Userpage of Coffee-Mutt -- Fur Affinity [dot] net

Registered: January 21, 2017 03:47:06 PM

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Find me at  canistenebris

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•Megaplex•
2014 - 2015 - 2016 - 2018 - 2022

•MegaCon Orlando•
2019

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View Journal (15 Comments)

Featured Journal

Going dark- See you space cowboy (G)

2 years ago

 



I want to start this journal off by thanking everyone who's ever come to this page, commissioned me, supported me, and viewed my work over the years. 

From the bottom of my heart, thank you. 



But after some extended time off I've come to a realization. 

For my own well-being, I'll be ceasing all work on this account.





I've been in this fandom for well over a decade and I've been an artist within it for almost the same amount of time. Originally it was fantastic, making a job out of something I enjoyed, but over the years I've realized I began to feel stuck.. trapped even. There was no time to really make anything for myself and even if I made time I felt it still had to be something the wider audience would want to engage with. It couldn't be art that was just mine, that isn't what everyone was here for. 

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy some saucy art every now and then and I did enjoy creating the pieces I did but it all never felt like my art, it just felt like art I was creating. Something visually nice but hollow.. meant to just get eyes on it or meant to be what a commissioner wanted to the best I could provide. 



And that's not even touching on just how difficult it's become in recent years to try to make a decent earning as a commissionable artist. Even as a small time one. Maybe even especially so, who knows.

It's all left me with almost crippling imposter syndrome. I was starting to see other artists as competition instead of fellow creatives; constantly wondering what I was doing so wrong to not be pulling the same numbers. Wondering why I wasn't 'good enough'. Constantly feeling I had to put 200% into everything for it to be worth it for my commissioners.



I took a very extended break from everything the last few months in order to finish a personal suit I wanted to wear for Megaplex and to finish a head for Aussie. In that time I checked nothing. I went almost completely radio silent. And it felt so.. good. I started making art again just for myself. I worked on my own projects, and Aussie and I had an incredible time at Megaplex with our friends that we've missed dearly.

And it all made me realize that this job I'd sunk myself into was absolutely destroying me and my enjoyment of this fandom. And it wasn't worth it anymore. 



If any of you have read this far, firstly thank you. I realize I could have just been one of the MANY artists who just disappear one day never to be heard from again. But I know at least a couple of you have followed me through thick and thin and I guess maybe I'm hoping some will continue to. 



If more macabre and 'edgier' art is anyone's cup of tea, you can find me at CanisTenebris from now on. I'll be making.. whatever I feel like. Exploring avenues I never got to, experimenting with crafts that may even develop into something down the line. Whatever it'll be, the important thing to me now is that it's mine. 



So, signing off

-Mutt