wakes you up at 6am every day to train before school
pulls your ear when you’re being a shit. does the one finger shake in your face while he lectures you
knows every other dad at the dim sum restaurant, somehow, every time
remembers all their names and all their kids’ names and what they’re studying in school
your friends love him
tells your friends lots of embarrassing shit about you
never coddles you until you’re sick, then won’t leave you the hell alone
you swear he brews your herbal medicine more bitter + disgusting than it needs to be on purpose
will never give you allowance and indignantly asks what you even need money for every time you talk about it
bad presents. it’s always fucking socks or a screwdriver or something
stands and watches you doing homework
ETA: you can try to text on the dl. but he knows. he smacks the phone out of your hands.
interrogates all the partners you ever bring over (but waits until you’re out of the room to do it)
bad cop
baze:
good cop
constantly talking shit in mandarin around non-mandarin speakers
secretly spoils ya when chirrut isn’t around
your friends are terrified of him
gets you + your friends to stand on his back when he does pushups
buys cheap stuff in bulk. ‘you don’t know when it’ll be on sale again’
interrogates all the partners you ever bring over (but you can tell exactly what he thinks of them because he’s staring you dead in the eyes while he does it)
doesn’t care how well you’re doing in school except that you’re doing better than that next door kid whose parents he hates
incense burning all the time in the kitchen and bathroom
dumpling making machine. hand-minces the meat with a bigass cleaver
always trying new recipes from the cooking channel
PDA all the time. both you and chirrut are lowkey embarrassed but you’re used to it by now
ask him anytime for a piggyback ride and he’ll give it to ya
me:*makes a joke on a mutual’s post* heh heh THIS’ll give em a chortle
me after a minute without them acknowledging it: oh my god im a fucking fraud piece of shit im not funny im a disgrace in human form why do i even have followers
mutual:*likes and reblogs, adding “SNDHISBGNDSBBNLJG” or “FUCK” or something like that to the tags*
me:*in a deep, empowered, big-dicked voice that splits the continent in half and reveals a massive trove of gems and jewels that enhance the earth’s splendor immeasurably*
My name is Funnymandias, king of jokes: Look on my blog, ye Mighty, and despair!
