# ILYA ROZANOV IS A COMEDIAN  

1.06 (shane is right where he wants to be)

You know that the Preservation online theatre community is so grateful for the anonymous user that posts high-quality bootleg theatre performances with multiple? camera angles

#ok wait. Now I'm thinking about it#I'm not sure they'd even have the concept of 'bootleg' tapings or restricting tapings#Because the 'we need to get Paid/we have a bunch of unions working here' complicated reasons#That make legal recordings of shows so rare irl#Don't apply on Preservation. So all taped versions are just normal

Do you think SecUnit ever sees the official video releases of popular theater productions and gets irritated that the cinematography is inadequate and anonymously sends them a bunch of high-quality drone footage and a sarcastic message.

It totally would!

An interesting question though is whether constructs and humans have the same criteria for 'good cinematography'. Like it's not (just) that Murderbot has higher standards and access to better equipment but that it actually processes information differently, and a recording intended to be enjoyable to constructs would have to be optimised along different parameters than one intended for human viewing.

Genuinely hilarious concept. It records a performance Ratthi wanted to see but couldn't get to that evening, edits together a great single video using all the different angles from its multiple drones, and sends the file over. Two days later, it runs into Ratthi and alludes to the play, indicating it wouldn't mind discussing it.

But, while Ratthi thanks it profusely for getting him a copy, he's at a loss for words on how to discuss the play itself.

To say the recording was "unwatchable" is a stretch, but there were... so many scenes where he couldn't see anyone's facial expressions bc SecUnit had decided that the most important thing happening on the stage at the moment were physiological cues and body language — a shot of a perspiring temple, nervous foot scraping, fingers twitching minutely in anger though draped seemingly in a relaxed posture next to the actor's thighs — details impossible for a human audience to appreciate from their seats, but clearly to SecUnit revealed motives, suggesting intentions, foreshadowing later developments.

In several places, the audio has clearly been choked, with a superimposed sound to indicate tension, as SecUnit zoomed in on these small details, indicating the physiological symptoms were more important to the story than what was being said out loud. Whole swaths of dialogue and monologue are lost to this treatment. There's a couple scenes where furniture is being dragged or pushed by actors for dramatic emphasis of their monologue except the camera is fixated exclusively on the furniture, not the actor — once, very memorably, zooming in impossibly close on the grain of a wood chair where it had long ago splintered slightly around the worn and discolored screw that had been driven into it during assembly.

There's even superimposed biometric data in some pivotal moments, showing the pulse rates, hydration levels, and body temperature of all participants on the stage. The reason this data was included in those particular scenes is not something that can be guessed from context. Not by a human, at least.

All in all, it's fascinating insight into the head of a construct, or... this particular construct, at least. And Ratthi recognizes that, values that, and has already scheduled a movie night with Bharadwaj for a rewatch. He's feeling pretty giddy about seeing the look on her face when she realizes what she's looking at. In fact, as a piece of art in and of itself, the film is making incredible innovations in storytelling. But the original play itself... Ratthi could barely follow what the hell was happening. What? Who? Why?

"Loved it, SecUnit. Love me some drama. I hope I get to go to the next one with you in person."

When Ratthi finally sees the same performance two months later (brought back to the stage for a couple nights by popular demand), he's straight up shocked by how, despite the ~similar outcome of the plot, the mood and tone are wildly different. SecUnit's arthouse, avant garde film had been a whole different genre from the play it had recorded, as well as several magnitudes more suspenseful and intricate in interplay.

On his way out, Ratthi runs into Bharadwaj, who he hadn't known was also in the audience that night. They just... stare... at each other. Both can read the thought clearly in the other's eyes:

shane: since our rookie season

ilya: i didn’t set up an ad campaign with the two of us together, call you pretty, tease you in the shower, and then almost get caught by your mom in the elevator for you to get our anniversary wrong. since summer before, shane

Legolas pretty quickly gets in the habit of venting about his travelling companions in Elvish, so long as Gandalf & Aragorn aren’t in earshot they’ll never know right?

Then about a week into their journey like

Legolas: *in Elvish, for approximately the 20th time* ugh fucking hobbits, so annoying

Frodo: *also in Elvish, deadpan* yeah we’re the worst

Legolas:

~*~earlier~*~

Legolas: ugh fucking hobbits

Merry: Frodo what’d he say

Frodo: I’m not sure he speaks a weird dialect but I think he’s insulting us. I should tell him I can understand Elvish

Merry: I mean you could do that but consider

Merry: you can only tell him ONCE

Frodo: Merry. You’re absolutely right. I’ll wait.

#legolas’ hick accent vs #frodo’s ‘i learned it out of a book’ accent #FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

Legolas: umm well your accent is horrible

Aragorn: *hollering from a distance* HIS ACCENT IS BETTER THAN YOURS LEGOLAS YOU SILVAN HICK

Frodo: :)

Frodo: Hello. My name is Frodo. I am a Hobbit. How are you?

Legolas: y’alld’ve’ff’ve

Frodo, crying: please I can’t understand what you’r saying

Ok, but Frodo didn’t just learn out of a book. He learned like… Chaucerian Elvish. So actually:

Frodo: Good morrow to thee, frend. I hope we twain shalle bee moste excellente companions.

Legolas: Wots that mate? ‘Ere, you avin’ a giggle? Fookin’ ‘obbits, I sware.

Aragorn: *laughing too hard to walk*

@ghostriderofthearagon

dYinGggGggg…

i mean, honestly it’s amazing the Elves had as many languages and dialects as they did, considering Galadriel (for example) is over seven thousand years old.

english would probably have changed less since Chaucer’s time, if a lot of our cultural leaders from the thirteenth century were still alive and running things.

they’ve had like. seven generations since the sun happened, max. frodo’s books are old to him, but outside any very old poetry copied down exactly, the dialect represented in them isn’t likely to be older than the Second Age, wherein Aragorn’s foster-father Elrond started out as a very young adult and grew into himself, and Legolas’ father was born.

so like, three to six thousand years old, maybe, which is probably a drop in the bucket of Elvish history judging by all the ethnic differentiation that had time to develop before Ungoliant came along, even if we can’t really tell because there weren’t years to count, before the Trees were destroyed.

plus a lot of Bilbo’s materials were probably directly from Elrond, whose library dates largely from the Third Age, probably, because he didn’t establish Imladris until after the Last Alliance. and Elrond isn’t the type to intentionally help Bilbo learn the wrong dialect and sound sillier than can be helped, even if everyone was humoring him more than a little.

so Frodo might sound hilariously formal for conversational use (though considering how most Elves use Westron he’s probably safe there) and kind of old-fashioned, but he’s not in any danger of being incomprehensible, because elves live on such a ridiculous timescale.

to over-analyse this awesome and hilarious post even more, legolas’ grandfather was from linguistically stubborn Doriath and their family is actually from a somewhat different, higher-status ethnic background than their subjects.

so depending on how much of a role Thranduil took in his upbringing (and Oropher in his), Legolas may have some weird stilted old-fashioned speaking tics in his Sindarin that reflect a more purely Doriathrin dialect rather than the Doriathrin-influenced Western Sindarin that became the most widely spoken Sindarin long before he was born, or he might have a School Voice from having been taught how to Speak Proper and then lapse into really obscure colloquial Avari dialect when he’s being casual. or both!

considering legolas’ moderately complicated political position, i expect he can code-switch.

…it’s also fairly likely considering the linguistic politics involved that Legolas is reasonably articulate in Sindarin, though with some level of accent, but knows approximately zero Quenya outside of loanwords into Sindarin, and even those he mostly didn’t learn as a kid.

which would be extra hilarious when he and gimli fetch up in Valinor in his little homemade skiff, if the first elves he meets have never been to Middle Earth and they’re just standing there on the beach reduced to miming about what is the short beard person, and who are you, and why.

this is elvish dialects and tolkien, okay. there’s a lot of canon material! he actually initially developed the history of middle-earth specifically to ground the linguistic development of the various Elvish languages!

Legolas: Alas, verily would I have dispatched thine enemy posthaste, but y’all’d’ve pitched a feckin’ fit.

Aragorn: *eyelid twitching*

Frodo: *frantically scribbling* Hang on which language are you even speaking right now

Pippin, confused: Is he not speaking Elvish?

Frodo, sarcastically: I dunno, are you speaking Hobbit?

Boromir, who has been lowkey pissed-off at the Hobbits’ weird dialect this whole time: That’s what it sounds like to me.

Merry, who actually knows some shit about Hobbit background: We are actually speaking multiple variants of the Shire dialect of Westron, you ignorant fuck.

Sam, a mere working-class country boy: Honestly y'all could be talkin Dwarvish half the time for all I know.

Pippin, entering Gondor and speaking to the castle steward: hey yo my man

Boromir, from beyond the grave: j e s u s

Tolkien would be SO PROUD of this post

It got better

there may come a day when i do not reblog this post, but it is NOT THIS DAY

who gives a shit if the heated rivalry actors are queer or not. if they're queer then good for them for getting to play queer roles and if they're straight but this cheerfully willing to have hot sweaty gay sex with other men on television for our entertainment then more power to them too. other straight men should take notes. whats the issue here again

Thank you!

They're actors -let them act.

I really like you, Shane. You're secretly one of the funniest guys I know.

Things and thoughts about from Vol. 2 (Mostly Steve/Robin/Dustin things)

Adding a bit to this:

I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm not fine

genuinely obsessed with this edit

I bet young Ilya Rozanov never thought he’d get slapped in the face with that tism rizz and he would be so fucking cooked.

This man has eight of the same shirt and five of the same hoodie. This man memorizes hockey stats for fun. This man will have a cold ginger ale. This man will look awkwardly at the camera with a smile like he wants to incinerate himself in every wet t-shirt contest sports drink ad his mom books for him. This man will take everything you say absolutely literally. That’s French, Ilya. You just said a French word and we’re talking about Russian, are you unfamiliar with your own language. This man takes three days to recognize a social cue. And ten years to name an emotion. You’ll tell him you like him in the most roundabout way and you’ll think you NAILED it, and he’ll promptly have a panic attack on your dick. When he names that emotion finally? He’ll be absolutely relentless and will not stand down; he’s had an emotion and he knows you have one, too. By that point, there’s no escape. He’s imprinted on you and is starting to ovulate in your vicinity. He will bludgeon you with adorable nerd and insatiable ass. And his oral fixation is so mighty he’ll suck your remaining brain cells out through your dick.

This man drives a Range Rover because it’s good in the snow. This man does a loon call. This man will make you eight cheeseburgers. Buddy it’s over for you.

I love how the moment they get through the coming out awkwardness, ilya immediately switches into having the best fucking family dinner night of his life. he has his boyfriend, he has good vodka, he has more food than he could possibly eat. he has a future. it's a great day to be ilya rozanov

Wow. So, when? Since our, uh, rookie season. Since your rookie season? No, it's not true. Since before that. Not helpful.

Just occurred to me that the reason Ilya is so relaxed after they get caught is because *his* literal nightmare was Shane not loving him back and since that didn't happen, he can handle anything else.

HEATED RIVALRY (2025−) 1.06 "The Cottage"