Fuck you, I want a hippopotamus for Christmas

Sometimes reading Arthuriana feels like reading Alice in Wonderland.

“Well,” said Alice, “these are a dreadfully strange assortment of objects!”

“They all symbolize different aspects of Our Lord’s martyrdom,” said the Fisher King, casting a line into his teacup.

“Indeed. I am sure everything symbolizes something else, for if everything was only itself I should be very confused. Might I ask what the point of the bleeding lance is?”

Alice regretted asking the question as soon as she had done so, for she saw the pun that would likely be made about the word point. Instead, however, the room erupted in applause and shouts of “The Grail! She has achieved the Grail!”

The next castle she visited, Alice resolved to herself as the inhabitants of this one danced for joy, would be more sensible.

Or I could do this with The Knight of the Cart.

“Which shall you choose?” asked the guardian. “The underwater bridge or the sword bridge?”

“Both sound dreadful,” said Alice. “I think I’ll just float the cart across.”

The guardian sputtered so hard his helmet broke.

“You cannot ride in a cart to rescue a queen!”

“I don’t see why not,” said Alice, growing cross. “It can’t be worse than abducting a queen.”

“Oh, much worse! For to abduct a Queen is wicked but heard of, while to save he on a cart is virtuous and unheard of.”

“Oh, tosh!” said Alice, floating the cart.

“If you cut my head off,” said the Green Knight, “then in a year and a day, I shall cut off yours.”

“Certainly not!” said Alice.  “For if you can survive such a blow, it would be quite unfair to me, and if you cannot, then I will have killed a man over a silly game!”

“Silly games are the most important thing in the world,” said the Green Knight, “for it is after them that we judge honor.”

Alice thought to herself that if this was honor, adults could keep it.

In honor of a thing that keeps popping up in Arthurian novels I read…

“You have nothing to fear,” said the robber knight, “for you are traveling alone. Everyone knows a knight may not attack a maiden alone, but only a maiden traveling with a knightly protector!”

“That can’t possibly be a law,” said Alice. “Camelot is absurd, but not that absurd.”

“It is not a law, but a custom.” The robber knight sounded as if he were lecturing a fool, which Alice felt was very unfair of him. “Customs are far more important than laws, for laws may change, but customs never do.”

Alice didn’t think that was true, but she would not argue the point.

“What about attacking a knight?” she asked. “Can someone attack a lone knight, or only a knight traveling with a maiden?”

“One may attack a knight any time and under any circumstance. That is the meaning of the word ‘knight’- he can be attacked by day or by knight!”

With the understanding that, as a maiden traveling alone, she might attack the knight and he could not return the attack, Alice picked up a handful of rocks from the ground and began to throw them at him. She was not generally an unruly child, but everyone has their limits.

Imagine if there was someone using they/them pronouns and every time someone asks them why they do that, like isn't that a plural, they just look at the asker with the most deadpan expression and say "my parents were really poor when I was growing up. They couldn't afford to get us all our own pronouns so me and my siblings all had to share."

Counterpoint:

“Why do you go by they/them?”

“They’re hand-me-downs from my cousins.”

okay this one I just still really love unironically

cinema

Comedy Gold

Please elaborate in the tags! My personal favorite 'bad' smell is chlorine because it reminds me of summers spent at the pool.

inspired by boop day, reblog this post if its ok for people to send you random asks and interact on your posts with no judgement. i want to talk to people.

I GOT A FUCKING RAISE THE POTATO WORKED WTF

This potato works. Every. Fucking. Time.

Reblogging because it’s a damn potato and I want to encourage people to assume potatoes are magical.

Reblogging so I can finally GET A JOB

Cannot Stress Enough how important it is to read Howl’s Moving Castle written by Diana Wynn Jones immediately after watching Howl’s Moving Castle directed by Hayao Miyazaki. When he made the movie he was of course upset with war and thus included it in the film, but you gotta understand. You really Gotta Understand. Every time in the movie where Howl turns the door dial black to travel to an absolutely hellish warscape? You know where that same dial takes him in the book? The Real World Country Of Wales

He goes to his sister’s house to play rugby and have a drink with his mates. His sister is like “you fucking loser get a JOB” and Howell is like “I have a job, I’m a wizard!” And she’s like “FUCK OFF”

It gets better:

Not only is Howel Jenkins from Wales, he's from Wales...

IN THE 80S

He actually magics his clothes, Sophie's, and MICHAEL'S clothes. So, Sophie is an old lady wearing a tracksuit! In Wales! And she's just like, "this is strange."

Oddly specific. Got a deposit for 6,837 today

fuck it, i never ever do those “reblog for X, this one really works!” posts, but this one doesn’t have any of that BS, this is just straight up wishing us good things; and then the comment doesn’t even say any of that either. Zero claims on this post, all positive vibes

May you end this week feeling ever more certain of a future you’ll love

Could use some cash

good things will happen 🧿

things that are meant to be will fall into place 🧿

THIS ONE FUCKING WORKS. REBLOG IT.

Okay I reblogged and got into the entrepreneurship program I wanted. This WORKS

I POSTET THIS HALF AN HOUR BEFORE MY JOB INTERVIEW AND I GOT THE JOB OH MY GOD

I have been waiting all year to post this.

omg

This has been in my queue for months.

I missed it last year and I vowed that would NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

YES

omg i didnt reblog this last year!

The Day is here. :)

YOU hates terfs

rb if u hates terfs

what does your choice of words say about you?

As an immortal you thought you would be alone for the rest of eternity. Until you find a friend who reincarnates the instant they die. You both see it as a game. Every time they die you have to find them. This time on their death bed they promise to make you really work for it.

I watched as her heart monitor slowed to a flat line; alerting the hospital staff of her condition. I was forced out of the room by a nurse for more room. However, I was thinking of her last words. What did she have in mind? It didn’t surprise me that she could pick what she would be for her next life; she only had these options once death comes for each life. I’m well aware of this ability, so I thought about her possibilities. I continued to think about her as I proceeded through the usual routine of going to her funeral and comforting her family. Side note aside, I always had to dance around any of her families since I was sadly cursed with a kid-like complexion. Luckily we have all the times in the world to come up with a system.

As life went on, I searched and searched for my friend. I thought about her words; looks like she really thought about this one. I decided to go to my favorite place, the beach where we first met all those centuries ago. I always come here to gather my thoughts and write my stories. I sometimes go down memory lane here as well. I gazed out onto the ocean; thinking of my friend. She means so much to me. I thought of how my life would lead to me being alone till she proved me wrong by simply existing. My train of thought was interrupted by a scream as I watched a kid get yeeted into the water by a family member. I smiled at the scene; a small moment I get to witness. I scanned the beach again before seeing a crab. It was such a small thing that I would’ve thought it was a pebble if it wasn’t moving. Then I saw a sea gull trying to aim for it.

I felt a rage against the bird. I stomped over to where the sea gull was still trying to get the crab, and grabbed the bird’s neck the best I could. It squawked at me, and in my brightest moment, I squawked back before throwing the sea gull into the air. I scooped up the crab and ran to the sea. I didn’t really take note that it didn’t try to snap at me. I throw the crab in the water before trying to fight the diving sea gull. I managed to get it off me, then made my way home.

Time goes on and I’m still looking for this bitch. I don’t know how long it’s been since her last death. I started to get darker thoughts that maybe I will be alone this time. Maybe that was her last life but she felt bad for leaving me; subconsciously telling me to move on from her. I hoped that wasn’t it. I had to get out of my head enough for me to do my job. I may be in a constant state of being a young adult, I still need a job in any society. Right now, I’m working as a librarian. I was approached by a young girl, one of my regulars name Yvonne. Yvonne smiled as she skipped to the front desk that I sat behind. “Hello, Mr. Miss!” She greeted. “Hello, Yvonne. Here to check out a book? I saved the last book of ‘A Series of Unfortunate Events’ just for you.” I said as I bent down to grabbed the book in question. However I was stopped when the 10 year old laid an envelope on the desk. She was still smiling. I eyed the pink envelope covered in fairy stickers before going back to the rather smug look this kid had. I opened the letter slowly, watching Yvonne practically vibrate where she stood. I scanned the letter:

“Dear Mr. Basil,

I won that round, you absolute moron! Hahaha! Remember the crab you saved that sea gull? That was me and you didn’t even know! I beat you!

Love your past friend, Liv.”

I stared at the letter with eyes as best as saucers. Yvonne practically busted a gut laughing; drawing attention to everyone in the library. Her older sister and mother came over to try and calm her down. I put my head into my hands as I felt my cheeks turn red in embarrassment. She truly did win that round; that little stinker. “I’m so sorry, Miss Starnes, I don’t know what got into her.” Her current mother apologized. “No no, I just said something stupid and she apparently found it funny. Or rather, my expression to said stupid thing.” I said, trying to will the red away. I handed Yvonne/Liv her saved book as she calmed down. “Thank you for the book and making my day.” She said as she walked off with her family. I know for certain that she will laugh at me for that for all eternity as long as we both live. I smiled though. “As long as we both shall live…”

@glorioustimemachine what do you think about this? XD

Nice to know I give you a run for your money

since the old version of this post was flagged for 'adult content'...

reblog this post if your account is a trans safe space or owned by a trans person!

along with that, reblog if your account is a trans non-binary spectrum safe space or owned by someone on the trans enby spectrum!