No one will read these journals and that's fine, The only reason I ramble online about stupid things is because thoughts poison me. They just really bug the hell out of me until I write them down and I have no idea why.
I'm just loopy like that I guess.

Anyway I'm feeling rather pathetic lately because I have let my anxiety and anti socialism take complete control over my small life.
I love talking to people online and making friends and I am fast to share dark secrets.
I don't put up a false identity online and am always honest about everything, But in my day to day life I only have one friend and I'm still even too shy to fully communicate with him although he know's i'm gay and All I want is to be comfortable with my sexuality.

I've always been pretty shy but going into highschool It turned into full blown anxiety and panic attacks throughout the whole day, Some so bad they made me so physically ill I had to leave school early quite a lot.
I'm guessing it came from discovering I was gay while my friends were already dating and fucking girls in between classes.
Their attempts to set me up with girls didn't help me at all and I sunk into a dark depression.
Started drinking a lot at age 14 (they say almost 60% of homos are dependent on drugs or alcohol and trust me I know it all too well, I'm living it)

So life as the mute goth kid in the back of the class everyone was afraid of snapping one day and going on a killing spree has had a very negative effect on my social skills and I really hate not being able to functionally meet people without seeming a bit slow in the head.
I feel so inadequate and unlovable and it makes no sense to me since I know there are a lot of people out there living their lives and being daft morons while I'm the one too afraid of even eating in public or driving a car.

I really think I need professional help....