gods most mediocre faggot

welcome to EVIL SCHOOL heres your timetable for the day first you have SHADOW MATH then after that you have CREEPY BIOLOGY then GYM

before you comment "gym is already scary on its own" consider what the joke of the post is and consider whether multiple thousand people have already said it and consider what you would feel if multiple thousand people just repeated the punchline of your joke at you for years as if they came up with it and consider making a different comment im begging you im fucking begging you

coworker saw me drawing a tiny spongebob on something at the hostess stand and he said "oh that looks like something from the nightmares of my generation..." i said "spongebob???" he said "no you would not know it. it was a soviet cartoon in the nineties. it haunts me to this day." and then sure enough a minute later he showed me a pic on his phone of what i can only describe as soviet robot spongebob

Average Scarlet Hollow dev update is like: Hey everyone Tony and Abby here to let you all know that we're still working in the next chapter. The script is currently 280,000 words long (likely going to be at least 50,000 more by the next update) and the grand total is 1,500,000 words long. This is because we have to account for all the branching pathways that consider literally every little choice you make so we gotta consider what it's like for a comp-sci major living in an apartment with a cat (which they can talk to because of weird powers) that's just been cursed to be 10 years older to interact with a band of rats (which gives you a line of dialogue only maybe 0.1% of players will ever see). Abby has been hard at work drawing 86 new backgrounds and new 827 sprites (yes including the stuff for the gilf and various monster romance routes) and Brandon has made 15 new tracks of the most haunting music you've ever heard. We've been having lots of fun and hope you're all doing well with the wait!!

If I have to be cold, so does Laurence.

Okay but I head canon that after the nether laur is extra susceptible to cold and so cadenza sews him warmer clothes.

Happy New Year of the Horse

as a smoker one of the fastest way i dissuade people from smoking is i go you know how your headaches suck. imagine a permanent headache that slowly gets more and more expensive to cure and also you cant stop coughing in the middle of all of this. yeah? this sucks.

i have said this before but end stage liver failure did not dissuade me from starting opiates. what dissuaded me was someone telling me "do you want to be itchy for the rest of your life? this is how you be itchy for the rest of your life."

people in the tags keep bringing things that are terminal, and i need you to understand some thing critical here. people do not conceptualise what they've not experienced properly and the 'inconvenient' side-effects come faster, and are far more likely than the Big Scary Ones. "dont start cocaine because your liver will fail" -- means nothing to me, have never experienced liver failure, also it takes forever for me to get to that stage. "do you want to know what cocaine shits are" -- paying attention, do not alter my shits habits.

Before I knew I was bisexual I was just insanely dramatic and weird around guys I liked. I had a crush on this guy in my ward - he was older than me, he played bagpipes and had a cheerful dog and an old Volkswagen bus that he worked on all the time. He also had nice scruff and unnaturally attractive hands and a good sense of humor, so I was like FULLY smitten.

I talked about him a lot and about how he was just so dang COOL, dang it, because he was so frickin’ cool. And I really liked him. I thought he was funny and smart and interesting and cool and fascinating and a bunch of other weird feelings I barely had the attention span to think about (I think my ADHD may have prevented me from coming out for a while tbh).

One day, I’m like 14-15, his dad is called to be my Sunday School teacher. His dad is this ex-military hardass with a chip on his shoulder for absolutely no reason and unattainable standards for his children. He spent most of Sunday School talking shit about his eldest boy and how he was rebellious and didn’t listen to him and how that was going to make him a bad adult and a bad son forever. How his son was too lazy and unmotivated to be successful because he didn’t listen to his advice on how to read the scriptures. He complained about how our generation was too weak to do things right and that our generation would surely be the one that brought the world’s downfall because of our laziness and sin.

And like, first of all, that guy can already go fuck himself for that. To clarify, that’s already stupid. BUT. He was talking about the man I had uncomfortable dreams about at least once a month. I couldn’t stand it. I’d get so mad I’d go home shaking sometimes because how fucking DARE he insult his hardworking stunning son by calling him lazy? For not reading the Bible the way his dad wants? When he’s already spending his time learning bagpipes? And fixing cars? And being cool? And cute? Who the fuck even cares if he uses the footnotes in the Book of Mormon? Who gives a rotten rat’s ass if he doesn’t use the scripture study manual his dad uses? He’s so cool he doesn’t even need it? So fuck off?

And eventually I got fucking Sick Of It and decided to mutiny. And by mutiny, I mean skip class. I’d just not go. And after a bit, adults started noticing and bugging me about it. At first, this was put off by small talk and excuses, but as my absence from Sunday School became more well-known, my excuses began to be rejected.

“Oh, Lizard, why aren’t you in class?” Uhm idk because my Sunday School teacher is mean to his kid and that makes me so mad wtf do you want from me? 🫠🤔

“Where’s your class, I’ll go with you!” Oh no ty I’d rather peel my own eyes than have my taste in men critiqued tyty 🩷

“Lizard, you should go to class, I’m sure they miss you!” And I miss the innocent days where my stomach didn’t hurt when a cool boy I knew was being belittled but unfortunately for us both those days are LONG gone and all that’s left is a budding psychosexual clusterfuck that will render me almost fully incapable of functioning for the better part of a decade so Bye Bye, sister Smith 🙂‍↕️

It had gotten to the point that ward leadership was involved. I was being approached by members of the Young Men’s presidency and the Bishopric to try and make me to back to class. They were telling me God had told them to find me and instruct me on my rebelliousness. This is where I implemented my secret weapon - women. Mormons are weird as hell about a lot of things, but especially about women. And I was GREAT with women. So to combat the leadership’s attention, I started helping women.

Our ward had a lot of new moms with babies who were, as babies tend to be, fussy. But for Mormon women the church is often their only social outlet, so they try to power through as long as they can even if it means enduring the exhausting ordeal of taking care of a fussy baby at church.

For what it’s worth, I have a lot of sway with babies. I got baby street cred. Me and babies have a rapport. I have always known this. I have always loved this. And in this crucial gay time in my faggot life my baby mind powers came in clutch - Every time I saw a member of the bishopric getting close, or a young men’s leader giving me side-eye, I’d start walking slowly towards class, passing by relief society. I’d wait until a mom’s baby had gotten too fussy and needed to leave the room, and I’d swoop in like a knight. “Oh, don’t you worry sister, I’ll bounce him a bit. You go back and hang out with your friends in class. You deserve a break.”

If it was a diaper change or something they’d tell me no. But if it was just some good old-fashioned baby fusses, I mean, they’d be moved almost to tears. They just got their social time back AND a free babysitter who is renowned as the Baby Whisperer. And because I was holding a baby as a favor for someone else, I of course could not reasonably be bothered to return to class.

So just like that, I was out of everyone’s sights. This went on for about a month before the straw that broke the camel’s back, which was that without my class participation the classes were quiet and awkward. I’d often take the brunt of Sunday school lectures by answering questions impulsively and over explaining myself enough that the clock could run out without anyone needing to do or say much. My absence meant everyone else was getting hit with the full unpleasantness of this guy’s bullshit. And so slowly, one-by-one, I had a group of about 8 kids on baby-holding duty. These new moms were so overjoyed, they and their husbands were both so actively in our corner that now chastising us was untenable. Now we had bargaining power. So the Bishopric approached us, confused beyond confused and uncomfortable beyond uncomfortable, and said,

“What’s it gonna take to get you back to class?”

The POWER I possessed in that moment was addictive. By being kind to the women of the ward and ignoring the Mormon de facto Rule of Law of following rules en-masse so the rule breakers feel left out, there were now so many people breaking ranks that we had effectively enacted a church boy labor strike. And they crumbled so fast it was almost like we had swayed God himself to our cause.

“I want brother assholedad gone. He sucks at teaching.”

I didn’t even have to say it. One of my rebels said it for me. I just nodded sagely and said “Yes, his class is not edifying. It’s better to not go and hold babies.”

And just like that, with a snap of my limp-wristed, Christ-wounding, bottom-brained fingers my faggot will was enacted. God’s revelation that brother shitdad was his chosen Sunday school teacher flipped on a dime. Suddenly brother shitdad was asked to be an usher and the fun dad of another one of my crushes was called in to teach us. I still stayed to hold babies a lot, but the rest of the class returned and all was well again.

Although I didn’t recognize it then, I think that was a formative moment for me in a lot of ways. I learned that being really persistently annoying will get me what I want from authority eventually. I learned that God’s will can be swayed by going in strike. I learned that ignoring men’s made up authority forces them to level with you as a person. I learned that caring for women, especially vulnerable women, can make a whole world happier. I learned that letting women rest can help them feel more love for the things that matter in their life. I learned that social bonds make everyone stronger and happier. And I learned that loving others in a gay way can change the world.

Be gayer. Read Terry Pratchett. I love y’all 💕

I’m a self-aggrandizing whore and I love my own writing so I’m reblogging my own stuff 😊 😇

A moment talking to a cis girl a few months back. She'd known I was trans but sometimes I forget what I look like nowadays 😅

a lot of you really need to internalize that acting avoidant isn't cute at all and that it will cost you experiences and life outcomes if you don't change course

look at my prophecy cats dog the clans are doomed

gordon ramsey: is the food good here?

underpaid server: 

My favourite thing about that show is how he treats servers. It was also the source of some very intense fantasies when I was a barista of him busting into my cafe, calling my boss a fucking idiot, then taking me against the broken dishwasher.

Marvel Comics #1000: We’re Calling Him Ben

I feel this is an important addition. He saves so many people on a regular basis that this just keeps happening. And he feels so much for his uncle that the answer is always the same.

…. This hits different when you realise he’s canonically Jewish

Can you please elaborate ? I’m curious as to what it means

You can read a pretty good summary of it here, but as (most likely) Ashkenazi Jews, PP probably follows the minhag (custom) that says “that by naming a newborn child after a deceased loved one, the soul lives on through the child.” (Quoted from the site linked above.) And given how his Uncle Ben died, it just makes it all the more sadder tbh.

another fine distinction is that the soul isn’t thought to be reincarnated, it’s that the memory of the loved one is kept alive and more good deeds in life can be inspired by (and thus partially attributed to) the dead. ‘may their memory be a blessing’–the memory of the deceased is honored, respected, and who they were is retold as inspiration to the next generation. 

ben’s memory is a blessing. that’s extremely jewish. spiderman is inspired not just by the shame of his death, but by the moral teachings he’d given peter in life. and his name given to these babies is another part of it: babies named in spiderman’s honor are also very honestly and truly named in his honor, and continue to be blessings to the world. 

it’s very joyous, i think. very sweet.  

the tagssssss

Maria Skłodowska-Curie's notebooks are crazy once you think about it. They're so radioactive they have to be sealed in a lead box. Imagine a world where atomic theory is forgotten and a dude just goes "yea there's a book that details the secrets of the universe, the machinations of the creation of existence down to its barest essentials, but if you get close to it you fucking die. The more you read it the more your body slowly disassembles into mush." like wat excuse me

Jabber Wonger Headcanons

Best Friend Headcanons

—

Notes: Just as the title says fr. This is in universe but I need to make one in the real world because there’s a ton of potential there.

-> Friend headcanons//Jabber Wonger//Gachiakuta//He still wrong asf//But he’s such a cool freak//it’s not a great friendship by normal standards but both of you are weirdos

Desc: Your friendship with a maniac

Warnings: Profanity

꒷꒦︶꒷꒦︶ ๋ ࣭ ⭑꒷꒦

☣︎ Why are y’all friends??

☣︎ No, deadass. He gets on your nerves. On purpose. Cheating at games, crossing your boundaries, taking your food—he does it all to get a reaction.

☣︎ You held out for a while before giving in and beating his ass. That fight ended in a tie. Each of them from then on do, with the two of you equally hurt.

☣︎ No matter how many times you insist he can just ask to spar, he enjoys aggravating you to initiate a fight. “Good news” is, even after years, he finds a new way to tick you off so you never get used to him.

☣︎ Y’all get high. The guy is high off his own stuff 9/10 of the time. If you didn’t hate the poke that required it, and the crazy headache after, you’d do it more often.

☣︎ He likes you because you bring out everything he has. Even after he grew to be stronger than most he opposed, you matched him.

☣︎ He encourages you to get stronger, even allowing you to take stronger enemies. He isn’t necessarily happy about it, but if you get stronger from it, then all the better for him down the line when you fight again.

☣︎ It’s probably one of the rare times he uses ‘logic.’ Even if it’s Jabber logic. He’s genuinely unpredictable a lot of the time. You aren’t sure if he thinks so much as acts on instincts.

☣︎ You both work for the Raiders. Rarely does he like to take an assignment without you there. He mopes and complains until someone shuts him up (usually by hitting him.) It’s unknown if the punishment was what he wanted in the first place.

☣︎ He sticks to you mostly. And you to him. You are his handler, for better or worse. Even when he abandons the primary goal, if you tell him to, he’ll steer himself in the right direction.

☣︎ The thing is, you don’t. There’s something about watching chaos unfold that interests you, especially Jabbers chaos. He lived freely for his own pleasure. In a life filled with predictable outcomes, he’s the one thing you can’t always solve for.

☣︎ That’s another reason why he likes you. You see things how he sees them. You aren’t the maniacal masochist he is but you both saw complete conformity and bending to authority as boring. ‘Pleasure over work.’

☣︎ “Just let me loc your hair, g. I swear it’ll be fire.”

“You aren’t playing in my head, Jabber.”

☣︎ Ding dong ditches your room constantly. You know it’s him. He knows you know. And he goes running and giggling every time.

☣︎ He’s got Hot Cheetos and Taki’s stashed, and supplies you with them. No, he won’t give you the plug.

☣︎ When you’re in a bad mood, he skips trying to piss you off and just attacks you. On the outside it may look like friends turned enemies, but after all is said and done, you’ve got a smile on your face. “Nothing like getting your ass beat to lighten the mood.” He’d say.

☣︎ He doesn’t touch you gently. Arm smacks, head butting, ramming into you. He’ll give you a hug if you ask, though. Then squeeze you as tight as he can. Maybe the only normal thing he does is a dap. Just don’t fuck it up.

☣︎ Long ass secret handshakes

☣︎ If he sees you’re in danger, he doesn’t do shit. About to get smacked by a Trash Beast? He’ll let it happen and laugh in your face a week after. You get back by saving him when he’s in danger, to which disappoints him immensely.

☣︎ He’s rarely in a bad mood. When he is, either he’s too higher than Heaven or he talks more. Mostly both. Impossible, seemingly, but it’s a warning he’s about to wreck himself or someone or something else. Just cut him off and start a fight. Or smack him in the head. Hard. Mushy heart to heart shit doesn’t really reach him. He usually feels better after being tossed around.

☣︎ Terrible jokes. Constantly. He’ll repeat the punchline until you react to it.

☣︎ There are some times when you see each other heart to heart. They’re always on your end. When you disengage in a fight he started to cheer you up, he knows it’s best to stop then and there. You know his compacity for it is sparse, but if being ‘soft’ is what you need, he’ll try his best and listen. He can’t give you back advice, good stuff anyway, but if you need an ear, he’s there. Or to provide non pokey hallucinogen substances to take your mind off it.

☣︎ This dude has an assortment of weed and shrooms. Hell if he bothers to use it though. It doesn’t do anything to him anymore, but he tries out new strains with you.

☣︎ Roast battles. His roasts come for your looks, your family, your past, your present. Everything is game. Same for him too.

☣︎ He’s a lot like a brother. As much as he gets on your nerves, he doesn’t cross any true lines you’ve set. He tests the limits sometimes, but after he learns hard no’s, he doesn’t usually do it again on purpose. Usually.

☣︎ He’s so unserious about everything

☣︎ He knows you’re mad at him when you ignore him completely. He hates when you ignore him. Even if he was in the wrong he doesn’t address it for a couple days, then gifts you your favorite thing, and gives you space. He won’t get sentimental, but he’ll tone down annoying you until you say you forgive him.

☣︎ He nearly never gets mad at you, but when he does it’s usually fighting related. Going easy or holding back on him or an opponent for any reason sets him off. He won’t forgive you until it gets “corrected.” As in, you go full out.

☣︎ Be honest with him. He’s always painfully honest with you. If he needs to chill fr then tell him. Or if his fit that day looks a mess. Even though he wears the same shit everyday.

☣︎ Never addresses you by your name.

-“Whats up blood?”

-“Hey, stinkbutt.”

-“What you up to, big head?”

-“Aye twin!!!”

-“Gang, shit was not that funny.”

-“Fam, I can see your lace I know that shit ain’t real.”

☣︎ He looks at you from across the room during a meeting. He doesn’t say or do anything. Neither of you can keep a straight face. Zodyl already told you to shut up about two times before.

☣︎ Has you listen to his mixtape

☣︎ It’s nothing but trash rap remixed into even trashier covers

☣︎ Constant games. Spades, dominos, Black Jack. He usually only cheats when others are playing. Between you and him he’ll take the game seriously and play for real. Most times. Sometimes. Okay it’s gotten better since you threatened to stop playing with him.

☣︎ Food challenges. Eating spoon fulls of cinnamon, adding as much pepper and spice available to a meal. You don’t even have to participate, he just wants an audience.

☣︎ If you messed up he takes the blame. Even if the punishment isn’t the ‘good kind’ he likes. “I’ll take the fall. Just beat me up extra good next time.”

You sigh but don’t hide a smile. “You’re a freak.”

He smirks. “Your freak.”

☣︎ Childish ass mf

☣︎ He’s your hype man. You off your game? Not going all out like he knows you can? “You look goofy as fuck right now. Lock tf in bro!”

☣︎ He’ll let you retwist his hair so long as you don’t screw it up. He can do it himself but this is one of the rare moments you touch him “gently.” He’ll relax, sit still, and even shut up. The best part.