i dont have an angel and devil on my shoulder there's just a protestant telling me to work harder and a white buddhist who probably misunderstood buddhism telling me to stop wanting anything

mastering ancient breathing techniques in the mountains of china to control my heart rate finely enough to jam out a sick tune on the hospital’s heart monitor

The doctors figure out after the sixth beep that I’m trying to play Wonderwall and they unplug my life support

i am not well understood. which is also my fault

i dont let them research me

Hand in loveable hand

Becuase we r friends :)

it’s always Sex Sex Sex with you people. let’s go back to killing each other with stones like how cain intended

attractive older woman (flirting with me): don't worry. I don't bite~

me: oh. fuck I wasn't even thinking about that. is that something I should be worried about in the future. that's scary

why be happy with what you have when you can want forever

"hogwash" still one of the best words ever. this shit is so unbelievable its pig water

here's the thing. I don't think that men and women can't be friends. I do think, however, that some men can't be friends with women. bc they are misogynists and don't see women as people. so if you as a man say men and women can't be friends I think you're telling on yourself

It’s hard being so beautiful and annoying with cool interests

Sounds hot

theres a whole album of song titles you can make just from the words of this tweet

check out my next stoner metal ep, featuring such classics as:

this makes smoking weed sound so much cooler than it is

not to be dramatic i would take a bullet for the praying mantis build a bear

trying something new called ‘repressing it’

⚠︎! 14 new chronic illnesses developed

naming a drink monster is actually scary as fuck they shouldve named it healing safety drink

at the vet because apparently tylenol decided to eat a joint

she's going to be ok she's just high as fuck