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Dear L - The Lame Horse
Dear L,
My name is Robert and I need some advise. My boyfriend Vincent is having a very hard time right now and I’m slowly starting to lose it myself. He has gone through so much in the past months that he feels like the world is rejecting him because of his health problems. He has fought through so many sicknesses his entire life and some major illnesses struck him at the wrong time in his life. I’m always there to consul him, but I’m running out of things to say to him to try to keep him calm and stable.
Vincent is a 28 year old brown thoroughbred horse. When he was born, he had a small list of sicknesses. He had trouble breathing and would get sick pretty easily. He grew up being under the protection of a great medical staff and his parents until he was almost as healthy as the next horse. Because he grew up sick, his body remained thin unlike his muscular father. He was often mistaken for a female from the back until he turned around. No matter how much he ate or did to try to gain muscle, he couldn’t build anything. He remained skinny and femboyish. He found his place in life as a track runner and wanted to go to participate in the All Equine 300meter dash at the Olympics in 2012. I helped him train and I saw just how far he can run. It was hard at him at first due to his mild sickness, but he never gave up.
Track wasn’t his only hobby. He was picked up by a scout that’s worked for the local porn magazine, Morning Wood. Due to his slender feminine figure and cute innocent voice, they wanted him to be featured in a series of photos and drawing with him posing naked and have sex with other males. He was already gay and thought it might be fun to do. Being his boyfriend and soulmate, I was worried about this but he said that he would be fine. He juggled both track and pornography. He quit his day job in retail as soon as the porn company started to give him more money. I sometimes watched him pose nude even with an erection between his legs and him having sex with other femboy or muscular horses, even the hyper horses. I felt jealous, but he said that it was just a job. He only had interest in my golden bear backside. He was honest and careful. The company made sure they reminded everyone about safe sex and he was always tested every month for any sexual viruses. Thankfully, he never got any. He won the award to be April's Stud of the Month, thus getting him near $5,000 in one month. He was a popular horse. There are times when I can't help but jerk off to his photos, but nothing beats the real thing.
His sickness came back to him from out of the blue. He suddenly developed a bone weakness that struck his right leg, causing his leg to fracture. It’s a rare bone disease that running horses sometimes get. His leg healed fine, but whenever he put too much pressure on it while running for a long distance or while making love, it would break again. He couldn’t run the full 300meters like he used to. He would always fall and hurt himself after 100meters. After the third break, the doctors told him that he shouldn’t run anymore or they will have to take his leg. He was crushed. He spend years training and now he can’t run as much as he wanted to any more. The magazine company paid half of his medical bill since he signed a contract saying that he was theirs. He continued to do business for them until something else happened.
First, he developed an eye infection, causing him to go blind in his left eye. It was a genetic family disease from what the doctor’s told us. After that, they found cancer near his kidney. His manager at the porn company sent him to a surgeon that was covered by the company's insurance. They got the cancer out, but it left him was a nasty scar on his side. Due to his blind eye, his scar and his bum leg, his managers cursed him out and fired him, but not before saying that he was an ugly lame horse and should be put down. Hearing that, Vincent lost it and tried to commit suicide. I was there to stop him from doing anything. This has been going on for almost a month. I had to keep an eye on him just incase he does something drastic.
It was our 3rd honeymoon together and I wanted it to be a special night. It only took one fall off of his chair that he broke down again, feeling the pain in his bum leg. He started to claw at his body and even his face. He said that he looked hideous and he doesn’t want to live anymore. He always calls himself The Lame Horse due to his history with sickness. He said that he was no longer sexy or healthy and should be put out of his misery. I had to restrain him until he was too tired to fight back. My voice trembled as I tried to calm him down. I was running out of things to say to him.
He refuses to go to a therapist. He said that he doesn’t trust them. He can’t take medication because it would screw up his chemical balance in his body, causing him to get sick, even on medication that prevents or heals. He would have to get something from the doctor's but with no health insurance and no money, it was impossible. I don’t know what to do. I’m typing this right now while he is sleeping next to me. He cried himself to sleep. Those claw marks next to his blind eye makes me want to cry. Why does he have to suffer like this? I’m not a horse so I can’t fully understand what he is going through.
Help me, L. I don’t want to lose him and I’m afraid that he might take his life if I’m not around to stop him. His family doesn’t know what’s going on in his life. They know about his leg and eye, but everything connected to the porn magazine they don’t know about. He always says he’s ugly and disfigured, but he’s not. He is still very sexy and handsome in my eyes, but he is finding it very hard to convince himself. I try to keep those magazine’s that have pictures of him before he became handicapped. I don’t know what to do.
What can I do? What can I say? I there any way we can see you in person? He reads your letters and I know he would find this if you publish it. I need help. I want to save him. Please tell me what to do.
- Robert T Bear.
**** I know this is rather depressing. I came up with the idea after reading through ClubStrips, The Winder Special 2009 Ed.: the one with the horse guys. I thought about how beautiful they were drawn and if these characters were real and something happened to them that ended their career and even lose a bit of their beauty, how would they feel and/or what would they do? Everyone draws beautiful characters that celebrate their beauty sexual activities or alike. But what if the worse happened to a character and they become disfigured, thus losing their aura of glamor? Maybe I think too realistically sometimes...
DISCUSS?
artwork © 2011 Alex Cockburn
My name is Robert and I need some advise. My boyfriend Vincent is having a very hard time right now and I’m slowly starting to lose it myself. He has gone through so much in the past months that he feels like the world is rejecting him because of his health problems. He has fought through so many sicknesses his entire life and some major illnesses struck him at the wrong time in his life. I’m always there to consul him, but I’m running out of things to say to him to try to keep him calm and stable.
Vincent is a 28 year old brown thoroughbred horse. When he was born, he had a small list of sicknesses. He had trouble breathing and would get sick pretty easily. He grew up being under the protection of a great medical staff and his parents until he was almost as healthy as the next horse. Because he grew up sick, his body remained thin unlike his muscular father. He was often mistaken for a female from the back until he turned around. No matter how much he ate or did to try to gain muscle, he couldn’t build anything. He remained skinny and femboyish. He found his place in life as a track runner and wanted to go to participate in the All Equine 300meter dash at the Olympics in 2012. I helped him train and I saw just how far he can run. It was hard at him at first due to his mild sickness, but he never gave up.
Track wasn’t his only hobby. He was picked up by a scout that’s worked for the local porn magazine, Morning Wood. Due to his slender feminine figure and cute innocent voice, they wanted him to be featured in a series of photos and drawing with him posing naked and have sex with other males. He was already gay and thought it might be fun to do. Being his boyfriend and soulmate, I was worried about this but he said that he would be fine. He juggled both track and pornography. He quit his day job in retail as soon as the porn company started to give him more money. I sometimes watched him pose nude even with an erection between his legs and him having sex with other femboy or muscular horses, even the hyper horses. I felt jealous, but he said that it was just a job. He only had interest in my golden bear backside. He was honest and careful. The company made sure they reminded everyone about safe sex and he was always tested every month for any sexual viruses. Thankfully, he never got any. He won the award to be April's Stud of the Month, thus getting him near $5,000 in one month. He was a popular horse. There are times when I can't help but jerk off to his photos, but nothing beats the real thing.
His sickness came back to him from out of the blue. He suddenly developed a bone weakness that struck his right leg, causing his leg to fracture. It’s a rare bone disease that running horses sometimes get. His leg healed fine, but whenever he put too much pressure on it while running for a long distance or while making love, it would break again. He couldn’t run the full 300meters like he used to. He would always fall and hurt himself after 100meters. After the third break, the doctors told him that he shouldn’t run anymore or they will have to take his leg. He was crushed. He spend years training and now he can’t run as much as he wanted to any more. The magazine company paid half of his medical bill since he signed a contract saying that he was theirs. He continued to do business for them until something else happened.
First, he developed an eye infection, causing him to go blind in his left eye. It was a genetic family disease from what the doctor’s told us. After that, they found cancer near his kidney. His manager at the porn company sent him to a surgeon that was covered by the company's insurance. They got the cancer out, but it left him was a nasty scar on his side. Due to his blind eye, his scar and his bum leg, his managers cursed him out and fired him, but not before saying that he was an ugly lame horse and should be put down. Hearing that, Vincent lost it and tried to commit suicide. I was there to stop him from doing anything. This has been going on for almost a month. I had to keep an eye on him just incase he does something drastic.
It was our 3rd honeymoon together and I wanted it to be a special night. It only took one fall off of his chair that he broke down again, feeling the pain in his bum leg. He started to claw at his body and even his face. He said that he looked hideous and he doesn’t want to live anymore. He always calls himself The Lame Horse due to his history with sickness. He said that he was no longer sexy or healthy and should be put out of his misery. I had to restrain him until he was too tired to fight back. My voice trembled as I tried to calm him down. I was running out of things to say to him.
He refuses to go to a therapist. He said that he doesn’t trust them. He can’t take medication because it would screw up his chemical balance in his body, causing him to get sick, even on medication that prevents or heals. He would have to get something from the doctor's but with no health insurance and no money, it was impossible. I don’t know what to do. I’m typing this right now while he is sleeping next to me. He cried himself to sleep. Those claw marks next to his blind eye makes me want to cry. Why does he have to suffer like this? I’m not a horse so I can’t fully understand what he is going through.
Help me, L. I don’t want to lose him and I’m afraid that he might take his life if I’m not around to stop him. His family doesn’t know what’s going on in his life. They know about his leg and eye, but everything connected to the porn magazine they don’t know about. He always says he’s ugly and disfigured, but he’s not. He is still very sexy and handsome in my eyes, but he is finding it very hard to convince himself. I try to keep those magazine’s that have pictures of him before he became handicapped. I don’t know what to do.
What can I do? What can I say? I there any way we can see you in person? He reads your letters and I know he would find this if you publish it. I need help. I want to save him. Please tell me what to do.
- Robert T Bear.
**** I know this is rather depressing. I came up with the idea after reading through ClubStrips, The Winder Special 2009 Ed.: the one with the horse guys. I thought about how beautiful they were drawn and if these characters were real and something happened to them that ended their career and even lose a bit of their beauty, how would they feel and/or what would they do? Everyone draws beautiful characters that celebrate their beauty sexual activities or alike. But what if the worse happened to a character and they become disfigured, thus losing their aura of glamor? Maybe I think too realistically sometimes...
DISCUSS?
artwork © 2011 Alex Cockburn
Category All / All
Species Horse
Size 662 x 901px
File Size 610.4 kB
Don't you see what is going on, Vincent has had a series of misfortunes that would make almost anyone think that way, more so those who have not had it easy their entire life. When someone gets that way, they can't or won't see the angels that are doing their best to help them through their issues.
Well, I'll just have to disagree with ya there, that's all. But, IMO, antidepressants are way way over-prescribed by doctors who don't have time to actually talk to their patients and patients who feel they can't fix the cause of their emotional problems. This is getting far away from the image and story, but I just found many of the "needs to see a doctor" comments to be misguided and harmful.
The thing is, it's not just Vincent who need professional help, but Roger as well. Robert is taking the first step looking for help as he is seeing that he can't possibly do this by himself. At the least, Robert is thinking somewhat clearly, Vincent on the other hand is not thinking clearly.
I have been in Robert's position a few times with my partner and can honestly say that trying to help the one you hold near and dear through their bouts of depression is at best extremely hard at worst, near impossible, and it is draining, both physically and mentally. I have called out for help, despite being forced to sleep on either the floor or on the couch because he is pissed off at me for calling his family or going to the hospital instead of the store. Yes it hurts to what I did, and if I have toi do it again, I will.
I have been in Robert's position a few times with my partner and can honestly say that trying to help the one you hold near and dear through their bouts of depression is at best extremely hard at worst, near impossible, and it is draining, both physically and mentally. I have called out for help, despite being forced to sleep on either the floor or on the couch because he is pissed off at me for calling his family or going to the hospital instead of the store. Yes it hurts to what I did, and if I have toi do it again, I will.
I know how Vincent feels, as I think the same way about myself almost all of the time dispite what my mate says about me. I have even wound up in the hospital for trying to commit suicide. I am seeing a therapist but it doesn't really help, because I think that he doesn't like me either, and that he is only pretending to care because that is what he is paid for. The most one's mate can do for them is be there to love, listen, and try to comfort. That is all I want anyhow..
While the drawing is absolutely gorgeous, it's the accompanying story that really brings it all into perspective and has given me a lump the size of a golf ball in my throat. So I wholeheartedly applaud you for this brilliant piece of work, and I thank you for sharing it with the world.
Also... A bit of realism and character depth never hurt anyone. ^^
Also... A bit of realism and character depth never hurt anyone. ^^
discuss. sure. He should have more familial support, especially with the fgamily history thing going. Poor guy. So he's got a scar? he'd still make a fine model, just not nude. the blind eye could give him a bit of a more exotic look. Admitted, he would never be able to run as far as he wishes without braces. That's the part that hurts me, truthfully. I could handle the sickness, and the blind eye, but losing the ability in my legs would devistate me. The scar however, well. He is a horse. I think it looks good on him. As long a shis lover thinks so well of him he should listen. even if he dosen't hear hte words at first, he will hear them. keep talking, ursine, you may not understand but it is your support he needs most.
I have come across many people who have Characters that are disfigured in some way. And to me its not there body that attracts me to them its their personality and all out being. If i find someone that is happy and cheerful i love that and want to hang around and be with that person to have fun and enjoy life. It is when one is depressed and sadden by there appearance that it makes it hard to not feel sorry or anything at all. I try and tell anyone that feels they are ugly or just not cute enough that they are in someones eyes. And to never look down at themselves cause if you do that and you feel disgusted with your own being then who else can see you as beautiful.
A very well written story, with emotional impact.
Not everyone gets to grow up to be some slab-of-beef stud, having people fall into their arms with just a wink and a smirk. If I had to suggest something to him, it'd be that life's pretty predictable. If you can't become a millionaire from sports by the time you're 30, you better be able to do something that doesn't involve being physically fit, because sooner or later your body will start failing, regardless of who you are. You won't be as spry, or as fast, or as agile when you get older, it's just a fact of life. Find something else you enjoy doing, and learn how to do it well. It's never too late to learn something new, but it's easier to do it when you're young. Art, music, programming, making levels for video games... There's a lot of possibilities.
Not everyone gets to grow up to be some slab-of-beef stud, having people fall into their arms with just a wink and a smirk. If I had to suggest something to him, it'd be that life's pretty predictable. If you can't become a millionaire from sports by the time you're 30, you better be able to do something that doesn't involve being physically fit, because sooner or later your body will start failing, regardless of who you are. You won't be as spry, or as fast, or as agile when you get older, it's just a fact of life. Find something else you enjoy doing, and learn how to do it well. It's never too late to learn something new, but it's easier to do it when you're young. Art, music, programming, making levels for video games... There's a lot of possibilities.
Sadly, our world values a certain narrow ideal that can never last for very long. In the porn industry, all the more so.
Worse yet, people are judged by this same standard of appearance in unrelated contexts. It gets into your head. You internalize it.
Young people don't realize they're more than their physical appearance as dictated by this standard. Most grown ups haven't even gotten the memo on this.
I want to draw scars now.
Worse yet, people are judged by this same standard of appearance in unrelated contexts. It gets into your head. You internalize it.
Young people don't realize they're more than their physical appearance as dictated by this standard. Most grown ups haven't even gotten the memo on this.
I want to draw scars now.
Discuss. Hmm, more of a thought...
When everything you've been working towards and living for gets taken away, it's traumatic.
When the people surrounding you all go away because the going gets rough, it's tragic.
After it all falls to pieces, look around and see who is still going to stick by, and work towards something new.
When everything you've been working towards and living for gets taken away, it's traumatic.
When the people surrounding you all go away because the going gets rough, it's tragic.
After it all falls to pieces, look around and see who is still going to stick by, and work towards something new.
bravo for thinking about the layers of a charactor. I thought the same things. thinking if justin bebber were to get in a irreversable scar on his face from a car wreck would his fans still care for him or would they reject him. nowadays though i can't answer the question.
You know, in some ways, I can empathize with Vincent. Being a Cancer survivor, and having to undergo some life changes as a result. Before my diagnosis, I was a black belt in a couple of different styles, and had life plans to open up my own studio. I even had a shot at the US Olympic TKD team.
The doctors told me, flat out "You ever step onto the mats again, it'll be the last thing you ever do."
At that time, I had to be physically restrained to keep from doing it anyways. Go out with a bang, that kind of thing. It was... not a pleasant time to be in my head.
Took me a few years before I got my head on straight. During that time... yea, all I could think about was how crippled and disfigured I was. It took years, and close friends and family who never gave up on me, to pull me out of that funk.
And now? Well, even though I'll never compete again, and my current lifestyle has nothing to do with martial arts anymore, it's still a life worth living. Life sometimes happens like that, shit shows up and fucks your life over. Either you let it win, or you find a way to get through it and prove that, even as a lame horse, you're still tougher than it is.
The doctors told me, flat out "You ever step onto the mats again, it'll be the last thing you ever do."
At that time, I had to be physically restrained to keep from doing it anyways. Go out with a bang, that kind of thing. It was... not a pleasant time to be in my head.
Took me a few years before I got my head on straight. During that time... yea, all I could think about was how crippled and disfigured I was. It took years, and close friends and family who never gave up on me, to pull me out of that funk.
And now? Well, even though I'll never compete again, and my current lifestyle has nothing to do with martial arts anymore, it's still a life worth living. Life sometimes happens like that, shit shows up and fucks your life over. Either you let it win, or you find a way to get through it and prove that, even as a lame horse, you're still tougher than it is.
There's more than one concept of beauty. People disagree on wether small or large breasts are beautiful, on weather thin or plump women are beautiful, or wether muscled or slender men are beautiful, or clean shaven or bearded men (although that's more handsome than beautiful.)
There are people who will think scars are ugly but there are people who will think scars are beautiful and interesting because they tell a story.
It's not 'over', it's just time for a different point of view.
There are people who will think scars are ugly but there are people who will think scars are beautiful and interesting because they tell a story.
It's not 'over', it's just time for a different point of view.
Very interesting story. I like how you show that he's skinny due to sickness but no one else sees this and just thinks he's sexy, blinded to seeing any more of him than his flesh.
Contrary to others, I'd say Vincent is more in need of emotional support and encouragement to find rewarding to him, as well as making sure he's not spending too much time holed up indoors in his own pity. His situation has made him unhappy, not any lack of drugs. And perhaps he'll never be just as happy as he was before, but maybe that's ok. "Happiness" is not the be all and end all of life.
Contrary to others, I'd say Vincent is more in need of emotional support and encouragement to find rewarding to him, as well as making sure he's not spending too much time holed up indoors in his own pity. His situation has made him unhappy, not any lack of drugs. And perhaps he'll never be just as happy as he was before, but maybe that's ok. "Happiness" is not the be all and end all of life.
You have a way with words, you know.
Suicidal depression is a hard thing to deal with in writing - at least, I found. It's hard to either depict realistically the circular thought patterns and shattered self-image that come with it, or to write it out without making your readers incredibly depressed. Then again, I mostly write in the first person; this here is in the third. That might be the difference.
Suicidal depression is a hard thing to deal with in writing - at least, I found. It's hard to either depict realistically the circular thought patterns and shattered self-image that come with it, or to write it out without making your readers incredibly depressed. Then again, I mostly write in the first person; this here is in the third. That might be the difference.
you really do have a way of doing it, yknow... your art, the emotions... it is very depressing, especially to anyone who can sincerely say they sympathize...
feeling broken... useless... like you don't even deserve to live... its a truly deep hole... if I had to look at Vincent at a time following this, I would say the following. "The fact is, as LAME as you may be, you're still stronger by far than anyone you have been with... even your boyfriend... you may think he is the strong one, always believing in you and always being there for you...and you're right, he is a supreme caliber person, one that you should be ashamed of for wanting to abandon him through suicide... but don't you think that he loves you deeply, and maybe even admires you? facing what you have takes extreme courage and fortitude, and if I say so myself, the things about yourself that you curse...are the true marks of beauty... I guarantee you, that if you ignore the worthless rantings of people who only care about common perceptions, and look at soul and spirit, you'll see yourself through Robert's eyes... believe me, if I had someone to tell me this when I was younger....if I could have seen myself the way my loves ones saw me... I would have never even thought about pulling the trigger...you are not alone...you are NEVER alone...and i'll be damned if you're going to let a weakling like me show you up..."
feeling broken... useless... like you don't even deserve to live... its a truly deep hole... if I had to look at Vincent at a time following this, I would say the following. "The fact is, as LAME as you may be, you're still stronger by far than anyone you have been with... even your boyfriend... you may think he is the strong one, always believing in you and always being there for you...and you're right, he is a supreme caliber person, one that you should be ashamed of for wanting to abandon him through suicide... but don't you think that he loves you deeply, and maybe even admires you? facing what you have takes extreme courage and fortitude, and if I say so myself, the things about yourself that you curse...are the true marks of beauty... I guarantee you, that if you ignore the worthless rantings of people who only care about common perceptions, and look at soul and spirit, you'll see yourself through Robert's eyes... believe me, if I had someone to tell me this when I was younger....if I could have seen myself the way my loves ones saw me... I would have never even thought about pulling the trigger...you are not alone...you are NEVER alone...and i'll be damned if you're going to let a weakling like me show you up..."
damn, that's such a sad story... -sniff- my eyes really started to well up (something i've never experienced upon reading a furry related story before, or anything for that matter). it makes me sad hearing about other's pains and sorrows, so i really feel for Vincent and Robert, even if I know it's just a story. -sniff and dries my eyes- wonderful story and picture... truly a great work of art
It's important to keep your feet on the ground, een if you store your head in the clouds. Nothing is fantastic if you don't have a reality to make it better.
As a rule, we ground ourselves in being either content or miserable; we define our reality with sadness and depression - but it's those things that make the rare moments all that much more magical. With a past as magnificent as that which the Horse inquestion had, I'd be happy to just wander down memory lane once in a while, without care for the future. Afterall, they botih have each other, and they've both had so much more.
As a rule, we ground ourselves in being either content or miserable; we define our reality with sadness and depression - but it's those things that make the rare moments all that much more magical. With a past as magnificent as that which the Horse inquestion had, I'd be happy to just wander down memory lane once in a while, without care for the future. Afterall, they botih have each other, and they've both had so much more.
This, I can relate to (though not having had anything to do with the pron industry, as a participant).
'Lame horse' indeed.
That poor equine is severely lacking in coping skills, and his life HAS done a complete turn-about from what his aspirations were.
Time to take stock of his strengths, AND 'weaknesses', so that he'll be able to redirect his ambitions, and then find meaning and 'Joy' in living again.
Sounds so succinct, but for those of us who have fallen into that horrible pit of despair/depression, having someone who cares, who's willing to help us step back out of it again, is immeasurably beneficial.
Wonderful art, and Tale, again!
*Nuzzles*
'Lame horse' indeed.
That poor equine is severely lacking in coping skills, and his life HAS done a complete turn-about from what his aspirations were.
Time to take stock of his strengths, AND 'weaknesses', so that he'll be able to redirect his ambitions, and then find meaning and 'Joy' in living again.
Sounds so succinct, but for those of us who have fallen into that horrible pit of despair/depression, having someone who cares, who's willing to help us step back out of it again, is immeasurably beneficial.
Wonderful art, and Tale, again!
*Nuzzles*
I'm going through similar things with my boyfriend. He was never a porn star or anything , but he has been dealing with sickness, and other issues. That and he thinks that he is ugly. It's a cruel world, but some people don't want to bare it any longer. It saddens me just how cruel the world really is. It does make it hard to pull through each day and help keep someone else' spirits up. Thank you for this picture, it was really well done, and the story that came with it.
Sometimes we're not willing to hear the good things about ourselves when we're in dire straits. I know what that's like....
It takes perseverance on the part of our loved ones to show us by their actions how wonderful we are. Only when we can be convinced of our own value again can we begin the process of healing.
There are many people who value me, and for the longest time, I couldn't understand why. At that time, I saw only my flaws (which were many) while overlooking any positive traits I might have had, and only my concern for those who cared for me combined with the fact that I'm apparently very hard to kill kept me from taking my own life. I abused alcohol, and whatever recreational drugs I happened across. I believed myself to be utterly worthless.
Over time I slowly began to explore the perspective of those who valued me; could they be deluding themselves, or was there really something to this? I began to acknowledge, objectively, that I might have some worth, in spite of all of my flaws.
After many years I am finally beginning to accept myself again as a worthy and loveable creature. I am still deeply flawed, and there is a part of me that wishes to remain focused on those flaws, but I am slowly releasing it.
I am willing change into my life.
It doesn't happen overnight. For me, it has been a journey of many long years of banging my head against the same walls until, finally, they gave way and I could see little bits of what was on the other side.
This situation seems like my own experience, in theme though not in details.
It takes perseverance on the part of our loved ones to show us by their actions how wonderful we are. Only when we can be convinced of our own value again can we begin the process of healing.
There are many people who value me, and for the longest time, I couldn't understand why. At that time, I saw only my flaws (which were many) while overlooking any positive traits I might have had, and only my concern for those who cared for me combined with the fact that I'm apparently very hard to kill kept me from taking my own life. I abused alcohol, and whatever recreational drugs I happened across. I believed myself to be utterly worthless.
Over time I slowly began to explore the perspective of those who valued me; could they be deluding themselves, or was there really something to this? I began to acknowledge, objectively, that I might have some worth, in spite of all of my flaws.
After many years I am finally beginning to accept myself again as a worthy and loveable creature. I am still deeply flawed, and there is a part of me that wishes to remain focused on those flaws, but I am slowly releasing it.
I am willing change into my life.
It doesn't happen overnight. For me, it has been a journey of many long years of banging my head against the same walls until, finally, they gave way and I could see little bits of what was on the other side.
This situation seems like my own experience, in theme though not in details.
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