ok i wrote it bc i can’t stop laughing at it to myself

tw for suicide jokes

Robert is going to kill himself.

Truly the only viable option. Chase can take care of Beef, and the suit’s not back online yet, so he doesn’t have to worry about that. So as Robert stares down the mission that’s just opened up, the one with ten slots, he really starts to think about the best way to self-destruct about this.

“Who’s up for a suicide pact?” he mutters, half to himself.

“Uh, my- my therapist- he says- told me that- that jokes like- suicide jokes- they don’t- don’t help with mental health,” Waterboy says nervously over the comms.

“Don’t listen to the wet man, Robbo, I’m in,” Sonar says. “How we thinkin’? OD? Autoerotic asphyxiation?”

“Drinking all the chemicals in the supply closet and jumping off the SDN roof,” Robert says dryly.

“Hm. Less in,” Sonar says.

“Why the interest in offin’ yerself, lad?” Punch-Up asks.

“Because,” Robert says. “There’s a mission that just showed up.”

“Wow, if one mission was all it took we should’ve been rid of you months ago,” Flambae says, and there’s some scattered laughter.

“Yeah, about that. There are ten open slots.” Robert says.

For once in their goddamn lives, the comms are silent.

“So everyone better be rested, because i’m sending all of you on this fucking mission,” Robert continues. “I have no idea what they’re gonna need, and by the frantic message of the lady on the phone, the fight’s big.”

“We can’t just send Solo Golo and let his Spread Thin do the work?” Visi asks, and Golem rumbles an agreement.

“The message was just screaming, Vis,” Robert says, pinching his nose. “If we need any skill Golem doesn’t have-“

“Okay, I get it,” Visi groans. “Sheesh.”

Robert assigns them all into the mission, finger hovering over the mouse button to dispatch.

“Team,” he says, drawing their attention back to him. “If you don’t fuck this up, I’ll greenlight the orgy.”

There’s a sudden clamor over the line, and Robert sends them off.

“You’re the fuckin’ worst, kid,” Chase says from the cubicle over, shoving his headphones off his head like they’re radioactive. “I don’t wanna hear that shit, ugh.”

“If it works, it works,” Robert says, leaning back in his chair.

It works.

Can you feel something missing?

I can just imagine Poly Z-team going absolutely FERAL when Robert actually starts gaining healthy weight back along with getting his muscle back too. Yeah, Rob is def a twink and he does wear some armor in his Mecha Man uniform, but he had some thickness to him before the coma.

I like to imagine that everyone on Z-team just leaves him food on his desk or makes him come to their place for dinner or they take him out for some good greasy food after a particularly shitty day and then he has a soft layer of fat to cushion the muscle and then Chase fake gags every time he notices them either making Fuck Me eyes at Robert from across the room or completely failing to keep their hands to themselves in the office. Galen absolutely hates them because he has to listen to their Break room chatter that consists of them listing the ways they wanna rail Robert lmao

groovin'

dispatch dump

new key chain pre-order available on my shop🕺🏻

i love that he gave up immediately on fielding Malevola's clinginess -> looks like a custody battle over a particularly miserable wet cat

Prism (Dispatch)

Sonar drawing

Flambae

Commissions

sexual knifeplay is indicative of weak character. I could never get aroused from being stabbed because that would mean that I failed to parry it

Here's a version with the rest of the z team

Can I offer you a cute height difference yuri in this trying time?

Z team getting jealous when Robert dispatches for another team is *chefs kiss*

white boy of the millennium-

this game has me in a literal chokehold it’s SO good.

"Half-man, Half-bat, All Freak."

Has anyone seen those videos of that that cooks food for his beagles with his beagles? I imagine that’s what it’s like for Robert trying to make anything with the Z team around. He turns to grab a spoon for his soup or something and suddenly Sonar is behind him, one hand on his bowl. When he goes to smack him away and while he’s focused on Sonar, Malevola and Coupe are on the other side. Every time he tries to cook or brings good food he feels like he’s fighting the Z Team off with whatever utensil he has on hand.

Intro to and based on the Z-Team Polycule AU from @mossy-rossy