2026 will be my year and that is a threat
(Listened to Hopes and Dreams on repeat making this)
🖤🖤
Engineering is so Hard, my Femininity is coming back HARDER
I am so not ready to go back into the spring semester. I wish I could be on break just a tad bit longer. But this winter break, I found myself healing a lot from the chaotic autumn semester. And during that resting period, I found myself happiest thinking about how much more feminine I will become as I continue my studies and improve my sense of self ♥︎.
It’s like my now healthier curly hair, small makeup collection, and my ever-updating wardrobe are slowly revealing the “new” me that has been buried for so long under melancholy.
I am so ecstatic to wear my new blouses, especially now that I got myself some cute two-inch walkable Mary Janes to pair with them. I want to wear more than my usual sneakers, and I think that says a lot about my own growing fashion sense.
Beyond the clothes and makeup, I am so excited to feel like my femininity is my new strength. Like it is demanding discipline, making my softness into strength, and making me want to try new daring things.
Many parts of me still struggle with believing in myself, but I hope one day I can learn how to manage my imposter syndrome (especially with math). I don’t like how worried and worked up I get over hypotheticals and little things.
I hope there are more smiles than tears this semester, because nothing hits harder than being a soft-hearted perfectionist and pessimist.
Fall 2025 Semester Sucked
and why I am trying to make it feel more okay
I passed both of my math classes: linear algebra and calculus 2 (barely). But I did really well with my classes on Black history and embedded systems.
I worry about myself. These past two semesters have felt like I have lost myself in two different ways. Last spring semester, I lost myself by figuring out computer science was not for me and switching careers at the end of freshman year. This semester, I lost myself by almost letting my fear of math win.
I am not naturally good at math. And taking two math classes that are known to be heavy and GPA killers at the same time wasn't the best spot to be in, but due to my pre-requisites as now an electrical engineering major, it was something that needed to be done. My calculus 2 professor was the worst, made me feel like I didn't belong in engineering or at my school. But, I stuck with it because I didn't want one person to stop me.
Even though I passed both classes, I can't help but feel shame about how I couldn't fully grasp either class to the extent I wanted to. This was mostly due to time constraints, because I genuinely went to every office hour and tutoring session available during the semester. I am afraid that my not doing well in Calculus 2 will trickle down to me not doing well this upcoming semester in Calculus 3 and Physics 1 (thermodynamics and mechanics). And I worry that my weakness in linear algebra will weaken me in future EE classes.
But overall, I am happy to report that yes, while this semester sucked and wasn't as strong as I wanted it to be, I still passed, and I am looking forward to digging myself out of this hole. This math and low self-esteem hole. I want to improve in math and as a student.
I loved embedded systems though (actual EE content), and I would've enjoyed it way more had I not taken those two math classes at the same time, lol. This upcoming semester, I want to be better and do better. I want my efforts to show in my scores. I am unsure how I will do it, but I am stubborn enough to figure it out.
I hope 2026 is filled with more blessings than sorrows. 2025 had way more lessons than I thought it would have, but it was a season of growing pains.
