Since I won't manage to answer all the messages now anyway, I'm just going to apologize for my inactivity again (though I guess there aren't really a lot of people on here that watch me but oh well). Depression got me bad (again, or still), so...I dunno,it's hard to write right now. Maybe there will be a longer vent incoming in the vain attempt to get things off my chest, but it will be the usual stuff. Feeling shitty, and depressed, and self-loathing, and cold, and lonely, and I don't know how to change it. And longing for something I will never have (love, the romantic one, you name it). Oh well. Better face it that I will live alone, and die alone (melodramatic much, I know, but I can't say I care right now...).

At least the meds haven't been giving me any migraines this time. And school break will be there soon...Which hopefully means I will finally be able to do some of these overdue commissions...right now I think I might just as well cancel everything and refund everyone...Not sure with what money (if you remember, I had to spend the money for my dog's visit at the vet's) but maybe it' better that way.... But...I will try to get the stuff done first. If I don't manage...I will see where I'll get the money from to refund people.

Back to the topic...school break...yay...Still...It doesn't really change the fact that I'm pretty tired of everything right now...tired of being me, and tired of this life. I try so hard to change something. I try to get every formalities and every visit at the doctor's done so I can finally start with taking hormones, I try to meet my best -and only? - real life friend Alex every now and then, I visit my sister and my little sunshine, my nephew... But... At the end of the day...I feel that nothing will ever truly change. I keep saying this but...all this honestly just feels like...playing pretend of some sort...

If I'm silent, no, don't worry, I won't have done anything to myself. I got these thoughts again, more than I'd like to admit, but...Don't worry, I won't do anything. I just...need a break from everything.

Yeaahh, so, I'm taking my current semi-new (for me, not as on the market-new) antidepressants now. Those that knocked me out with a two day's worth of heavy migraines the last time. But I gotta try again eventually, and if it doesn't work, guess I need another dosis or other meds AGAIN. Wish me luck.

I kinda fainted (?) in school today. All of sudden.
I was practising with my group in theater class, made a step forward and suddenly, it all went very blurry/black for a moment and then I saw the ground rushing towards me (and no, I didn't stumble).

I had no control over my limbs so I couldn't stop my fall and fell right on my face. xD (Mostly on my chin and kinda on my forehead to be exact), I jumped (or well, struggled) to my feet right after and kinda laughed, because I was confused about what just happened, and because I thought it probably looked very funny to the others (and I'm quite pain-resistant.

When I told my worried Mom what happened and that my first reaction was to laugh, she said I'd probably still laugh if I'd accidentally impaled my hand with a knive or something. Which is true, I think, that's basically me. x'D

The others looked kinda amused and worried, the teacher said nothing though (she probably didn't know/realize what exactly just happened, she just saw that I suddenly fell, and that's okay, because at first I was so disoriented that I didn't exactly understand what happened, either).

Then we went on praticising, and I made it through because, damn, we need that practise. Not gonna be a whimp and let them down because I kinda fainted.
But I kept being kinda disoriented, and it's rather hard to write now, I dunno. Also, everything is kinda...spinning slowly, especially when I stand and it's a bit exhausting to look and move.

So I'm gonna lay down for a bit, before I start learning Chinese. We have a test tomorrow, and I really need to study for it. orz