Medicated, but for what?
If I'm still gonna act like this
Upset at basically nothing
Like a stupid selfish kid
And everyone I know
Is so used to it
That they don't even reach out
Which makes me feel like shit

Seems like nowadays I'm so far deep in depressive malaise
That I cancel everything, I can't handle anything
And I wanna tell my friends, but I'm scared I'll get laughed away
I'm mentally unwell and it feels like total hell

I'm just a puppet
Full of hands
Fighting for control
Leaving me to sing and dance
In quite the erratic fashion
I'm bursting at the seams
Autism, bipolar disorder, and ADHD

Seems like nowadays I'm so far deep in depressive malaise
That I cancel everything, I can't handle anything
And I wanna tell my friends, but I'm scared I'll get laughed away
I'm mentally unwell and it feels like total hell

So the other day, I was with some friends on call
Playing silly games, but I wasn't having fun at all
They all made fun of me, but I'm sure it was without malicious intent
But it made me wanna scream, so I had to vent, had to vent

See I don't take well to much I'm given
Like friendships and lovers my head's spinnin'
So I tend to overreact and always think I'm in the right
When really in the end I'll probably be fine

Seems like nowadays I'm so far deep in depressive malaise
That I cancel everything, I can't handle anything
And I wanna tell my friends, but I'm scared I'll get laughed away
I'm mentally unwell and it feels like total hell

Here I am feeling like trash
About 30 miles from home
I just wish that we would crash
I just wish I wasn't alone
Seems like no one really cares
They just use me as comic relief
But when it's time to really be there
They all flake on me
I'm in the passenger seat
Looking at Snapchat memories
Of the worst person I knew
He sexually assaulted me
I remember wondering
Back in the time when we were friends
If I'd fall in love with him
What a sick joke I played on myself
And now almost 4 years later
I'm looking back on the event
After many years of saying I've healed
Without actually finding content
Now I'm stuck here pondering
If my medication even works
Now I'm stuck here wondering
Should I bury myself in dirt?
Should I end my stupid life?
Should I end it now for good?
Open up this car door
Spray my blood on someone's hood
Are these just invasive thoughts?
Am I thinking for myself?
I guess that i can just dissociate
And say I'm okay

Seems like nowadays I'm so far deep in depressive malaise
That I cancel everything, I can't handle anything
And I wanna tell my friends, but I'm scared I'll get laughed away
I'm mentally unwell and it feels like total hell

If I told someone that I would kill myself
Would they take me serious?
Or laugh in my face?
Saying I'm a disgrace?
And I deserve to die?
I don't know
But I do know one thing
I can't spend another day in my mind