I’m going to be completely honest, even though I’m sure no one really cares. I just need to vent a little about what I’m feeling.

I’m a digital illustrator, currently broke, with a baby on the way (he will be born in a week). You might think, "Hey, those are the consequences of your bad decisions," and maybe that’s true. But I believe the last year and a half has simply been a series of bad luck.

I've been working as a freelancer on Fiverr for 2-3 years, earning a decent income for the country I live in. I traveled, bought things for my home, and basically lived the life of an independent adult. My life was nearly perfect, and everything was going well while living with my partner (we still live together). Then, one December, I suffered two devastating blows that completely changed my life—the betrayal of someone I loved and the death of the only person who truly loved me unconditionally.

This shattered me. I fell into months of deep depression that wrecked both my mental and physical health. Because of this, I neglected my Fiverr profile, and little by little, the platform stopped promoting my services, even when I paid for visibility.

A year and a half of pain, anxiety, tears, and desperation. Every job that came my way felt like a glass of water in the middle of the desert. I had to take out multiple loans and rely on family and friends just to survive. My life wasn't perfect before, but at least I was independent. Now, I struggle daily with thoughts that make me feel like a parasite, a burden, or simply incapable. I feel like I lost the strength and mental stability I had built over years of hard work, enduring a terrible boss.

I know many would say the solution is simple—just "get a job." I am absolutely not afraid of hard work, but the economy in my country is in ruins. Most jobs pay about $20 per week if you’re lucky, and finding work here is incredibly difficult.

After enduring an entire year of living in misery, my partner and I had unprotected sex on my birthday. Then came a series of celebrations, and since she doesn’t get pregnant easily due to polycystic ovary syndrome, we didn’t think much of it until reality hit us like a truck—she was pregnant, and we had absolutely no money.

This situation led me to open this account. As I mentioned, I’m an artist. I used to work on comic projects or custom illustrations that had nothing to do with furry or anthro content. At one point in the past, I considered entering the furry art scene and created Ottobum years ago, but I couldn’t adapt well, so I abandoned it. It doesn’t bother me, but I admit I lack experience and am still learning. Many friends encouraged me to take the leap and start creating furry illustrations to earn money and rebuild my finances. They all know how lucrative this field can be, especially NSFW content.

However, I’m facing more resistance than I expected. Since I’m not used to making this type of artwork, I have to learn, adapt my style, and change my perception of what I consider "quality content." It’s been quite challenging, but selling a couple of adopts has given me hope.

This is my current situation, and I won’t lie—I’ve wished for my life to end on numerous occasions because everything I’m going through is overwhelming. My child will be born soon, and I don’t have enough money to pay for my partner’s C-section. Some family members are trying to help, but gathering the money is difficult, and most of them would rather leave us to fend for ourselves. I’m pushing myself to create appealing designs, to learn, to adapt, but some days—like today—I feel like I can’t take it anymore. I just want to break down. But I don’t. I keep fighting.

I’m afraid of failure—not for myself anymore, but for the innocent child who is coming into this world. I love him, even though he wasn’t planned. I don’t want to give up because of him, yet it terrifies me to not see a clear future where we can be okay.

As I said, I doubt this matters to anyone, but at the very least, I leave this here as a record of myself, hoping that when my future self looks back on this, it will be under better circumstances.