Once I was doing fieldwork with someone from Europe and said “careful, there’s a rattlesnake over there.” And she rushed over like I’d said there was a quetzal.
I said “Ma’am please, we’re three hours from a hospital!” and she said
1.) I don’t understand how that can be
2.) But I’ve never done fieldwork from a car before (!!!) so I’ll take your word for it.
3.) Did you just call me ma’am? Like a cowboy?
We drove through the Los Angeles megacity together — and at one point were stuck in traffic.
“Heeeey”, she said, like someone gently broaching a topic I should have noticed, “Why does the lane next to us have diamond shaped symbols on it?”
That is! A subtle and friendly way of asking why we’re sitting in traffic when there’s a carpool lane Right There! I laughed and pulled into the lane and started driving.
Unfortunately. That isn’t what she was implying, she was genuinely asking. So we were stuck in traffic, she asked about what was clearly a breakdown or emergency access lane, and I laughed and started driving in it. She was Alarmed.
“Hello! Excuse me! We can’t drive in this lane! No one else is driving in this lane!!”
“Oh! I should have said — this lane is for people with more than one person in their car.”
“That is RIDICULOUS. You are lying. You are lying about what this lane is for and we’ll get arrested! (ma’am it’s fine but if it weren’t it would be more of a “ticket” situation) we’ll get a “ticket”! (Ma’am again it’s fine but were it not I alone would get the ticket) because that IS NOT the purpose of this lane. That is a RIDICULOUS lie.”
“I’m sorry, I should have said — I thought you were being subtle about my oversight. Please observe the carpool sign.”
“I don’t know what a carpool is and I don’t believe you.”
“How about you look at all the cars stuck in traffic and see how many have more than one driver, and if there are at least five I’ll get back into the traffic jam.”
“FINE!”
<a pause>
(With dawning horror) “none of these cars have more than one person in them.”
“I know.”
“None of these cars have more than one person!!”
“If you weren’t here I’d be right there with them.”
“OK but there was no train to where we needed to go.”
“There’s no train to where they needed to go either.”
“HOW.”
Later that day:
“I know McDonalds and Burger King sell Burgers, but what does Wendy’s sell?”
“Burgers”
“And Sonic?”
“Burgers.”
“Jack in the Box?”
“Burgers.”
“In’n’Out?”
“Look, It’s burgers all the way down.”
She hopped off a plane, went camping on Catalina with her husband and his lab, and then I showed her a rattlesnake, dragged her through heavy brush, took her (food) shopping in Beverly Hills, illustrated American car dependency and love of burger, and threatened to shoot someone trying to break into our hotel room. (I did not have a gun) She speed-ran the US American experience in eight days.
I really haven’t had to pretend to have a gun that many times!
We were staying in a cheap hotel, she was coming out of the shower wrapped in a towel. Someone shoulder-slammed the hotel door and popped the lock open and started fumbling with the security chain. I snarled “GET AWAY FROM THE DOOR, I HAVE A GUN.” and the person left.
She was WAY way WAY more concerned about me traveling with a gun (ma’am I do not have a gun) why would I SAY I had a gun if I couldn’t back it up? (Ma’am to get him to stop trying to break in) But why would he THINK I had a gun? How would that even work? Please tell her where I keep the gun. (Ma’am I promise there is no gun.)
The debate continued through my call to the front desk and our packing and being protectively escorted to our car by a young man who I could absolutely take in a fight. (“What is she mad about?” “I told the guy I had a gun.” “Smart! Maybe you should get one if you’re gonna travel like this!” “Haha yeah” “So why is she mad?” “She thinks I have a gun.” “WHY WOULD SHE LIE ABOUT HAVING A GUN?!?!”)
It doesn’t help that my day to day commitment to the bit is HIGH so it’s reasonable to assume that I’m not always being totally honest.
I really haven’t
had to pretend to have a
gun that many times!
Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.
