I’m not a good person.

I donate blood and plasma because it gives my body something concrete to focus on, when my mind won’t stop.

I’m not a cool person.

I get tattoos because pain has a beginning and an end, and feelings don’t.

I don’t hurt myself. I just keep choosing ways to feel less.

Right now, that’s all I am seeking.

It's unbelievable how 10 years have flown by with this app.

I’m still struggling with life. It’s hard to believe it’s been ten years since I started living on my own. Back then, I was just a kid who thought independence meant freedom. I opened this account during endless midnight bus rides home through heavy snow, believing that if I endured long enough, something better would eventually meet me on the other side.

Ten years have passed, and nothing arrived. Freedom turned out to be something you pay for every day, quietly and alone. I learned how to survive, but not how to feel secure, not how to rest. The kid I was kept waiting for life to begin, and somehow I became the adult who never caught up to that promise.

I’ve spent a decade moving forward without ever feeling like I arrived anywhere. The world kept going, people found their paths, and I stayed stuck in the space between hope and exhaustion. If this was the cost of freedom, I paid it in full, and I’m still left uncertain, still tired, still afraid that the future has nothing waiting for me at all.

I'm stressed.

I'm hopeless.

I don't know why it ended up this way. Hope everything will be fine, next week I will know the final decision.

Everybody has their own anxiety, their own stresses, so I don't take my thing as a real thing; I refuse. I'm stubborn, and I will keep my mind strong for whatever I believe.

I desperately want to talk, but I don't have anyone, and I don't think they will understand my feelings at this point.

I don't know what to do.

I'm so numb that I want to hurt myself.

Jan 2026

A year has passed since my last post, a whole new experience that I never thought I could do. In three more years, we'll see how it's going. It either ends on September 28 or goes strong for another 4 or 6 years. Don't know yet; everything is still vague at the moment, and new stress comes up every week. All I need to do is build my resistance, be more disciplined, and keep my goals straight to the destination that I want to go.

July 25 (mid-summer of the heat in Texas)

People you want and time can’t wait for you; that’s reality. So hurry up, pack your life, and move towards your goals. It’s understandable that people move out of your circle since they can’t wait for you, so don’t be upset. You start late, so it’s a type of penalty of the reality that you should acknowledge.

Everything will be okay at the end of the path, so please keep your head up.

Don’t be disappointed when those things happen. We all know those people are part of why we join the path, but they don't know, and they don't care about it since they have their own lives to take responsibility for, so it's okay; we can’t force them to stay on your side and wait until you succeed.

Let them go, and your thinking as well. We all change at some point; let time heal it.

People usually say it takes a significant amount of time to become a doctor. But tuned out after a while, you waste your time after graduation, trying to survive without a glimpse of hope; you realize it’s not that long. You see that if you do not waste all that year living but not living without the soul, you can be just a regular doctor. Times are flying, and if you don’t use it, life will hit you hard at some point in your realization.

Question: why was your soul dead? Can it live again? Don’t live like that. Try to live the life you dream of even a bit. Life is short and long. Please don’t use all the resources we have as invisible; make yourself worth it. We can’t blame our existence; therefore, ignore all the abuse and make yourself love yourself.

I thought SG had trained me to become a soldier for the next coming back. But it turned out that my weak and anxious self was coming back now. I have no choice. I need to train harder this last month.

It's not because of close-knit people. It's just the culture; how society works here pulls me back. I wouldn't say I love this country, but I would say I respect it and would like to live with it longer in my adolescence. However, whatever I want right now, I must go back to the “hell” place first to finish all undone business and then decide.

I just, just don’t want to go back, but I don’t have other choices. I hope tomorrow, this anxiety will let go of me, and I can comfortably go back there.

30 days left before I go back to that place.

I know four more weeks left is really a lot but for me time is ticking. I don’t want to go back that place but there is nothing better than that. Lots of people are hungrily for that but for me it’s where my anxiety reaches to the peak whenever I return.

I hope that in five more years, I can leave freely without regret. It may be your “A Dream,” but for me, it’s hell; please don’t judge from your view; I’m already hurt.

“If I don't go back, what should I do now since I don't have anything now?” said anxious self.

I don’t love my current phase, but I don’t try to ignore/ avoid it like I did in the past. I am trying my best to embrace it as much as I can so that I will have a glimpse of light in the near future.

Remind self: don’t compare, don’t be jealous, be prepared, and most importantly, be yourself and be conscious.

I don’t understand why people have backgrounds sit in the AC with the proudest face ever while people like me work my ass off to be existed in their view.

It’s not fair we all know but will it ever be fair in this society.

I am not jealous; I’m just curious and still trying my best to build the “background” with my hand.

“Try hard for once, and let it decides your path. But please don't stop initially; you never know if you don’t try.”