Comedy Quotes

“To be a philosopher, just reverse everything you have ever been told...and have a sense of humor doing it.”
― Criss Jami, Killosophy

“What's happened is somewhere, along the line, as a society, we confused the notion of 'home' with the possibility of 'an investment opportunity'. What kind of creature wants to live in an 'investment opportunity'? Only man.

The fox has his den. The bee has his hive. The stoat, has, uh... his stoat-hole... but only man chooses to make his nest in an investment opportunity. Mmm, snuggled down in the lovely credit! All warm, in the mortgage payment, mmmmm...”
― Stewart Lee

“There are a lot of questions I keep asking myself about why I do comedy. I guess I laugh to keep from crying. And I guess if you ever get me crying, I might not stop. This is the way I look at tragedy or else I'll cry.”
― Bob Newhart

“And if that weren't bad enough, the next sound he heard was a loud click.
The damned woman had locked him out. She'd taken all the food and locked him out.
"You'll pay for this!" he yelled at the door.
"Do be quiet," came the muffled reply. "I'm eating.”
― Julia Quinn, To Catch an Heiress

“Ms. Fang is the nicest, sweetest teacher at Scary School. She only ate twelve kids last year.”
― Derek The Ghost, Scary School

“DEATH
. . .
And now you are here to fight for this woman.
You know her promise is given.
She has to die or her husband won't go free.

APOLLO
Relax, I'm not breaking any laws.

DEATH
Why the bow, if you're breaking no laws?

APOLLO
I always carry a bow, it's my trademark.”
― Anne Carson, Grief Lessons: Four Plays by Euripides

“In comedy laughter settles all arguments.”
― Robert McKee, Story: Substance, Structure, Style, and the Principles of Screenwriting

“It is the custom on the stage: in all good, murderous melodramas: to present the tragic and the comic scenes, in as regular alternation, as the layers of red and white in a side of streaky, well-cured bacon. The hero sinks upon his straw bed, weighed down by fetters and misfortunes; and, in the next scene, his faithful but unconscious squire regales the audience with a comic song. We behold, with throbbing bosoms, the heroine in the grasp of a proud and ruthless baron: her virtue and her life alike in danger; drawing forth a dagger to preserve the one at the cost of the other; and, just as our expectations are wrought up to the highest pitch, a whistle is heard: and we are straightway transported to the great hall of the castle: where a grey-headed seneschal sings a funny chorus with a funnier body of vassals, who are free of all sorts of places from church vaults to palaces, and roam about in company, carolling perpetually.

Such changes appear absurd; but they are not so unnatural as they would seem at first sight. The transitions in real life from well-spread boards to death-beds, and from mourning weeds to holiday garments, are not a whit less startling; only, there, we are busy actors, instead of passive lookers-on; which makes a vast difference. The actors in the mimic life of the theatre, are blind to violent transitions and abrupt impulses of passion or feeling, which, presented before the eyes of mere spectators, are at once condemned as outrageous and preposterous.”
― Charles Dickens, Oliver Twist

“Being less discriminative shouldn't mean protecting nasty people, then discriminating against the innocent”
― James Perrin, The Occasional Swearing Of Politician Perrin

“Check my riddle, and I’ll let you play my fiddle.”
― Zack Love, Sex in the Title: A Comedy about Dating, Sex, and Romance in NYC

“It always pisses me off when I’m calling in to some Morning Zoo radio show to promote God-only-knows what—probably this book, so get ready, I’m comin’—when the DJ actually tries to convince me that there are as many female comics as male ones. Cue hypermasculine Morning Zoo Hacky McGee voice: “So Kath, I don’t know what you chicks are always complaining about.” To which I respond: “Really? Why don’t you call your local comedy club and ask for the Saturday night lineup? I guarantee you the male to female ratio is going to be about nine to one. You dick-wad.”
― Kathy Griffin, Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin

“Few people actually read. Instead, everyone likes pretending they read. If we spent as much time reading as we say we do, we'd be grossly overweight and depressed.”
― Dan Wilbur, How Not to Read: Harnessing the Power of a Literature-Free Life

“Your boss loves your ideas ... it's you he doesn't care about.”
― Steven Charles

“Oh. Well was this your first time painting a live model?”
She nodded her head, with an almost guilty look on her face.
“What’s it like?”
“Hard,” she replied.”
― Zack Love, Sex in the Title: A Comedy about Dating, Sex, and Romance in NYC

“Holly was staring at me. "Who were you talking to just then?"
"No one! You!"
"I don't believe you."
"Look, does it really matter right now?"
"If we're going to be working together, Lucy...."
"Oh, hell! All right! I'll tell you! It's an evil haunted skull that lives in my backpack! Happy, now?”
― Jonathan Stroud, The Hollow Boy

“Staring at my smoldering hot date, her husband stands tall for the first time in a decade, adjusting his toupee while flashing a horrid green toothy grin that looks more like a Steven Hawkins muscle spasm. In his hands, a frightened beer bottle is choked with the steel grip of a sexually repressed Preacher.”
― Brett Tate

“I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.”
― craig ferguson

“With him big Phil from Notting Hill an old "face" from the sixties a pin up gangster with a "mars bar" weal scraping his left cheek and of course two "wag" slags in tow trussed up like French Poodles with "Bratz babe" stares and Gucci Handbags”
― Saira Viola, Slide, a Modern Satire on the Excess of Greed

“Aryans?" I asked, thinking I must have heard the word incorrectly.
Christian and Allie nodded.
"Aryans as in white supremacist, those sorts of Aryans?"
"Yes," Christian said.
"Neo-Nazis?" My mind was having a hard time grasping the idea of a power-hungry vampire leading an army of Hitler's Youth. "Skinheads and their ilk?"
"Hasi, what is it you find so unbelievable?" Adrian asked, a smile in his voice.
"Oh, I don't know. I guess I just expected that any army Saer raised would be… you know… the evil undead." Everyone just looked at me. "Oh, yeah, I guess you're right. Neo-Nazis are more or less the evil undead. Right. So we have Saer about to attack at any moment with a bunch of goose-stepping Nazis. Great. Anyone here do a really good Winston Churchill impression?”
― Katie MacAlister, Sex, Lies and Vampires

“Taking his hand I said "Fank woo."
"Hm " he laughed with his mouth closed.”
― Jennifer Echols, Endless Summer

“Meeting a vampire is kind of like a celebrity sighting, but where the celebrity possibly wants to kill you.”
― Adrianne Ambrose, Fangs for Nothing

“Never let other people bring you down let Jesus be the one who brings you down, because he knows what he is doing”
― Skye Daphne, The Silent Castle

“When my mother passed away several years ago—well, wait a minute. Actually, she didn’t ‘pass away.’ She died. Something about that verb, ‘to pass away’ always sounds to me as if someone just drifted through the wallpaper. No, my mother did not pass away. She definitely died.”
― Steve Allen, How to Be Funny

“Oooh, dinner and a show! How come you never take us to dinner and a show?"
He smiled at Roxy. "I would spend the entire evening fending off the hordes of your admirers."
She fanned herself and grinned back at him. "You gotta love all that suave debonairness!”
― Katie MacAlister, Sex and the Single Vampire

“In the center of the room Sarra the demon hung upside down by one leg, its arms bound behind its back, its suit scuffed-looking. Beneath it, crawling around an intricately scribed circle, a woman with short, curly red hair drew binding symbols with a gold stick.

She looked up as I fanned away the smoke that was billowing up from the crack in the tile. "You're a Summoner. Hullo. I'm Noelle. Did you know that you have mismatched eyes?"

I walked around the demon. It glared at me. "Yes, I know. Why do you have Sarra strung up by one leg?"

She drew another symbol. It flared bright green as soon as the stick lifted from the circle. "It was getting a bit stroppy with me. The Hanged Man always teaches them a few manners. It's retaliating with the smoke. Are those spirits I saw yours, then?"

"Yes, they are. There are four others as well. I hate to be a bother, but I'm in a bit of a hurry, what with Christian being held by this one's master and all, so if you could possibly just give me the abbreviated version of what's going on here, I'll be on my way to rescue him."

She leaned back on her heels and sucked the tip of her gold stick. "Asmodeus, eh?"

The demon snarled. A chunk of ceiling fell behind me. We both ignored it. It just never does to give a demon the satisfaction of knowing it's startled you.

"It's a nasty bag of tricks, but I heard through the demonic grapevine that it was weakened and searching for a suitable sacrifice to regain its power," she added.

"Well, it can't have Christian; he's mine. Back to the demon, if you don't mind…"

She looked up at Sarra, still sucking the stick. "It's a pretty specimen, isn't it? I like the hair gel. Nice touch. The mustache is a bit much, though, don't you think? Makes it look so smarmy."

"Um…"

"I'm destroying it, so I suppose it really doesn't matter."

I blinked and avoided two wine bottles as they flew out of a rack when the demon hissed at the Guardian.”
― Katie MacAlister, Sex and the Single Vampire

“We have had this discussion before. You are my son. I love you. I will always love you. But I also love Nell, and if you give her the chance and stop rejecting her advances, she will take you into her heart as well."
"Oh, yeah, like he's going to allow me to do that," I muttered”
― Katie MacAlister, Sex, Lies and Vampires

“You know, you can always do a three some.”
“A three some?” I frowned. “No.”
He shrugged. “Just a thought.”
“Yeah, a dumb one,” I spat.
“Hey! I didn’t call your idea to re-wallpaper the kitchen a dumb idea!”
“You have a problem with the new paper?” I demanded.
“Pop, please, it’s hideous,” Trick said.”
― Kira4Inu, The Masochist

“Gabrielle chuckled, her dark eyes twinkling. “So he’s been after you, has he? Poor Etta, pursued by a sun priest offering to pleasure—”

“Every nook and cranny,” Marietta interrupted dryly and Gabrielle tipped her head back with a throaty laugh.”
― Michelle O'Leary, The Lover's Gift Regained

“Before we left home, my hair had already started to fall apart. I decided to pull it into a bun high on my head and attach one of those fake hair things that look like a nest of cute curls. I slapped a tiara on my head and was good to go. I had my weave, my girdle, and my tiara. I was ready to party!”
― Mollie Gross, Confessions of a Military Wife

“Peter and Jessie were like Romeo and Juliet. Have you ever seen that old movie? Starring Leonardo Dicaprio?”
― Adele Griffin, Tighter