She told me that I was a horrible son and she didn't want to talk to me anymore.

To make a very long story about everything she's done shorter.. it culminated a month ago when I went over to her house to get some things from the barn I rent, and it was locked. She started telling me how I had no right to be in there, and she would cancel the lease if I tried to access it. After a day or so, she gave my manager a key for half of it, but maintained that I was wrong for wanting to use the whole thing, and that I should be just glad to use part of the barn I renovated.

To make another long story short, Im now suing her for access to the barn again, and once again getting texts and emails about how horrible of a person I am from her. Both of my sisters, who never asked me what was going on, just listen to her and don't like me. One refuses to even talk to me anymore. It's all a really horrible situation.

Since this happened, Oni's dad has developed brain cancer.. thankfully, it is going well, and he is taking to the treatment like a total champ. Super strong guy to be going like he is. My mom and sisters know nothing about this though, because they have either decided we aren't worth it, or just don't care enough to be a family -at all-. That part really hurts, because I had hoped that some things were more important then squabbling, but it doesn't seem so.

Throughout this whole thing, my mom has gotten more and more angry, disjointed, and aggressive with everything.


And that, asides from struggling in business right now, is where my stress and anxiety is coming from. It's been ongoing for over half a year, and it truly has drained me of all motivation. I hadn't had an update in a while though, and wanted to just let anyone who wants to know a short version of things out here.

Amandababe95xoxo



If you get a request from this, hopefully you're smart enough to know its a spam skype account wanting to give you some file. It sends you a note, saying how they've been working on a project for fifteen years, and want to talk to you about it!

The skype profile lists them as 18, so wow. A three year old prodigy, working on their masterpiece ever since.

I had this fun conversation!


heyyy whats up? watcha upto yu ggot any pics of your self? im uploading pics right now, sendin them in legit like 2 secs
[11:19:22 AM] Bakel: Hahaha, a spam account going through FA? What the fuck
[11:19:30 AM] Bakel: You type like a retard
[11:21:47 AM] Bakel: SO TELL ME ABOUT THIS PROJECT YOU ARE WORKING ON FOR FIFTEEN YEARS
[11:22:21 AM] *** Amanda Lines sent iphone-cloud-pic-349393049322.com ***

That was a 1mb file, SO SUSPECT!


Just a PSA, if you werent clever enough to figure this one out, http://www.furaffinity.net/user/amandababes95xoxo/ is a spam account here on FA.

I didnt know about him till just now, but his art is pretty cool! Check it out here http://www.furaffinity.net/view/11796260/


Good luck if you enter! =o

Im going to stream some Amnesia again! Come and listen to me HRRNGG and AAAAH for a while, all while giving a full stream of consciousness of my feeble mind.

http://www.livestream.com/bakelgaming

Starting in ten ish minutes!

I bought Amnesia: a Machine for Pigs.. and Im probably going to work up the courage to play it soon.

should I stream my little girl noises as I do?

We're heading down to dragoncon tomorrow. We'll be wandering around, but you can also find us at Kitsunia's table once in a while, helping out with what we can. It'll be our first big con after gencon, and Im looking forward to it so much!

I hope to see some of you there =D

We are at gencon! If anyone else is here, let us know! We will be wandering!

Sometimes, late at night, I sit up and I fantasize about being famous on FA, so I could go 'OH NO! A BIG BILL/MEDICAL/EMERGENCY!' and have people give me money for nothing, too.

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4367914/

Check this out for the raffle and rules!

They are hard and I want to eat everything. D=

http://www.livestream.com/neoxs_lounge

Co-op, until we get tired!

1) What time are you arriving?
Thursday ~2PM for the hotel

2) Who are you rooming with?
Room of Awesome - , ,

3) Where are you staying?
Somewhere in the Hilton.

4) What specific plans do you have?
See the awesome flea market! Hang out with my roommates. Eat a lot of food. Maybe find a casino!

5) Do you go to room parties?
Often enough, its our room that has the pizza and booze anyway.

6) Do you drink?
Yes. I can be tempted away with most any drinks.

7) Are you approachable?
Not so much. Don't try to hug me. Just go for a handshake.

8) Will you do something in my sketchbook (paid/request/etc)
SURE. Crappy lines.

9) Can I tag along to your social gatherings/parties/food goings?
Not unless you're invited no. You'll know if you're invited, you'll hear 'Hey, want to come?'. Otherwise, just don't assume you can come to things. It'll make it awkward.

10) Where can I find you?
My room! Or through twitter or texting. Send me a note if you really want my number for this thing.

11) When do you leave?
Monday morning.




See you all there!

 kitsunia is selling her intuos 4 for pretty cheap! ~50% retail price, if I remember correctly.

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4125396/ You could learn more about it over here!

With FC coming in a few months, and the holidays in a few weeks, I thought Id try to see what everyones' plans are!

Im heading to FC, obviously. I dont think I'll be doing a meme for that, since anyone that wants to find me already has either my number, or is rooming with me!

for the holidays, Im not going anywhere. Might even get out of cooking this year! I dont want to make another ham so soon. =( I'll get someone else to do it! And then enjoy leftovers. Im kind of wondering what all everyone wants for their holidays. What gifts are you hoping to get? What people are you hoping to see?

Im staying busy with the end of year things coming up. Have to close out all the books on every single customer and account, and get ACT set up for the coming year! I really need to hit the ground running with sales this year, the last one was a horrible time with sales. It will be time to fix it, gain back what was lost, and grow! I might even hire a salesperson or two. 8D