"The Good Kid"

I yearned to die since youth; I was fixated with the notion that I was a failure. Everyone would find out and no one would love me. The thought I was evil plagued me; I would destroy the family; I would ruin everything.

I wanted to be "the good kid".

In my family, it was easy to be "the bad kid", the kid you don't like, the kid who is difficult.

It was indisputable I would become that kid.

I was a straight A student in the back of the gifted and talented program ruminating on how one day I would disinherit the title of "the good kid" fantasizing on how prodigious it would be if I died.

I wanted to die "the good kid"

I prayed to get hit by a car, kidnapped and killed, die in a school shooting.

I prayed to die; I could die loved.

I wanted to be immortalized as "the good kid"

I did not die young and good.

The labeled stopped fitting; the same way all childhood clothing does.

Everyday it felt tighter and more restrictive the urge to kill myself grew. If I could die with it still fitting over my grotesque body, no one would see past the label to who I was.

I became "the bad kid"

The urge to die did not fade. It switched from a longing to a need. I had to die as a punishment for my sins.

"The bad kid" needs to be punished.

I began cutting, a punishment for my wickedness. If no one was going to hurt me; I would hurt myself.

Cutting makes you "the bad kid"

I try to be a good adult to disguise the evilness staining my soul. If I'm kind, If I'm caring, If I'm nice, It will undo all the bad I did.

No one would see me as "the bad kid" anymore.

No version of myself would love me now. I don't think I even do. Was I right when I was young? Should something terrible happened to me? Should I have died "the good kid"?

It's too late for me to die now and to die loved.

I don't pray for a terrible accident, I don't pray to die in a way that makes me immortalized.

I pray to slip away from everybody's life. I pray to slip away from mine.

I pray to be forgotten, so no one remembers "the bad kid" I was my entire life.

I pray to be forgotten, so no one remembers "the good kid" I could have been my entire life.

we live in a world where marriage as an institution exists and is unavoidably ingrained into almost every aspect of life politically, socially, and economically however when you talk about 'romanticizing problematic power dynamics in a way that harms people' the poster child for that is erotica that involves sensitive subject matters. it's crazy because over the past year and change i've been privy to the romantic expectations of hundreds if not thousands of people and let me tell you, middle to upper class men just still straight up think of women as either household servants, brood mares, or both. whatever sort of sexual degeneracy you think is being normalized in society because of triggering erotica is an absolute drop in the bucket compared to the fact that the current standards and norms of romance and sex are barely one degree of separation from what they were when women were explicitly considered property. sorry guys the bottom up approach of attacking horny fiction for being too morally degenerate never has and never will do anything to reduce sexual violence or spousal/partner abuse

there are a NUMBER of folktale Woman-Creatures like selkies who exist to make the inherently coercive nature of heterosexual marriage explicit and to externalize male anxiety about how if your wife had actual autonomy she very well might disappear and you might never fucking hear from her again

which is a FASCINATING category of Woman-Creature imo

it is hilarious to me that cishet men have yet to notice the ‘best friend cockblocking her friend you’re chatting up in a public place’ thing is planned, consensual on the part of the girl you’re uncomfortably hitting on and not a result of the bestie being jealous her friend is getting more male attention. they’re completely oblivious to the hostage eyes and silent nod to someone in the background because they’re too busy telling that poor girl about what a bitch their ex was.

new year, pk;m new me

Smoking on that we'd

guys do we remember when the woke take was that trans people shouldnt have to out themselves to be allowed into queer/trans safe spaces? this also applies to trans men. this applies to cis male passing trans men. this applies to trans men who look like cishet dudes. this applies to trans men

hey guys do we remember when the woke take was that you shouldnt ask trans people what genitals they were born with/what gender they were "born as"? this also applies to trans men and trans women who support trans men. this also applies to intersex and nonbinary people. btw

"Oh conservatives dont care about trans men theyre never the main targets and-" we may not be allowed to buy binders anymore

I love buying my own Christmas presents like oooooh who bought me this fancy Korean incense? They know me so well! Fancy incense is a great historical Christmas present too, it should be noted baby Jesus was given fancy expensive incense by the wisemen and not a single pair of dollar store fuzzy socks that are 2 sizes too large.

I love buying my own Christmas presents like oooooh who bought me this fancy Korean incense? They know me so well! Fancy incense is a great historical Christmas present too, it should be noted baby Jesus was given fancy expensive incense by the wisemen and not a single pair of dollar store fuzzy socks that are 2 sizes too large.