how do you worship someone without touch ,
without slipping into skin , when she walks
into the room , when i’m falling into her eyes ,
off the top of my tongue , i ask how can love
be so big , and so intangible . i’m at your feet ,
feel my head , this is more than body , it’s
photosynthetic , it’s the sun feeding its wild ,
i’m spilling out solar , churn me into sugar ,
sweet , sweet , nourishment . it’s not the
ravishing in heated night , it’s the blatant
blooming , my heart pluming , yearning to
pour over you in light , saying , grow , my love .
grow and bless this earth , the same way
you planted stars in my eyes , each time i look
at you , each time you moved in me without
ever laying a finger on this electric flesh .

dug out the mines , it’s sublime
droppin’ the subliminal , crept steps
inept percept-ions , expect-ions
except-ions , every time the door blew open
you flew upon us , spoken something honest
broken promises , on god , what’s on this
shoulder riding like the storm was ours
and you needed safety , dorming in these arms
your rage dormant , remorse in-exorbitant
warmth performative for your wants
tell me once , you understand the pain
we’ve beared , the wounds speared
the reason you’re leaving pre-grieved , no
goodbye , from either side , the mourning-less
morning in which peace presided
civilians coming out of hiding , into relief

shoot the clock , it’s cocked
mouth against the head , head-locked
press your face against the pane
don’t let the pain out , chew the bullets
it’s just chattering , winter rattling
when you’re dying , don’t let the young see
hollow husk over broken down
lights zip past , like flashes in the mind
pretend you’re okay , why cut them too
cut tin , curt exit , curtail some desperate
desire of normalcy , curtain , it’s not fallen yet
we’re still dancing , frantic , frenzied
but only to ourselves , just this life
then the next , the next , the next
the next , until we’re free

carpet littered white crinkled critters
soft and quiet in their fallen sleep
lights outside licorice spun around the tree
while my mouthed fog fades in and out
a dream i cannot wake from
in the dark final sparks sputter smatter
heart shatter home batter
i’ve lost before but this is a beating
fleeting misleading mistreating why keep
feeding the biter it’s fight or flight or
time to cut the tie it’s too tiring
to love someone who doesn’t see the
blood fresh just ghost memory
tonight i’m dying overdosed on grief
maybe tomorrow it’ll matter

lime sun dropped road crags
fists thumped air , & the man de-masked
at the trespass of death’s suggest .
he plumed with the breadth god given
& though i could not cool his assailment ,
i breath-ed a prayer so diffuse & inaudible
that his heart be held soft in its rock .
neither did i want to cradle my self golden -
for my limbs drew limp , my mind hazed
& my hands weighed the morsel of infinite-ness
that spills their self everywhere ,
fragile steeped in the untouchable .
never again would i treat life so light
though every fragment of what was is forgiven .
there is only the ever-turning now
as roads crag on lime lifted ,
the murky brewing beneath the sky’s tongue ,
our fates twined if not for divine absolve-tion .
it is with this tremor-induced love i go on .

stop all this shoutin’ , this screamin’
& hollerin’ - can’t you see we’re just here
to scuff a little , cry a little , break down
this body ‘til it’s brittle & blowin’ away
in the wind . if you were me , & i were him ,
by god you’d see we’re all just the same ,
payin’ our dues , colorin’ over our blues ,
lookin’ for something eternal when
everything slips through the cracks in
our hands . it’s here - it’s here ,
bigger than all this skin , drop all your mind -
when you let go , you’ll see you were
never even holding on to anything ;
you weren’t even anything , just the moment ,
you were just the space between the time .

god is in the blood , in the soul
in every beauty & every terror
it’s all-permeating , & when i go to sleep
at night i surrender
i remember that everything is okay
& there is no ultimate death
only finding our way back home
we’re going to go home
back to where we came from
where there is nothing but oneness
& peace .

life is so heavy
when we were sitting there all in red
the sun beating down on our diamond heads
a savior breeze passed between sweat palms
our hearts beating as one with every
resounding cry , cheer , chuckle
i felt my heart sinking in its hammock
across my ribs
it felt like this moment , this series of moments
would be forever etched into my life
& it was so sad & so sweet & like the sky
could split open & swallow me
& it wouldn’t feel any different
i wanted you near , all the loves of my life
& i wanted to say just be with me
& we don’t have to talk about all the ways
we hurt each other ,
let’s just be here , & laugh , & smile
with tears in our eyes
over how much life beat us up &
how many times it made us fall in love
enamored with every passing day
i hope you know i love you , & still love you
even & especially when i don’t say it
know you are in my heart ,
always .

it’s the simple things , really
the sun setting , casting the backyard
green & orange & yellow .
it’s good music playing in the moonlight ,
it’s watching tv on the couch with
the people you love .
it’s loving your reflection , oil bubbling
in the pan , a smile given away .
life is hard , but it is also beautiful -
& i know i’ll try to get better every day
at recognizing that , & holding it
inside me . holding it until i can look
at the world , & look at myself ,
& know that i have enough love -
& the world has enough love -
to carry me through .

tonight i’m blinded by the moonlight .
the night blows in through the open window
& maybe i could scrape off all this stardust -
i blazed so far , & all i wanted is to
sleep somewhere safe , & loved .
i know i want so badly to escape
i thought i could get free this time ,
i thought i could go somewhere new
find someone else to love ,
but i’m just here . here , again , & again .
one day i’ll get there , it’s as close as the moon -
just wait for me .

We’re gonna make it.

We’re gonna make it.

But this moment is gonna take forever.

So let’s take forever.

miss baby blue
there’s a world out there for you
i know i never was ready
& maybe neither were you
but you starbursted this boy’s heart
& that has been more than enough
i know magic & love still exist
it’s in the tongues , the eyes
the stupid , beautiful things we say & do
& how i’d never make this into
something it isn’t
but for little moments i loved you
the way the ocean loves its pearls
crawling out to the beach
to leave them gifted in sand

i’ve seen this sunset a million times
but i don’t think this neighborhood street
ever looked so quiet .
this orange light’s my green one ,
steel lollipop glowing across the yard .
feels like the heart of childhood -
& there’s one star in the sky that’s soon
to slumber , & i just stand here
from the kitchen window ,
trying to reconcile the pull of memory
& the pull of escape
into somewhere where nothing knows
my name , except the head on this body .
the dusk falls so quickly ,
& when there is no one around
all i think of is you , & the ticking bomb
in my fingers , & wondering if
seeing you again would set it off
or if i’d rather swallow it than
hear your voice again .
i know the question , but i’m afraid of
the answer ,
so forgive me if all this dusk does
is fill me with longing i’d rather let be
than to drop it in anticipation
of the shatter .

we gotta get the hell out of this hometown
trade away our old clothes , hope they find
some new skin to cling to , tow away the
wreckage that night we spun through
the rain , headlights whirling , & the way
i laughed like god was running through
my veins . fuck these woods , these bricks ,
the field of grass that i’d always drive
past to get to your house .

i didn’t eat tonight . the lights were too
bright in the pizzeria , & dad played
songs of the past , & the moment the
house went quiet i cried into my hands ,
because nothing was ever going to be
the same again , & i didn’t want to
come home anymore .

i just hear the echoes of being a thousand
miles away trying to let you go ,
& the letters never replied to , & how
springtime just holds the corrupted
memory of you , & how i desperately
need to write over it something new .

something that proves i can still love ,
& still be loved , & not just push the edges
of this cratered heart further & further .
God , i trust You , & my chest heaves
in surrender , though my fists still are
learning how to unclench , my teeth
grit tight to what i know no longer exists .

i’m loyal to the end , & i’ve accepted
that i’ll always be the one to be left ,
but promise me this , that there is still
love for me out there . i know there is ,
& that is why i will still fall asleep tonight ,
to meet the sun in the morning
& try to take it into my bones , my breath
like this is the only way i can keep going .

look for the orange light ,
& you’ll know that i’ll be there .
from the streetlamp outside my
bedroom window , to the salt rock
glowing inside , to the lights
when the band played my favorite
song , & i only knew how to cry -
springtime feels awfully like
the skin of something between a
dream , and a fairytale ;
a memory , & the tip of my tongue
barely tasting , time .
i’ve ridden in a million cars ,
seen the sun set from the kitchen
a million times more ,
& i’d never ask to freeze that moment ,
like an ice cube snapshot that’d
never melt , but
if it just lingered a little longer than
it was meant to ,
i wouldn’t mind .
just an extra half second longer
for what was only meant to be a second -
give me that
it’s enough .