Contemplation, contemplation.

I've been thinking about it recently, and I have come to some realizations...

You know what? The furry fandom is really...Not for me. Like a friend of mine said, "sometimes I wonder why I am here..." All it has brought me is sadness... I lost a very important year of my life to someone who ended up.... Not being right for me at all. I was blind to this, because he was a furry. I am still blind to this somewhat, because he is my ex- and I didn't want to break up with him.... But in retrospect, it is probably better that it happened that way. I have gained no true, lasting friendships.... The ones that I did reap from the fandom turned out to be abusive, and the people I came in contact with turned out NOT to be AT ALL who they said they were... It is almost as if they purposely hid it from me, and constantly used excuses.... I cannot believe that one of my ex friend's didn't have ANY sympathy to anyone's emotions except her/his own... That is how it genuinely appeared, I felt backed into a corner...I bit down hard, I felt threatened. No one I have come across has been willing to stick by my side....Because many of the people I have met....Are base quitters. The furry fandom has merely brought me sadness....None of my friendships have lasted, I went through years of heartache because of the ordeals my family put me through, I withdrew so that I only had a life on the internet...and I let people hurt me, and get under my skin....People who are not worth time and energy to put effort upon, because they, themselves, are unwilling to do so unto me. I strictly believe what I believe- and I encountered people who challenged that, yet believed such absurdities, and were the hurt deterimentally when I said a mere thing....I encountered people.....Who let it build up....They did not come to me to talk about how they were feeling....Instead, they just walked away after a certain amount of time, and said that they put effort into the friendship, when they were the ones avoiding talking to me, and breaking promises they could not keep in the first place. Okay, I posted some fairly harsh stuff in my livejournal.... But, like one of the people SAID that ended up leaving me, I quote, "Don't worry about it, hun. Everyone says things they don't mean when they are upset....*hugs*"....And she/he also told me numerous times that he/she was scatter brained....and, in that stead, I was penelized for some rash reaction I had, because I am only human.... Not only that, but they know I react like that....And, I had OTHER friends who are polyamorous as well...The world did not revolve around him/her, and my world ceased to revolve around him/her when they abandonned me, yet, he/she acted like I was attacking her/him. That is not true. I felt attacked. I had numerous people biting my throat about how I felt about polyamory- in real life, online...Everywhere. I felt threatened. Generally, when someone feels threatened, they lash out. Excuse me for being human....

Anyway, this has turned into a long rant about wounds of the past....But the point is....I think I am going to remove myself from the furry fandom- I don't appreciate the sexual promiscuity, I don't appreciate the horniness of almost everyone I meet, I don't appreciate the maturity level, I don't appreciate the aspect of nearly every male being homosexual, or more attracted to men (now, I am not a homophobe, but I have seen women, or female art treated like dirt, and with a sense of purely base immaturity and disdain which I feel lacks appropriateness.), I do not appreciate the con couture, of drinking, fucking, doing drugs, having sex in animal suits....While there are furs I have similar interests and beliefs with,I have yet to find any of them who.... Want to befriend me, or put in the effort to kindle a friendship. I am tired of furries who think they are not hyoomans, and I am tired of furries who's perspective of this astral plane is....Well, fucked up. I am tired of the poor hygene, and the "yiffiness" of every thing, and the strong sexual kinks that invade everything, everywhere.... Call me a quitter, just as I call this myriad of individuals...But from what I have observed, and experienced, I just...Do not think I fit in here. I have only been hurt, heartbroken, and ignored.

Not only will I contemplate removing myself from this fandom....I do think I will resign from saying that I am into BDSM, and that type of subcouture.... Even vampirism is... Becoming.... Distorted. I am sick of seeing unfaithful, sexually driven people everywhere. While there are good people into this sort of thing, I am sick of the MAJORITY. That is how it is with furry-ism as well...It's the majority that drive me up a wall, and all of the combined aspects.... I am almost sick of underground everything, because I cannot find one place where I fit in, where atleast the majority of people DON'T do thinks that make me want to rip my eyes out, and eat them.... In the BDSM community, and in the kink community, I have seen.... Extreme licentiousness. Extreme immaturity, and extreme stupidity. While some people are alright, I am so fed up with this promiscuous, immature, selfish atitude I have seen from many.....Subgenre people. Personally, I believe that polyamory is just a mental stasis where a certain individual is unable to cope with the idea of one relationship. I did a survey in a polyamorous community, and they got defensive, when I was merely attempting to gather data unbiasedly...The less immature individuals shook their heads at these defensive ones, but I still found that the average relationship lasts less than three years, and that many times, people turn "polyamoroous" after they have been in a long term relationship, or married. Many of the people there said that they approached their partner about it, after they were having relationship problems in their current relationship....It's almost as if the ability to LET GO of something is impossible...Anyway... It's not even just the fact that they are polyamorous which killed my respect for them...But the way I was treated, and the way that their psychosis had developed.....Many of them were, to put it blankly, near insanity.

Anyway.... I am ranting again, and I apologize for that.... But honestly. I have reaped nothing from the places I have placed myself in....I have also not reaped much from, well, the internet. It has just caused drama, hatred, and emotional pain in my life- and I think I will try to be more active among people that I know in real life- people that I have taken the time to befriend.... I will attempt to find people....Who share a common interest from the heart...Not from pure aesthetics, like furry, bdsm, etc.... I am sick of this "fooling around" and overabusiveness of teenage attitude that many "adults" I have met online exhibit. I am sick of it, and to put it blankly...

I do not fit in here.

My character is not even a furry. I am not a furry. I hate that label. I hate that misconception...I truely have a hatred for it. The animal spirit is a deep, and meaningful part of me.... The parallel to this universe, to this astral plane.... The animal spirit is very important, and symbollic. She is not a furry, which is why my "fursona" never stayed the same for a long amount of time. She is....Me. Yet, I do not percieve that she is here, or will manifest in me...It is purely symbolic. It is...Purely a belief, a comfort. I do not believe physicallities and physical change are so important as...What is inside your spirit, your mind, your soul, your heart... I do not yearn to be her....I do not yearn to be anything else from what I already am, except at times....But I do not experience dellusions, or physical pain. I am human, and I accept that. My spirit, however, is ever changing.

Anyway....It has been real, guys.

For deviantart, furaffinity, furry2furry, etc.- I don't check it anymore, so I won't get your notes and comments or whatever. If you really feel strongly about this, or if you truly care, I will be leaving my e-mail address.

For livejournal- comments are disabled, because I don't care anymore, and I am too tired of arguing. I need to move on with my LIFE. And stop sitting in front of a glowing box 24/7. Email me if you are really that upset, or if you truly care.

Contact: (these will be the only way to contact me, unless you know what websites I visit...)

Email: silver.apparition[at]gmail.com
AIM: Ask me for it through email.
Address: See above.
Website(where my art will be stored, and updates on my life): https://www.geocities.com/tearsoforpheus
And I do frequent at the norcalrenfaire.org forums.

Good bye.