Always thinking of this like they de-cuntified my girl
My go at the mighty cougar
i think of this video once a week
Transcription:
A man stands in front of the camera with the caption “A story time from when I was a girl” next to him and trans flags adorning the video.
“Ayo, let me give y’all a story time.
You know I’m transgender, I was born a girl I transitioned into a man but let me give y’all a story time from when I was a girl.
So, me and all my stud friends, we getting ready to go to this party we all dressed in all white.
One of my friends decided like, ‘Ay y’all, let’s all wear our straps to the party.’
So we all dumb, ‘Aight, bet!’
So, we all wear it to the party.
We get to the party, it’s a basement party, back in the day, you know what I’m saying, so, nobody can really see.
So, this girl get to twerking on me, she feeling me, giving me her number, dadadadada (said to mean etc.)
We meet up after the party at her house, me and all my friends.
So, we all go into seperate rooms dadadadada.
So, we did what we had to do.
So, I ain’t talk to shawty for like, two and a half months and I get a random text from this number like, ‘Yeah, like I been trying to call you and talk to you.’
And I’m like, ‘For what?’ you know what I’m saying, [I’m trying to] ignore you, like, it was a one night thing.
She’s like, ‘Yeah, I’m pregnant and it’s your baby dadadadada…’
And I’m like, ‘Shawty, I’m a girl.’ and like, showing her pictures of like, what, me in a sports bra.
No, she like ‘No, that’s your sister I’m not stupid I know who I had sex with that night.’
Um, so, to this day I got a child out there.
Hey son-”
Spotted Shovel-nosed Frog (Hemisus guttatus), family Hemisotidae, South Africa
photograph by Miguel da Fonseca
Alright, fine, here's the backstory about replacing my Microsoft Copilot key with a picture of a carp. Warning: that's the whole story.
When I bought my latest laptop, which coincidentally is already losing functionality in multiple keys, I noticed that the right Control button was no longer a right Control button. This was a bad sign for me, someone who fairly frequently used the right Control button. Worse still, it now bore the Microsoft Copilot logo and would open, when pressed, Microsoft Copilot. Not having personal interest in that particular robot, I was now in the market to rebind that key to something else.
I initially considered setting it up as my dedicated The Sims 2 button, but not only do I not yet have The Sims 2 installed on this computer, the way I play that game, it takes upwards of 15 minutes to boot up. I knew I would be constantly accidentally hitting this key, and I did not want to be constantly accidentally opening The Sims 2.
My partner immediately suggested that I set it to open "a jpeg of a fish." I Googled "carp," found an image, and set my right Control key to open a tiny browser window with a link to said fish. Though it is a .png file from pngtree labeled "pngtree-rohu-carp-fish-png-png-image_4022775.png", in an effort to display matrimonial piety, I dutifully labeled it "fish jpeg."
I now accidentally open this link multiple times a day, which is great, because it means I have a lot of opportunities to see a fish. Sometimes I accidentally hit it several times in quick succession, which means I get to see several fish! When I close all my open programs to shut down my computer, I usually find at least one forgotten fish. Things are working out beautifully, and everyone is happy.
The other day I brought up this story to a friend and relayed the saga of my success to her through her obvious confusion. At the end of my tale she asked me, "Why didn't you just bind it back to right Control?" and I had to admit to her that it honestly never occurred to me.
Do not attempt to out-malicious-compliance the staff at the malicious compliance conference.
Some dipshit decided to pay the conference fee ($250) in quarters. He handed us a wrapped plastic bag full of loose change. "It's all there," he said with a shit-eating grin, "you can count it."
Oh buddy. We're going to count it. What were you expecting?
At about the time I got to $60, he offered to give us $300 collateral so he could get his badge and go to the conference.
No, bud. You get to watch the most dyscalculic staffer count to a thousand while all your friends go in to the breakfast and find seats for the first talk.
"Ruining someone's day" is the favorite hobby of everyone here. Why would you hand us the perfect opportunity to wreck your shit and think that was an own? Half the con is calling him "Untraceable," the other half is calling him "Quarter Boy" and nobody cares what he says his handle is.
I spent an hour counting that and made him go fetch me baggies to hold it every fifty dollars.
This ended up being a good bonus prank for me too, because when the counting was done I wrapped the bags in gaffer's tape and spent the rest of the day handing it to people very casually while saying "oh here, hold this for a sec" and then watching they weren't ready for the weight (I only did this to people I know well enough to know this wouldn't hurt them).
It's an infosec conference, so it's a weekend in a hotel full of people whose favorite thing is breaking the law and whose second favorite thing is following the letter of the law while cheerfully violating the spirit.
Thank you, that means a lot coming from you, @unyanizedcatboys
Grandmas were so right about puzzles and knitting and crocheting and solitaire and reading slow and slippers and baking and watching deer in the backyard send post
