None of us are funny

None of us are funny

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I can clearly remember the moment I first realised my mother and I were living on completely different planes of existence. I was 7 years old and I came home from my school's first track and field day having placed second or third in every event. the teachers had been making jokes all afternoon about how many times they had to call my name. my friends thought I was cool as shit. my enemies thought I was cool as shit too, come to think of it. I was proud as hell. so I get home with the entire front of my shirt covered in ribbons like I was a military dictator who'd awarded himself every medal, I walk into the kitchen and tell my mum all about my day, and she goes "oh, that must be disappointing not getting any firsts." and I'm like no?? first of all the first place ribbons are red and I don't like red. second of all look at me. there's literally nowhere left on my body for accolades. I am fucking Jacked of All Trades. how could this possibly be a disappointment.

I can clearly remember the moment I first realised my mother and I were living on completely different planes of existence. I was 7 years old and I came home from my school's first track and field day having placed second or third in every event. the teachers had been making jokes all afternoon about how many times they had to call my name. my friends thought I was cool as shit. my enemies thought I was cool as shit too, come to think of it. I was proud as hell. so I get home with the entire front of my shirt covered in ribbons like I was a military dictator who'd awarded himself every medal, I walk into the kitchen and tell my mum all about my day, and she goes "oh, that must be disappointing not getting any firsts." and I'm like no?? first of all the first place ribbons are red and I don't like red. second of all look at me. there's literally nowhere left on my body for accolades. I am fucking Jacked of All Trades. how could this possibly be a disappointment.

got my drafts under 100. small wins

you fuck a banjo player and it’s great until six hours in you realize theyve been plucking out man of constant sorrow on yr clit the whole time

you fuck a banjo player and it’s great until six hours in you realize theyve been plucking out man of constant sorrow on yr clit the whole time

you fuck a spoons player and it’s great until smithsonian folkways comes in to document and culturally preserve the odd shit theyre doing to yr dick

no one has ever successfully fucked a dulcimer player because they vanish like a dream into the morning mist

More of you should be concerned about the cackling witch rather than the Nintendo switch

More of you should be concerned about the cackling witch rather than the Nintendo switch

signing off my email with 'we will not meet again in this world.'

signing off my email with 'we will not meet again in this world.'

JPG Abacus cuff bracelet

JPG Abacus cuff bracelet

1. do one spanish essay prompt (30 minutes)
2. watch half of a west wing episode (21 minutes)
3. do another spanish essay prompt (30 minutes)
4. the second half of the episode. fill out agenda and daybook while you’re at it (21 minutes)
5. 15 minutes of turkish
6. 30 minutes of italian
7. one spanish print out lesson (should no more than 10 minutes, but budget for 15)
8. another west wing episode (42 minutes)
9. listen to audiobook for english (??)
10. finish all the presidents men! (?????)
11. profit?

To this day I still don't believe that anyone actually thought you could generate infinite chocolate via an optical illusion. That's a thing people tell themselves to feel superior

To this day I still don't believe that anyone actually thought you could generate infinite chocolate via an optical illusion. That's a thing people tell themselves to feel superior

The defining feature of tumblr is not "the website where people actually think infinite chocolate is possible", it is defined by a group of people refusing to break kayfabe, another group being genuinely confused by an optical illusion (NOT the same thing as thinking infinite chocolate is possible) and a third group who is certain they are a lot smarter than the other two.

it’s kind of crazy that some of the most impactful short stories i’ve ever read are unpublished things my classmate wrote for our creative writing class.

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