I made a new friend the other day.

She is such a great listener.

We talk - I talk - for hours, about everything and nothing at all, and she never says a word. Never tries to tell me I’m prattling on, or boring her, and never informs me that I should “get help” like some of the others do.

She’s quiet, clean, meticulous… I don’t charge her anything for rent. She keeps to herself most of the time and has never taken anything of mine. Hasn’t even asked. Not once. She even has a cute hourglass shaped birthmark. I saw it by mistake and she wasn’t ever weird about it.

In pretty much every sense, she’s the perfect roommate.

Don’t get me wrong; there are days I wonder why I let this freeloader stay with me. Most of the time, though, I wonder how I ever lived without. I find her presence comforting, even if she hasn’t really got a single thing to say to me. I doubt we share many (if any) interests. I suppose that’s one flaw in this relationship.

We all have our flaws, of course… Honestly, though, she’s really only got a couple, apart from her unresponsive demeanor. She almost certainly watches me shower, for example. I also know for a fact that she’d be perfectly capable of killing me if she felt like it, which is impressive when I consider that she’s only about the size of a flaxseed.

She built her miniscule web in the dusty corner between the edge of the doorframe and the wall. I think she’s just trying to stay out of my way.

I appreciate that.

I tell her so.

red wine maple
falling leaves
stirring in
the Autumn breeze
gripping chill
holding tight
dragging daylight
into night
days are short
sunlight grieves
yearns to touch
the fallen leaves.

excuse me while I mash the replay button on this thing for the next 4 million years (approximately).

it's ssssooooooo gooooooooood, everything I'd hoped for and more.

So far my favorite tracks are:

Copy Of A
All Time Low
Various Methods Of Escape
I Would For You
Find My Way (Oneohtrix Point Never Remix) ((this one's a bonus track on the deluxe edition))

this list is totally subject to change and I'm sure I'll love the entire album eventually

time to crawl into a small dark space and hibernate until march

I've been invited to enter 2 pieces of my artwork at a gallery/artist's residency in Vancouver as part of Swarm 2013! I will also be performing live, original music with a good friend of mine at the very same venue. 2 arts in one!

Speaking of live music, a couple months ago, myself and this same friend played one of our songs at a local cafe for the first time. The following week, the owner of the cafe contacted said friend inviting us both to do a 30 minute feature.

Well, at long last, we finally have 30 minutes of material (including one cover) and will be scheduling that sometime in the next couple weeks! I will likely be able to have someone film it for me, so if you're interested in seeing this performance once it happens, do let me know and I will do my best to make that happen.

As I recently mentioned in another journal, I am fixing to get my hands on my very own ukulele in the next few days, if all goes according to plan! I don't know how to play the ukulele at all, but it'll be fun to teach myself. I think I can safely play it in my current condition because my carpal tunnel'd hand is the one I'd use for strumming, not pressing frets.

I think that's all!

I'm drunk and in a damn wrist brace so bear with me if there's typos.

My wrist started bugging me something fierce about a week ago so I went to the doctor and apparently I have severe carpal tunnel in my right wrist??

SO basically I'm in a friggin' brace for the next 4 months (read: until the end of DECEMBER) and even after that BS I still might need surgery.

I really feel like drawing right now. I'm prob gonna lose my patience with this damn thing and take it off to draw periodically, because seriously? I'm an impatient person.

Other than being temporarily useless, I'm buying a ukulele this weekend and am also going to be applying for work because money is stupid and I need it. :v

That's basically it I guess.

I'm not feeling like myself lately.

I know I say that a lot, but this is... Different.

My short term memory and capacity for learning/retaining anything or holding a conversation have been absolutely terrible to the point that it feels like I'm recovering from a bad head injury.

I seriously can't tell if it's being caused by depression, or if I'm depressed because of it. Either way, this fucking sucks. Even typing this journal is taking me way too long because I can't figure out how to word anything.

I'm very tired all the time. My mind feels burnt out before I even start my day. It's the same feeling I used to get when I'd spend hours studying to the point that I just couldn't study anymore. At least back then, it was from productivity. Now it's just frustrating.

I've spent most of my time in the last week just scrolling through webpages but my mind doesn't register anything my eyes are seeing. Essentially, I've just been spacing out for hours at a time with my finger on the down arrow key.

My birthday party starts on Friday and I am just so entirely unenthusiastic about it that it worries me a little.

I'm so dumbed down. This isn't living.

I just feel like sleeping.

I really need one of my friends/family members to acquire a stubborn, crazy puppy, because the sheer intensity of my desire to train a headstrong little brat like that is all-consuming and I’m not sure I’ll survive otherwise.

I remember when Motyka was a puppy, he drove me half (perhaps even three quarters) insane with his antics. I never thought I’d be missing those days quite like I do right now.

I think it is safe to say that I have puppy fever.

Oh no.

I've been feeling really run down and uncreative lately - something that I am sure other people, including my closest friends, are able to relate to on some level.

After an involved discussion about my feelings with one of my good friends earlier today, as well as several notebook pages' worth of soliloquy, I had a little "lightbulb moment" during which I realized I could very likely benefit from some form of art therapy.

All it took was a little googling before I stumbled upon this wonderful resource: a webpage with links to 100 different art therapy exercises, all of which sound engaging, inspiring and fun!

I am challenging myself to do each and every one of them (though it will take me a while!) and I strongly encourage any of you feeling "stuck" to do the same!

Enjoy, friends, and may happiness find you.

http://www.nursingschools.net/blog/2011/01/100-excellent-art-therapy-exercises-for-your-mind-body-and-soul/

"The systematic training of the mind -- the cultivation of happiness, the genuine inner transformation by deliberately selecting and focusing on positive mental states and challenging negative mental states -- is possible because of the very structure and function of the brain. We are born with brains that are genetically hardwired with certain instinctual behavior patterns; we are predisposed mentally, emotionally, and physically to respond to our environment in ways that enable us to survive. These basic sets of instructions are encoded in countless innate nerve cell activation patterns, specific combinations of brain cells that fire in response to any given event, experience, or thought. But the wiring in our brains is not static, not irrevocably fixed. Our brains are also adaptable. Neuroscientists have documented the fact that the brain can design new patterns, new combinations of nerve cells and neurotransmitters (chemicals that transmit messages between nerve cells) in response to new input. In fact, our brains are malleable, ever changing, reconfiguring their wiring according to new thoughts and experiences. And as a result of learning, the function of individual neurons themselves change, allowing electrical signals to travel along them more readily. Scientists call the brain's inherent capacity to change "plasticity".

This ability to change the brain's wiring, to grow new neural connections, has been demonstrated in experiments such as one conducted by Doctors Avi Karni and Leslie Underleider at the National Institutes of Mental Health. In that experiment, the researchers had subjects perform a simple motor task, a finger-tapping exercise, and identified the parts of the brain involved in the task by taking a MRI brain scan. The subjects then practiced the finger exercise daily for four weeks, gradually becoming more efficient and quicker at it. At the end of the four-week period, the brain scan was repeated and showed that the area of the brain involved in the task had expanded; this indicated that the regular practice and repetition of the task had recruited new nerve cells and changed the neural connections that had originally been involved in the task.

This remarkable feature of the brain appears to be the physiological basis for the possibility of transforming our minds. By mobilizing our thoughts and practicing new ways of thinking, we can reshape our nerve cells and change the way our brains work. It is also the basis for the idea that inner transformation begins with learning (new input) and involves the discipline of gradually replacing our "negative conditioning" (corresponding with our present nerve cell activation patterns) with "positive conditioning" (forming new neural circuits).

Thus, the idea of training the mind for happiness becomes a very real possibility."




- The Art of Happiness, His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler, M.D.

taking a break from the internet for a week or two

daily panic attacks for the first time in years and generally feeling like mold

if anyone (my babby kitt'n) needs me for anything at all, please tell me via tumblr ask ok, I will check it every day and chat you up on AIM if you are lonely and need to talk to someone, just let me know! <3

(PSA: if you don't already know my tumblr URL, you don't need to contact me, let's be srs)

betrayal hurts so much

Why do these two sons of bitches tend to go hand-in-hand?

I feel like the only times I've ever broken vegan since committing to the lifestyle have been when I'm stressed out. I'm usually beyond perfectly satiated with the foods I eat, and I even feel better than I did before going vegan in many ways, but somehow non-veg cravings take me by storm when my emotions are doing crazy things.

Part of me almost wonders if I was subconsciously choosing these foods in the past in times of stress/anxiety so that now they're my instinctual go-to?

Either way, I'm pissed off that I lost control over my craving tonight and let it take me over. I feel like a drug addict who has just relapsed. That same guilt.

Someone slap me.

I've started letting my hopes and dreams get the better of me again. As I get older, I'm starting to realize that following one's dreams is not as easy as it is made out to be. Not for the lower middle class, anyway.

Dog training school has been my absolute dream of dreams for as long as I can remember. Tom Rose School in particular, because it is the best school of it's kind in the world.

Here's the breakdown of the certification programs I am hoping to take at some point, in order:

Professional Dog Trainer Program:
(Students must start here.) 16 weeks, $11,995 tuition.

Master Dog Trainer Program:
12 weeks, $5,990 tuition.

Guide And/Or Assistance Dog Trainer Program:
20 weeks, $6,990 tuition.

Advanced Master Dog Trainer Program:
(You must be hand-picked to attend this program.) 50 weeks, $3,990 tuition.

So, in tuition fees alone, provided I am hand-picked to complete Advanced Master, I'm looking at $28,965 altogether. Add living expenses to that and I'd roughly estimate I'm looking at something like $60,000 total.

On one hand, that is so much money I could vomit right here and now. On the other, that figure represents my biggest dream in life fulfilled. To be selected to attend and to graduate from the Advanced Master program basically means you have been deemed one of the best dog trainers in the world.

I can't think of anything I could possibly ever be more proud of myself for accomplishing, which I truly, deep down, believe I could. The only thing standing between me and my dream is the money.

I guess I should stop panicking and just start saving. If anybody has any no nonsense advice for me, please, give it to me straight.

 little-jackal-photography

Go there! Lots of pictures of my wolfdog!

First for the happy bit:

I'm home!

My trip to Galiano was really awesome. I did all the things I set out to do on this trip, including collecting 24 small, flat beach stones to make a set of elder futhark runes. I'm excited to paint and seal them!

I'd also been really wanting a deer antler lately, but hoped to somehow find a shed one as opposed to buying one, that way I could be sure it was a natural shed and not the product of a hunt. Lo and behold, I found one on the last day of the trip and was extremely happy about it! It's totally green and grungy, and one of the points is a little bit mouse-nibbled; in other words, it's perfect.

As promised, the photos from the trip will be uploaded to my photography account within the next couple of days.

Now, onto the sad news:

On Tuesday night, my brother's beloved dog Katana was struck and killed by a speeding truck, right outside his house. His whole family is in a state of complete shock, and his wife is devastated.

I feel weird about being the last person to take high quality photos of her, over Easter weekend... That's probably silly, but in a way I'm honored to have been that person. These photos are so much more precious and important now.

I hope this loss is the last of it's kind. My brother has not been having very good luck with dogs over the past few years. :c

Heading off to Galiano island until the 17th to go camping with a friend!

I leave in just over 4 hours. I'm getting a ride into town with my dad on his way to work, then taking 3 buses from there to the ferry. Overall, I'm looking at about 5 hours of travel, maybe a little less.

Doing all of this on absolutely no sleep is going to be an interesting venture to say the least. I am looking forward to it, though. I have always loved taking the ferry.

I have my camera packed and ready to go, so expect to see plenty of photos uploaded to my photography account upon my return!

I have never been to Galiano before but I did used to live on one of the other gulf islands, so I know (essentially) what I can expect to find as far as nature and beaches are concerned. There is definitely an element of mystery to this place, however, and I am excited to see what I might discover!

I hope everyone enjoys the next few days as much as I hope to!

See you on the flip!

my thoughts are yelling at me

the emotional tidal wave I have been fighting so hard to hold back for the past year and a bit is finally starting to drown me from the inside.

I am so selfish and jealous and awkward.

I'm terrified of myself and of the implications of my feelings because I think they’re not reciprocated and maybe they could be, (but probably not) and I’m sitting here sniffling and I am just such a mess

I try to be everything I can possibly be for everyone all the time and I always end up coming up short, no matter how hard I push, no matter how much I bleed and cry and CARE for people.

I can't believe how much of a coward I am, I should have said something while I had the chance.

But of course, I fucking blew it.

:) that's what's up.

Heading to Vancouver Island for Easter weekend to visit family. Probably won’t be online much (if at all) until Monday.

See y'all when I return, perhaps with some new art. o:

so little energy.

guess I'll haul ass and at least do some laundry. meh.

I can't believe this bullshit.

I got 4 and a half hours of sleep last night, hauled ass all day long feeling absolutely exhausted.

Now tonight it's the same fucking shit. No sleep. Can't. Not even if I lay with my eyes closed in pitch blackness for hours.

If sleep deprivation won't make me tired, I don't have a fucking clue what will. My mind is in overdrive and I can't focus on anything other than the intense desire I have to hurt myself.

Am I manic again? Is that aspect of my being coming back to finish me off, like it almost managed to last time?

I'm losing it.

Rain pelts the windows; a dull, repetitive sound that I no longer even notice.

There is a resonating pain that has made itself comfortable inside of my chest, almost as if my heart truly aches for you. Some nights I can't help but believe that it does, despite past miscommunications and misunderstandings. Of course, I never forgot you. You were, and still are, far too important to me; to forget you would be to betray myself.

The heater clicks and groans - this room is cold. I yearn for a human presence to share it with, but more specifically, your human presence. Too many nights I have spent alone with nothing but my thoughts and fears, defenseless and without salvation. Sometimes I come to accept the fact that I have earned this fate; mistreating the people in my life and being foolishly self absorbed when I was younger must surely have landed me here.

I wonder if you believe me when I say I've changed...?

I suppose if I were to tell you any single thing, it would be that I miss you; chronically, miserably and consistently. I feel as though we could pick up just where we left off and set things right again, despite the years that have flown past us between then and now.

My only worry is that you have forgotten me. I wonder if that joy you instilled in me only existed on my end of things. Perhaps I never made you feel the same way, or perhaps if I did, it was every bit as redundant and forgettable as the sound of the rain pelting the windows.

I don't feel particularly unstable, sad or depressed lately.

In fact, I'm actually starting to feel half functional, which I'm really not used to. I know that I should be happy about it, and I am, but I feel like that's only the first of many steps I need to take before I start to feel satisfied with the direction my life is taking.

Functionality is welcome and necessary, but the fact remains that I am cripplingly lonely. I don't want to say that I could never be truly complete without a partner, but sometimes I feel like it's true. I love my friends and they mean the world to me; most days I would give anything to spend time with my closest pals. That void has been filled and I can't complain that I don't have friends, because I do. They're fantastic people who enrich my life in ways that nobody else can.

That said, there is something about romantic relationships that sets them apart from even the closest of friendships. I find myself sorely missing that piece of the puzzle. I can't pinpoint why, seeing as that aspect of my life has never really brought me much of anything other than pain and heartbreak in the end, but I suppose even the most sensitive of us have masochistic tendencies in some way or another.

I sleep better knowing someone cares about me, that someone cares for me. I guess it's a selfish venture but it's all I can think about some nights.