"Why won't I die...?!" - Great Uncle Tyrone, The Simpsons

She would've been 88 years old today...

I love her and miss her so much.

79 hours after being taken off life support, my Nan has passed away.

I hope to inherit an ounce of her stubborn willpower.

I'll need some in these coming days...

She doesn't have long now... a few hours, a day at most... :'|

One of the last people that truly matter to me will be gone soon... :'|

Well that was a scary 60-ish hours... maybe I shouldn't have tempted fate with that "how long tho?" rhetorical question.

Guess this gives me a reason to dust off my Itaku, start making a backup gallery. If I can figure out the interface, first.

Follow me here, encouraging me to use it...
v v v
https://itaku.ee/profile/randomist9363
https://itaku.ee/profile/randomist9363
https://itaku.ee/profile/randomist9363

my Bluesky:

https://bsky.app/profile/randomist9363.bsky.social
https://bsky.app/profile/randomist9363.bsky.social
https://bsky.app/profile/randomist9363.bsky.social

I'd also soft-boost my Twitter/X/Elon's dumpster fire account, too, but 1) only rando 'artists' of questionable humanity spam-beg my DMs to commission art from them. 2) is abnormally making my social media addiction far worse compared to other apps.

The man who ran this place has passed away.

I didn't know him, or knew much about him, but I'll give my dues to the dead and condolences to his kin and colleagues.

What a post-Dragoneer era of FurAffinity will be like... that's anybody's guess.

For now, it's libations for those no longer here...

😔... 🍺...🫗

In the words of Otis the deep-fry cook from Good Burger (1997), "I should've died years ago"

If anyone needs a code, just ask and recieve... politely. o_o;

who to give it to... ? 🤔

Certainly not the first rude bastard that'll spam my DMs demanding it... ò_ó

Just ask me nicely, and we mutually follow eachother on Bluesky. Fair?

If you have one, follow me here... https://bsky.app/profile/randomist9363.bsky.social

If you're still waiting for an invite, feel free to ask for my handout code(s) in a few weeks time

I have acumulated $650aud in my PayPal wallet, which roughly converts around... $430usd, 390euros, and 330gpb; rounded down to take any last-minute exchange rates into account.

And I'm looking to burn a decent bit of it before July-31 as a late birthday present to myself.

A few ideas I had in mind...

---

Soarich - https://www.furaffinity.net/gallery.....nden-Greyhound

I'm thinking of going halves in a duet pic with somebody else's OC/sona; I'll even go 60/40 if their birthday's also in July.

either that, or just another standard solo pinup, sfw or nsfw doesn't matter to me.

And yes, his legbrace is mandatory, but I always pay a minimum of $10usd for it.

---

Jonaphin - https://www.furaffinity.net/gallery.....Ape-Crossbreed

Jonaphin is pretty much an allegory of my poor mental health, especially since my mum raised me to hate myself to an absurd degree on my birthday. I'd like something that pays homage to Richard Dadd's artwork ( https://www.theguardian.com/artandd.....gallery-review )

---

SCP-2547-1 "Reverend Coyote" - https://www.furaffinity.net/gallery.....ological-Being

Fun fact: there's a meta-fandom inside the SCP-verse designed to contain the Reverend, and one of the means to do it is by artwork as warding effigies.

So if anyone wants to draw a Native American deity with a detachable hyper dick, along with other surreal fantasy elements, hit me up!

---

Ferris - https://www.furaffinity.net/gallery.....-Clarke-Serval

Nearly forgot about this one... anyone interested/skilled in yoga and contortionism poses for this one? His back and neck are pretty much like the bendy parts of a drinking straw

---

NUMBER 5 - ######################################################

COMING SOON.

---

Among The Towers of Babylon

I'll scrap all the above ideas and throw every dollar I have at this scenery/landscape idea I've been holding for a long time. On the strict condition that I know that you're a very skilled and trustworthy artist that can deliver on such an artpiece.

---

I'm also open to any artists looking for work, or any YCHs that'd fit my ideas... just drop your pricesheets and links, and get around to contacting you sooner or later.

Happy birthday to me....

Whatever those words mean anymore.

 RetroCharo is doing a raffle with two potential winners

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/48337787/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/48337787/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/48337787/

May fate favour the winners!

 Jko_2 is doing 14-person NSFW YCH, at either the extremely affordable or criminally cheap price of $25usd per slot.

I'm admittedly biased since I bought a slot (no.11) and would like to see the end results sooner than later... Slots 9 and 10 are still vacant(as of posting this journal), so if you want a chance to share some love with my big, bum-legged greyhound Soarich, now's your chance.

If they've been filled after reading this, but you want to be part of a shower orgy pic without breaking your wallet too hard... now's also your chance

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/48084141/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/48084141/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/48084141/

I am no longer considered a "young man" anymore...

I don't know what else to say...

 MrMapolomi is running a raffle on Easter Monday(April 18th) with sevreal chances at winning some artwork from them... https://www.furaffinity.net/view/46617646/

May fate favour the winners.

I just recieved a late xmas card with a Steam giftcard in it. I don't have an immediate need for it, so I might raffle it off on my Twitter. It has 20$aud or roughly 13$us on it, so it won't be a sweepstakes or anything...

Comment "I'd like to join" or something along those lines here... https://twitter.com/randomist9363/status/1475982336965574657?t=XGOAOrBCh54vnuWjXvGJ3g&s=19

I might announce the winner on New Year's Day for me, or New Year's Eve for most others, since we Aussies apparently live in the future.

Worst case, nobody's interested or notices to join it, and I give it to the first person that gives me the time of day.

Hope you've all had some nice holidays...

People will wishing me a "happy birthday", but I've always treated those two words like some sort of language syntax error. "Happy" and "Birthday" shouldn't be in the same sentence.

Might have something to do with most of my previous birthdays, where my mother force-fed me guilt for existing today, and how it should be dedicated to her instead.

But then again, she did intentionally rupture her water at least 6 weeks before my scheduled birth, tired of being pregnant with me and a severe implication that I was meant to keep my dad around.

I failed my sole purpose for existing, before I was even born. 29 years later, I still lack a clear direction in life.

"Happy birthday" still seems like a flawed phrase for me...

Because making my mum happy is like curing cancer - It's possible, but the odds of it happening this lifetime are nonexistant.

Hopefully, your mother isn't a neverending dumpsterfire of human trash, like mine, and deserves to be given the time of day.

September 22, 2017. Day 9208. 25 years, 2 months, 15 days...

That was how long it took me, to give up on life altogether, putting my fist through the glasstop of a coffee table, sticking the shards into my wrists. That was how long I stood by my mum's side, when no-one else was willing, as she destroyed every aspect of her life. Then she began destroying aspects of my life, when she ran out of things to ruin for her own. How, despite literally giving my entire life to her, up to that date, it still wasn't enough for her.

I woke up at roughly nine in the morning. My mother forced open my door, demanding I get up immediately. Little difficult at first, since I had less than five hours of rest that night. Between her blasting shitty 70s stomp-rock that rips off the most boring songs by the Doors; forcing me awake most of the night to listen to her latest drug-fueled conspiracy rants how the neighbours are siphoning our water mains and conducting black magic curses on her; and my September angst (I'll get to that later on), it was the closest I got to a "good night's rest" in recent days. Not sleep, since according to my mum, meant I was addicted to bodily human functions, and [her version of] Jesus would never accept me for being so weak. Little difficult for me, since I don't take a weekly dose of amphetamines like her. So I only rested, rather than sleep.

I was patiently waiting for my permission to die.

For the last ten years, we lived in an extremely toxic co-dependent relationship. Ever since I fell out of high school due to extreme catatonic depression at 15, my mother organized me to get on a disability pension, with her as my "carer", disguising my real problems as a more severe version of Autism, with non-verbal and rampant low-functioning traits, requiring high maintainence and care. She was granted almost $2000aud (roughly $12-1300usd) a fortnight was considered enough to cover most of our expenditures with relative comfort. But, having a rampant drug and gambling addiction, it was nowhere near enough to cover all of my mum's "personal needs"; Not even a literal mountain of cash is enough for her.

Everyone eventually gave up on her, because she was a lost cause. My dad, my siblings, literally everyone in my extended family, her boyfriends, not even the stepdad that hated me without rhyme or reason... the closest thing she had to "friends" was her favourite drug-dealer and fellow addicts; as long as you fed her amphetamine addiction, and stroke her easily-bruised ego, you were the greatest person in her life. The moment you stopped or slowed down, even for a brief moment, you became the salt of the earth. Apart from me, the only other person that had the cast-iron stomach for her bullshit was my favourite step-dad, Old Bobby. For eight and a half years (even knowing her for a decade before that), he willingly put up with her constant worst, patiently waiting to be rewarded with her best, which never came. On September 19, 2016, he died at the age of 72 from an alcoholism-related heart attack. In his Will, Old Bobby left his house to me and my older sister, estimated to be worth $550,000aud for the dirt-price. My older sister moved out seven years prior, having reached her breaking point with my mum, and was living roughly 500-klicks away; because of that, she by-default forfeited her claim of the inheritence.

Take note of the date at the top and Old Bobby's death-date. The first anniversary of his death just came and went, and she hasn't adapted or changed in the slightest, only becoming increasingly worse, taking it out on me. My mother was NOT included in the Will. Apparently, my step-dad had an almost identical upbringing to mine; he too had an overbearing mother that controlled every aspect of his life, physically, mentally and emotionally torturing him for no other clear reason than "I gave you life, so I'm entitled to make a living Hell out of it, so deal with it". So in the end when Old Bobby's mum died, he inherited the house for "being a Loyal son" and likely saw something kindred in me. He knew the only things my mother had to her name was a life-consuming drug addiction, a lundry-list of untreated mental illnesses, and 58 years of recorded history as an objectively terrible person, he figured I deserved his house for having unrequited loyalty to my mum.

She spitefully refused to pay for the solicitor fees to transfer the house into my name, even tho as my 'carer' and my on-paper status as a low-functioning Autistic, she would've been the handler of my estate. She could've sold the house without my consent, if she wanted to, but she intentionally chose to leave it in my deceased step-dad's name for over a year, because she was paranoid that The Controller (her catch-all term for whoever's running the conspiracy against her, on any given day) would steal it away from her. It would've been more honest of her to say "I'm too busy being high and miserable on purpose, because I hate everyone and thing around me, especially you!"

So in the midst of her daily screaming fit at me in the lounge room, she changed her usual spiel of me not supporting her enough despite being literally the only person to stand by her side since birth. She began to mercilessly tear into me how I refuse to admit coercing Old Bobby to summarily leave the house in my name when he died. She wouldn't accept the house would via-proxy belong to her, as my assigned carer. Then, she said it...

"Everything in my life would be so much simpler, if you were fucking dead, too!"

Those words stuck a deep cord in me. Just as I struck the glass surface of the coffee table in front of me, grabbing a large shard of glass, dragging it across my forearms without a second thought...

I was finally given permission to die, and I took it without a second thought.

Mum was more initally shocked that I was making a mess with broken glass and dripping blood, rather than me having a psychotic break that's quickly heading to my suicide. The next five minutes I screamed over her, letting out my 25 years of bottled grievences against her. How she only loves people when it suited her. How she fucked up every good opportunity that happens to her, squandering it. How the only fuck she's ever given, is how fucked-up on Speed(amphetamines) she can get. How she's became so much an insufferable human being, that not even her own autistic son whom she brainwashed from birth to show unrequited love and loyalty to her, could not tolerate her anymore...

When she tried and failed to pry the glass from my hand, she nicked one of her fingertips, accusing me of attacking her, she ran out of the house claiming how she's going to the police, despite calling them Controller henchmen an hour earlier, and was likely going to meet her drug dealer again. I walked out the front door to see her pulling out the driveway with very fake tears, I called out "THAT'S IT, JUST FUCK OFF AND SHOOT UP, LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO! I HOPE THE NEXT SHOT [of drugs] IS A HOT[poisoned] ONE!!!!" as she sped down the street.

A moment, I felt a hand hand on my shoulder, jerking me back to reality. It was one of my neighbours, an old man that mum liked screaming at, whenever she saw him. He wrapped a tea-towel over my bleeding forearms, ushering me into his home, calling for an ambulance and applying pressure to my wounds. I kept saying sorry for ruining his tea-towels, but he didn't comment at all. For the last nine years, mum tried to convince me that this man would break me in two, if he ever laid hands on me... yet, here he was, doing his best to keep my remaining seams from splitting. When the ambulance came, I asked return to my house to grab my pension card, the only piece of ID I had at the time.

I spent the next three days in hospital, in a suicide-watch ward; I was given thirteen stitches and a half-pint of blood. Doctors, a psychologist and a social worker organized for next of kin to come take me in. My Nan (grandmother) was willing to take me in, but she was 80 and lived roughly 1200 klicks away. So my aunt, who lived close to Nan--whom my mum brainwashed me were also evil but clearly weren't-- came to collect me. Meanwhile, my mother was arrested by the police for substance abuse (rather than a hundred other things), locked in a drug rehab centre, drying out. I return to my old home for the last time, my aunt gave me the ultimatum of packing one bag of clothing/personal affects to take on the plane, and one box of hard items to post to Nan's address, sacrificing everything else for a fresh start.

Three years later... today. Compared to what I was in 2017, family and doctors consider me head, shoulders, and a sizeable part of my torso, above what I was before; a physically, mentally, and emotionally damaged mess of a human being that legitimately didn't care if he lived or died, lacking way too many basic life-skills for someone my age, accepting a fate of pre-damnation. I have family members and doctors that are willing to help me every step of the way; they understand that my progress is slow and deliberately-paced, but still progress nonetheless. I may have moments, where I slow down more than usual, stop completely, and even briefly backslide, but it doesn't mean I instantly return to square-zero. And with the relatively recent discovery of my Quiet-BPD, I'm trying my best to compensate for my various shortcomings. I'm still crippled with with an overwhelming fear of September, where something profoundly bad will always happen to me, and have yet to experience an 'uneventful' month. still fearing the September Event will happen in the next eight days...

My mother, however... she somehow sold the house for $480k in early 2018, because the buyer offered her cash. She quickly burnt through most of it, spending an estmated $2500 a week on her amphetamine/gambling addictions. She still somehow eludes medical help and police, courtesy of the state she lives in having poor follow-up departments, while leaving a mile-wide streak of malignant narcissism in her wake. She does her best to harass me over the phone, taunting me for being a terrible son, how Old Bobby's rolling in his grave for selfishly abandoning her with my suicide attempt. She has learnt nothing, and continues to escape the consequences for 61 years of terrible actions, hypocritically preaching how karma will punish everyone that slighted her.

The deepest scars are ones that don't break the skin.
The hardest-to-heal wounds are those that don't seep blood and pus.
The worst kind of pain doesn't rend flesh or crack bones.
The best kind of cure doesn't treat the symptoms, but the source.

the one day I've never been allowed to be happy, under any circumstance. Might be because I genuinely wasn't expecting to live this long. Tried drinking myself to death last November (Day 10,000), I vomitted back up a liter of cheap vodka as fast as I drank it, then passing out. Tried healing myself physically, mentally, and emotionally, but... that's difficult when half my country bursts into flames; the Pandemic of the Century happens, making family and mental health support more difficult; and getting a surprise phone call from my mum, just bitterly reminding me of why I am...


But, I finally got a major update on my mental health report this May. Alongside my mild Autism, complex PTSD, and long-term depression, I now have Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder(Q-BPD) added to the list... and it describes me to a T.

- Force-feeding myself guilt and shame, even if nothing's my fault.
- Secluding and isolating myself from others, especially when my barely-contained mood-swings take hold.
- Self-esteem like easily-disturbed dust, incapable of placing any value in myself, without another's validation or consensus.
- Compulsive need to please and impress others at my own expense. Be it emotional, phyical, or fiscal.
- Chronic numbness and emptiness, with moments of surreal detachment from the world around me.
- Simultaneous fears of both rejection/abandonment from AND connecting with others.
- Difficulty/Inability to form friendships with others, let alone maintain them. Few I can form are extremely dysfuntional and non-sustainable, at best.
- Self-destructive and self-harming actions and behaviour, often leading to suicidal thoughts and occasional action.

I guess the only silver linings that I can count, is that I haven't inherited any Schizophrenia and/or bipolar disorder from my mum, with those diagnoses being "conjectured, but inconclusive". And that Q-BPD is considered the easiest of the B-cluster personality disorders to treat... it's just a matter of finding a few good friends that can help me break my vicious cycle. But that's a catch-22 situation for me.

So, an ambigiously moody birthday to me, I guess...

... is exactly Ten-Thousand days in total.

While writing this journal, is exactly how old I am.

I don't know if this is my best-before or expiration date.

SilverSketch did a nice questionnaire meme, so... might as well follow.

---

⭐ What would you do if right now the love of your life walked in and asked you to marry them?
I'd say "Who the fuck are you, and how the fuck did you get in?!?!" and proceed to beat the shit out of them.

⭐Do you trust your friends?
If I ever have friends, that is...

⭐Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love?
Given enough reason, I'd go to the figurative and literal ends of the world for them.

⭐Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
I'd like to... but I realized the world runs on flawed sense, so might as well make I own brand of it.

⭐Name two things you would NOT tolerate in a relationship?
1) Refusing to acknowledge me as my own person.
2) Demanding I change fundamental aspects of myself, just to appease you.

⭐ Which one of your friends do you think would make the best doctor?
If I had friends...

⭐ Are you afraid of falling in love?
I don't have fear, so much as apathy...

⭐Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times?
Always...

⭐Would you stop talking to your friends because you hooked up with a new person?
Again, if I had friends... but if they tried cutting me off from my family, I'm throwing them out like trash!

⭐ When was the last time you flew in a plane?
Escorting my Nan cross-country and back, to my cousin's wedding.

⭐ What did the last text message you sent say?
"I spent my entire life fighting a stubborn old woman with flawed principles, so I'm not backing down DX" I was debating an old woman the merits of turning a national landmark into a makeshift billboard for a horse-race betting company, since her family has a long history in training racehorses (even a few winners) so she saw it as a boon for equestrian culture. I countered saying it was tacky using a Unesco-listed landmark as a tacky billboard for gambling, setting a dangerous precedent for other big company's like McDonalds and Coca-Cola to use major monuments as lucrative advertising space, and she only supports it for supporting her family in some indirect way. We fought for near an hour, with my (other) cousin begging me stop just give up via texts, so me and the old lady called a ceasefire for another day. To be fair, the old lady was my cousin's mentor in dressmaking, and our debate ate into her session.

⭐ What features do you find most attractive in your preferred sex?
Justified ego; there's nothing wrong with having some, but too much will spoil it.

⭐Fill in the blank. I like _______ .
Platonic Intimacy.

⭐ What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future?
To let go of my personal burdens before they crush me to death...

⭐ If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extensive time who would you call?
The question is would anyone even know or care that I woke up?

⭐ How many kids do you want to have?
I rarely plan as far ahead as 12 hours, let alone 18 years...

⭐Would you make a good parent?
I have no idea...

⭐ Where was/were your ID picture(s) taken?
I might post it someday, so you can all look at my weary dead-eyed mug.

⭐What is your middle name?
William... it's a tradition on my father's side to give all sons' middle names based on our grandfather's first.

⭐Honestly, what's on your mind right now?
Meaningful or meaningless answers for this questionairre... and constant lingering depression.

⭐ Shoe size?
11.5

⭐ What are you wearing right now?
White longsleeve tee with a Japanese print, grey cotton sweatshorts, black socks, large stainless steel Ripcurl sportswatch.

⭐Righty or Lefty?
interdependent ambidextrous... that means one hand is skilled in half things, while the other is skilled in the rest. But if you meant writing, then my left hand.

⭐Can you make a dollar in change right now?
About $30Aud from the change bowl on my desk...

⭐Best place to eat?
My Nan's dinner table. <3

⭐Favorite pair of jeans you own?
A pair of vintage 90s baggy jeans, almost all the blue faded out of them. Comfy AF.

⭐Favorite animal?
Various types of mammals.

⭐ Favorite juice?
Depends... Orange with a drop of lime in the morning, or apple and blackcurrant in the evening.

⭐ Have you had the chicken pox?
I can hang out around poxed kids and not die, so... probably. Unless that's the vaccine's job.

⭐Have you had a sore throat?
Who hasn't? From sickness, every single time. From shouting matches, too many to count...

⭐Who knows you the best?
My sister... growing up with me, dealing with all my good and bad shit, she's capable of reading me like a large-print book. Which is good, since I know jack-shit about myself half the time.

⭐ Do you get along with your family?
With the sole exception of my mother, very much.

⭐Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?
Not yet... maybe around my 40th b-day when genetics and long-term effects looking at a screen 7 hours a day gets the better of me.

⭐Ever been in a fight with your pet?
I don't own any, but I'd like to...

⭐ Been to Mexico?
No, but I'd like to visit during the Day of the Dead festival, and maybe do a Santa Muerte pilgrimage.

⭐ Did you buy something today?
Let's see... an iced coffee, some bananas, a sixpack of Asahi beer, and a hard-cover Legend of Batman comic.

⭐Did you get sick today?
no.

⭐Did you miss someone today?
A few... but I won't name names.

⭐Did you get in a fight with someone today?
thankfully i have avoided that.

⭐When is the last time you had a massage?
I'm touch-averse, so the irony of a soothing massage would just give me more stress.

⭐Last person to lay in your bed?
that's private.

⭐Last person to see you cry?
My aunt, uncle, at least two of my cousins and Nan.

⭐ Who made you cry?
My mother.

⭐ What was the last TV show you watched?
Does Netflix count? If so, Z Nation.

⭐ What are your plans for the weekend?
Prolly sit in my room in a state of anti-zen, fending off my crippling loneliness and depression with doomer mixtapes, Schizphrenia-suppressants I'm using as sleeping pills, imported beer, and passively prodding strangers on a clockwork weekly basis to continue our roleplay threads, secretly knowing they won't...

⭐Who do you think will repost this?
Who knows... Maybe someone whose watching me. Maybe a curious stranger. Maybe the "person of my dreams" without the home-invasion scenario this questionnaire presented...

⭐ Name of the person you got this from
SilverSketch

⭐Are you happy?
Your guess is good as mine...

---

That about does it... few bits of my dirty laundry in there, but half the point of these questionnaire memes.

"Ego in personality is like salt&pepper in food; a small amount makes it palatable, but too much will spoil it. And none at all is just bland and uninteresting." - on justified/moderated ego.

"Complaining about everything while doing absolutely nothing has yet to solve anything." - on actions vs words.

"The Left doesn't want to solve problems, because it can't exploit them. The Right doesn't want to solve problems because it can't complain about them. Or did I mix them up again...?" - on the cynical balancing act of modern-day politics.

"If there is no problem, create one. If one already exists, make it worse." - on perpetuated drama & conflict.

"Don't worry, we're all going to Hell for far less." - on guilty pleasures.

"Complaining about the lack of X in Y is like complaining about the lack of meat in a Vegan diet." - on straw-manning weak subjects to poorly validate/reinforce one's biases.

Just a few I can think up at the moment... might add some more later, or maybe make a volume.ii in time.