I just ate noodles with monster energy poured in with the boiling water and dipped several carrots in it. I now know god personally.

My mother greeted me with a N*zi salute, then said that her german heritage was 'coming out'.

This is my 13th reason.

Who though this was a good idea

Am I about to get a 'coolness in translations' lesson from a fucking twink?

I will now be pulling my purple jorts up so high I get camel toe because my legs are sunburnt and I don't want my clothes to touch it

My neighbour usually comes over for dinner and my mother was talking to her about random shit and then all of the sudden asks "Do you think your son watches porn?"😨😨

She then followed it up by talking about walking into my brother room and asking if he was watching porn?? And he said "only at night"????

My brother has assulted me because "no one wears jeans to bed". Why is he so offended?

My mothers partner just said he thinks the way the word piss "rolls off my tounge" is nice???

So, my name is being put forward by academic higher ups for a scholarship worth $25,000???

WHAT DID I DO IM A DUMBASS HOW???

WHY IS VICE PRINCIPAL FROM MY SCHOOL IN MY HOUSE??

My mother just called me MEAT-MIXER???

Wtf😭

I was eating dinner with my family and then, OUT OF NO WHERE???

Me: "Isnt a quole a type of bird?"

My stupid aaah brother: "No, that's a rat. Your talking about a queer"

WHAT?

My mother just identified a mark on the toilet door and said i did it because "you have cute toes". ..?

W H A T ?

Forgot what puss is called earlier so i called it "internal injury cream" FML💀

SOMEONE HELP ME I JUST ACCIDENTALLY SENT THE WRONG PERSON A TEXT THAT SAID "Hey room temperature milk🤗💕" IM GOING TO KMS

So my family just peer pressured me to eat vegemite mixed with tomato sauce. Straight. WHO WAS GOING TO TELL ME ITS KINDA GOOD?