Entry #1

I am unsure if this is the right thing to do. And yet, here we are. When I was younger, I had a Tumblr to express myself. I also felt I couldn't express myself correctly here. I think I was too young to know the right words to properly express myself. In a way, I felt trapped by not having the right words. My mind would be so scrambled with so many thoughts and feelings, when I started writing, it all came out a mess. I could only really write about unrequited love and heartbreak. I am so different from when I was younger. I had this mentality that people do not change, and they never will, and I believed that till I was about 27 or 28 years old. My thought process changed after I started changing as a person. I realized that sort of mentality can be detrimental to both my own mental health and my friendships. I was a hot-headed teen with so many hormones running through my body. As well, the way I perceived love growing up was not actually love. What I was actually looking for and wanted was to be seen and validated. I wanted to be listened to too. When someone showed interest in me and wanted to listen to me or validated me on how I was feeling, I immediately became obsessed with them. I would try everything I could to be around them. I would lie, manipulate anyone and everything to try and get us alone or get me close to them. I would look for them anywhere I went, I would wait for them for as long as I could. Just thinking about this makes my skin crawl. I am so embarrassed about the type of person I was. I was so insecure about myself, my body, who I was, and who I wanted to be. Being back on Tumblr brings back a lot of old feelings and situations I had in my life. Maybe one day I will go back in time and revisit them.